Naruto: The Musical
by Author1-and-Author2
Summary: All of the gang in Konoha go to stop Itachi from finding a secret stone with a fearsome power. This story can also be found on MM, AFF, and DeviantArt. We do not own the Naruto characters, and there is a lot of yaoi in this story. Yay.
1. Part 1

"Hurry! We have to get there before Orochimaru or Itachi, or we're all toast!" Tsunade shouted as the huge group of heroes pelted for the strange structure before them. It was hard to believe that so many had come to help: Kakashi, Naruto, Sakura, Iruka (dragged along by the copy ninja), Ino, Shikamaru, Choji, Gai, Rock Lee, Neji, Tenten, Hinata, Kiba, Shino, Ibiki, Anko (determined to stop Orochimaru at all costs), Jiraiya, and Tsunade (Obviously). They were all following an ANBU squad.

"Wait up, you stupid leaf ninja!" To everyone's shock, two figures burst out of the nearby forest, "You're gonna need our help if you want to stop _both_ of those maniacs!"

Kankuro was gasping slightly as he said this, but Temari didn't seem winded in the slightest.

"Wait a minute!" Naruto frowned. "Where's the brow-less wonder?"

"Say that… to my face…you…git…" came a blood-chilling voice. A few moments later, Gaara of the Desert, leader of Sunagakure, dragged himself out of the woods. He looked exhausted.

"Gaara-san! Are you all right?" Lee went to his side, concerned.

"You try sprinting for two days with this on your back," he jerked his thumb back to point at the gourd he carried, not at all the vicious retort he might have made almost three years ago.

"Actually, that sounds like a good training method!" Gai boomed. "Lee! Perhaps you can train with this carrot-head on our way back!"

"I'm a _what?_" Gaara hissed, his eyes glinting.

"HELLOOOO!!!!" Anko snapped, "TIME'S A-WASTING!!! LET'S GO!!!!!!!"

Gaara groaned and forced himself to his feet. Lee, ever the gentleman, gave him a hand.

"On the contrary," the taijutsu specialist murmured to his old enemy, "I find your hair color most suitable for your complexion."

"Ah… thanks?"

_YES!!! _Lee cheered in his head, _YES!!! GAI SENSEI, HE THANKED MEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!_

Naruto noticed Lee's pause in his movements and stared back at him- as if he was even more of an idiot than himself- but after a while, he turned back to look up at the ANBU members leading them to their destination.

"Where the hell are we going?" he yelled, clenching his fists. "Are we there yet?"

One of the ANBU members turned his head just a bit to look back at the large crowd that they were leading. "We're almost there, kid."

"But where are we going?" Sakura repeated to them in an almost frustrated manner. She was one to be patient on normal terms, but when on ones such as these, she couldn't help but be a bit nervous.

"KHSP," came the curt reply.

"… What?" most of the characters blinked in confusion, except for Shikamaru, who was busy staring upwards at the clouds, and Gaara, who was watching Lee in puzzlement.

"The KHSP," another ANBU member replied.

"What's… the KHSP?" Iruka dared to ask as he made another attempt to swat away the hand of the copy ninja that tried to pinch his rump.

And then for some reason or another, music out of nowhere began to play…

??? Oh goodie, mystery song… -Author 1

ANBU Squad Leader: Young man, there's no need to feel down!

I said young man, get yourself off the ground!

I said young man, cause you're in a new town!

There's no need to be unhappy!

ANBU Squad Leader: Young man, there's a place you can go!

I said young man, when you're short on your dough,

You can stay there, and I'm sure you will find many ways to have a good time!

ANBU Squad: It's fun to stay at the KHSP!

It's fun to stay at the KHSP!

They have everything for you men to enjoy!

Jiraiya: You can hang out with all the boys!

ANBU Squad: It's fun to stay at the KHSP!

It's fun to stay at the KHSP!

You can get yourself clean; you can have a good meal,

You can do whatever you feel!

ANBU Squad Leader: Young man, are you listening to me?

I said young man, what do you wanna be?

I said young man; you can make real your dreams,

But you've got to know this one thing!

ANBU Member #2: No man does it all by himself!

ANBU Member #13: I said young man, put your pride on the shelf,

ANBU Member #4: And just go there, to the KHSP!

ALL: And so they can help you today!

Naruto: Hey! That doesn't rhyme!

Sakura: Shut up, Naruto.

ANBU Squad: It's fun to stay at the KHSP!

It's fun to stay at the KHSP!

They have everything that you're meant to enjoy!

Jiraiya: You can hang out with all the boys!

ANBU Squad: It's fun to stay at the KHSP!

It's fun to stay at the KHSP!

You can get yourself clean; you can have a good meal,

You can do whatever you feel!

Jiraiya: Young man, I was once in your shoes!

I said I was down and out with the blues!

I felt no one cared if I were alive!

I felt the whole world was so tired!

Jiraiya: That's when someone came up to me,

And said, 'young man, take a walk up the street!

There's a place there, called the KHSP!

They can put you back on your feet!'

Jiraiya: It's fun to stay at the-

ANBU Squad: KHSP!

Jiraiya: It's fun to stay at the-

ANBU Squad: KHSP!

Jiraiya: They have everything that you're meant to enjoy!

You can hang out with all the boys!

ANBU Squad: KHSP!

Jiraiya: It's fun to stay at the-

ANBU Squad: KHSP!

ANBU Squad Leader: Young man, young man, there's no need to feel down!

Jiraiya: Young man, young man; get yourself the ground!

ANBU Squad: KHSP!

ANBU Squad Leader: And just go to the-

ANBU Squad: KHSP!

Jiraiya: Young man, young man, I was down with the blues!

ALL: KHSP!

Fades

After the song and the long bout of silence that followed had faded, the crowd had found themselves in front of a large one-story building on the edge of a cliff.

"So this is the legendary Konoha Hotel of Sexual Pleasure," exclaimed Jiraiya, who rubbed his chin in excitement.

"……………" Most of the ninja froze at this, many considering turning around and heading back the way they came. Choji was one of them, but he stopped abruptly, and his expression was one that would not be quickly forgotten when a sword came out of the bush beside him, grazing his ear and slicing away a few strands of hair.

"AIEE!" he cried, ducking as three more figures jumped out and over the huddling pile of fat. They landed not too far away.

Kakashi growled as he pulled his hand away from Iruka's waist and positioned it for a Chidori jutsu. "You…"

"Sasuke!!" cried Sakura as she nearly leaped at the shortest of the three, hearts in her eyes. Ino pretty much did the same. Of course, Sasuke sidestepped this attempt and cast his gaze more towards Naruto.

"Ahh… It's been a while, Kakashi," purred the sensual voice of the most ruthless of the three sannin as a pale and slender hand snaked up to push back ebony locks. Orochimaru smirked in almost a teasing manner at the jonin who'd threatened him with such violent action.

Kabuto was there as well, and he stood next to Orochimaru with a more cautious expression, "Be careful, Lord Orochimaru."

"Didn't you say that to me before?" Kakashi growled at the snake-summoner.

"Ah… no. I said, 'Long time no see,' last time."

"Oh, yeah."

"Hey!" Jiraiya cried, pushing aside Shino, Kiba, and Hinata. "Hey! It's my old bud!"

Orochimaru's normally calm, confident expression was instantly replaced by a look of absolute horror and mortification.

"No… No! Not you! Anyone but you! My eyes! They burn! Kabuto, shield me!" Kabuto obediently stepped in front of his master.

"Pathetic… all of you." Sasuke's voice was now an eerie echo of his brother's. "No one watching would even consider the possibility that any of you fools might be ninja."

"You fiends!" Kakashi snarled, "What do you want to take from the KHSP?!"

"… The KHSP?" Sasuke repeated, slowly. "…The… _you can't be serious?!_"

"Don't be impolite, Sasuke; it twists your handsome features." Orochimaru smirked. "For your information, there is an object here which we are trying to retrieve before your _dear _brother does."

"…" Sasuke did not reply, and it seemed to the others that the old Sasuke was truly lost, for the person he had once been would never have taken such a remark.

"What is this… thing… supposed to do, anyway?" Naruto scratched his head.

"Ah… um… What _is_ it supposed to do, Kabuto?" The sannin turned to his follower.

"Beats me. We're going for it because Itachi's going for it, but I don't know anything about it."

"So…" Shikamaru spoke, and everyone started, "Just theorizing here, but… none of us know what this object does, or its name, or even what it looks like, and we are trying to find it before Sasuke's psychotic brother does, while he and that other guy…uh… Kisame, was it? Both know EXACTLY what they're looking for…" he paused. "Is that about right?" There was a general chorus of agreements, most of them sounding a bit sheepish.

"You guys all realize that the chance of ANY of us succeeding is about… I'd say… 1.54 billion to 1." There was an awkward silence. "Okay… How about we work together temporarily to keep those two from finding whatever it is we're all looking for, and sort out the whole good/evil thing afterwards? I don't think it would be wise to do otherwise, because if we don't, that means we'll have to fight, and while we're wasting time here, those two freaks will be getting closer to that object. Plus… it'd be a pain."

There was a moment of tenseness, then…

"…F-fine!" Orochimaru managed. "Just…just keep that lunatic away from me." Jiraiya looked rather hurt.

"I don't care." Maybe Sasuke hadn't changed that much…

"Don't worry, my lord. I'll keep the toad-kissing oaf at bay!" Kabuto reassured the one he served.

"WHY, YOU LITTLE…"

"Come on! Let's go! We've wasted enough time!" Tsunade flailed her arms about to get everyone's attention, then turned around and vanished inside.

"Why do I get the feeling that I'm going to regret this for the rest of my immortal life?" muttered Orochimaru, not noticing Anko's murderous gaze upon him…

"It's dark… I can't see…"

"Naruto, be quiet!"

"You be quiet, Sakura!"

"This is really weird… If this is supposed to be a… _happy hotel_, then where's all the…?"

"Shut up, Kakashi."

"I'm just saying…"

"No! Hands off!"

"Awwww, Irukaaaaa…."

"Some things never change, I suppose."

"Don't talk to me, traitor!"

"Don't talk to Sasuke like that, Naruto!"

"Shut up, Sakura… and it was a rhetorical comment, Naruto."

"Rhe…tor…aa…cull?"

"Sigh You haven't changed either."

"Why is it so dark in here?"

"I do not know, Tenten. Let us hope that there is not some foul creature lurking here!"

"… You still talk like that?"

"Hmm? What do you mean, Gaara-san?"

"He means that you sound like an idiot."

"Mind your manners, Hyuga, or I might have to kill you."

"I'd like to see you try, _Gaara of the Desert_."

"Awfully confident, considering who you're talking to."

"Stay out of this, Kankuro."

"Actually, he's got a point, considering I whooped his butt in the Chuunin exams."

"Shut up, Uzumaki."

"Aw, what's the matter, Neji? Fate not being nice to you lately?"

"I told you to…"

There was an odd sound, and lights, bright white lights exploded above them.

"Looks like someone found the power room…" Kiba growled.

"So they're already here." Orochimaru considered drawing his blade, but decided against it.

"We've got to hurry." Tsunade hissed.

"Hey, guys! Look at this!" An ANBU ninja cheerfully stomped on a raised tile that was obviously a trap.

"NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!" Their collective screams echoed throughout the entire complex…

And then the floor vanished.

Several of them screamed, many of them sighed and tried to ignore the fact that they were about to die, but two remained completely calm. Temari pulled out her fan and vanished, and Gaara called upon as much of his power as he could.

Hands of sand grabbed the falling people and slowed their fall. They guided the tumbling group towards the ground, where a slide had formed.

Temari floated down gently, while the others rolled down a slide of sand onto the stone.

"Not… good." Iruka gasped.

"Well, thanks for breaking my fall," smiled Kakashi. This only made Iruka frown.

"My hair… my beautiful, beautiful hair…." Orochimaru moaned.

"I love you!" Lee tugged on Gaara's flowing robes. But no one heard him.

"You're… dead." Gaara snarled at the ninja who'd triggered the trap. And then the others realized that he was, for the Kazekage hadn't bothered to save him.

"Hey! Where'd that pizza come from?" Naruto wondered.

"Yep… nothing's changed. You're still a loser." Sasuke chuckled grimly.

"That's… not a pizza, Naruto…." The pink-haired ninja looked about ready to vomit.

"Whatever!"

"What is this…?" Hinata breathed, and the others looked about in surprise. They were in a huge circular room, with thirty doors lining one half of its walls. Upon exploration, the doors were found to lead to living quarters (each with their own bathrooms), a huge kitchen (with an equally huge amount of food), and a collapsed hallway.

"That was probably the exit…" Ino shivered, shutting the door.

"No… I don't believe it… I can't be stuck down here with you people!" Orochimaru wailed. Kabuto tried to comfort him, but the sannin waved him away absently.

"As much as I hate to admit it, the snake boy's right…" Ibiki sounded more than a little bitter. "We'll all go insane before we get out of here…"

The silence reminded Naruto of a funeral. "… So, who died?"

There was no response.

"… We'd better try and find a way out." Shino sighed.

"What a drag…" Shikamaru walked off, but stopped when a shout erupted from above.

"SSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

…There was a series of crashes, then two loud thumping sounds.

…The door that Ino had shut burst open to reveal…

"… You can't be serious…" came a familiar, soft voice, colder than ice.

"Oh, crap…" muttered Kakashi.

"Indeed…"

Itachi Uchiha and his partner in crime, Kisame, had come to call.

The older Uchiha swirled around to bear down on his companion. "You fucking IDIOT!! You triggered the trap! Didn't you see it?!"

Kisame sweat-dropped as Itachi continued his fit of fury. "We even had the fucking blueprints for the building, and you STILL stepped on the most blatantly obvious trap I've ever seen! You're a fucking idiot, Kisame! You're worthless!! I hate you!! Why can't you just find a fucking cliff and jump off it?!"

"I'm sowwyyyyyyy!!!!" wailed the blue-skinned shinobi, raising his arms to his face to hide the constant flow of tears that burst forth from their containers.

"Dude, you made him cry…" Shikamaru smirked. "That's awesome…"

Orochimaru rubbed his chin. "I never made Kabuto cry, although I did make Sasuke cry-"

"Shut up."

"Awww… but I love telling stories!"

"Just shut up before I ask my brother to kill you."

"… Do you think he'd listen?"

"………."

"KILL SOMEONE? YES!! I WOULD LIKE TO KILL SOMEONE RIGHT ABOUT NOW!!!"

"… Don't steal my role, emo freak." Gaara glared at the raven-haired criminal.

"Yes, do not steal his role!" chimed Lee.

"… Thanks," the Kazekage sweat-dropped.

"YEEESSSSS!!" Lee jumped around in the air, causing most of the others to back away.

"Dude… what's got his wires twisted?" Shikamaru sighed as he raised a hand to press against his nose bridge.

After some time, Itachi had finally managed to calm down… though not before he started foaming at the mouth. Kisame was huddled in a corner, and Lee had wasted most of his chakra jumping about like a schoolgirl.

"… All right… now that things have calmed dow-" but Shino was cut off by more rumbling.

"Oh, no. Not more freaks…" Naruto rolled his eyes.

"Look who's talking!" Sasuke retorted.

"… Uh, you are?" Naruto blinked.

"…"

Four loud thumps and several girlie screams followed this, and to EVERYONE'S horror, Ebisu, Konohamaru, Tazuna, and Inari emerged from one of the bedrooms.

"Oh, Gods, no!" Sakura whimpered.

"Not Super-perv!" Naruto cried.

Konohamaru beamed at the crowd, "Hi, guys!"

"…How did _you_ get here?" Kakashi frowned at Tazuna and Inari.

"Ah… How did we get here, Inari?"

"Sorry guys," Inari shrugged, "But my grandfather has developed dementia. We went to Konoha to say hi, but you weren't there, so Konohamaru here lead us to you."

"I apologize, Fifth Hokage! I tried to stop them but…"

"Whatever!" Tsunade snapped, cutting off Ebisu completely. "What the hell do we do now?"

"…"

"Hey! The ANBU squad is gone!" Kiba cried.

"What?! How did…?!" Ibiki growled.

"Where could they have gone?" Hinata whispered, concerned.

"Who cares. You're all dead." Itachi blinked, and his Sharingan appeared.

"Oh, come on!" Choji snorted. "I mean, sure, you're really strong, but you two can't take on twenty other ninja simultaneously!"

"Please, people, this is not the time! We are trapped here together and we'll have to work together to survive. Even if we did slaughter each other, how many of us do you think would last?"

"Wow… Sasuke's not going for Itachi's throat yet… weird." Naruto scratched his head again.

"This isn't the time, loser!" snapped the traitor.

"This is all your fault, you stupid boy!" Orochimaru snarled at Shikamaru. "This would never have happened if you hadn't suggested working together!"

"Don't blame me… sheesh."

At this point, most of the group had drawn weapons or charged up spells.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Um… Hinata… why did you just scream in my ear?" Ino winced.

"So… so much… hatred… can't take… pressure!" sobbed the girl.

"This is absurd." Neji snapped. "Sasuke's right."

Tazuna smiled. "Yeah, you folks need to calm down! It is Christmas, after all!" Gaara smacked the senile man on the head, and the bridge-builder dropped like a stone.

"Heh…" Kabuto muffled a laugh, but it was too late.

"Ha… haha…" Kakashi shook slightly.

Within moments, everyone but Gaara, Itachi, Sasuke, and Anko were helpless with mirth.

"A-all right, so… haha… so what do we do now?" Tenten giggled.

"I know!" Lee grinned. "Let us relax. We cannot concentrate on getting out if we are too worried about getting killed."

"Yes, Lee! What an excellent idea!" Gai shouted happily.

"Gai… remember, now. Indoor voices!" Kakashi shook his finger at his rival. Gai was a moment away from throttling the copy ninja when his student spoke again.

"I know! We can sing songs!"

"………………………………………………………"

"B-but… but it is a splendid idea!"

"… Well, if you want to, Lee…"

"OH, GAARA-SAN!!!!!" _HE SUPPORTED ME, MASTER GAI!!!!!!!_

"Ah… yeah."

"All right! Let us sit in a circle!" Everyone reluctantly complied, save for Shikamaru, who wandered off to the door-less side of the room and sat down to daydream, and Anko, who had vanished into one of the bedrooms.

"Okay!!! I will sing first!" Lee bounced up and down for a moment, then cleared his throat.

If You Want to Sing Out, Sing Out

(Lee pulls a guitar out from out of nowhere. Everyone stares.)

Lee: Well, if you want to sing out, sing out,

And if you want to be free, be free,

Because there are a million things to be, you know that there are!

Lee: And if you want to live high, live high,

And if you want to live low, live low,

Because there are a million ways to go, you know that there are!

Lee: You can do what you want!

The opportunities are,

And if you find a new way, you can do it today!

Lee: And you can make it all true,

And you can make it undo, you see!

ANBU Members: Ah-ah-ah!

Lee: It is easy!

ANBU Members: Ah-ah-ah!

Naruto: You won't need me to know!

Iruka: Hey, where did the ANBU Squad come from?

Kakashi: It doesn't matter, because as quickly as they appeared, I can make you and I-

Iruka: NO MORE!!

Lee: Well, if you want to say yes, say yes,

And if you want to say no, say no,

Because there are a million ways to go, you know that there are!

Lee: And if you want to be me, be me,

And if you want to be you, be you,

Because there are a million things to do, you know that there are!

Lee: You can do what you want!

The opportunities are,

And if you find a new way, then you can do it today!

Lee: And you can make it all true,

And you can make it undo, you see!

ANBU Members: Ah-ah-ah!

Lee: It is easy!

ANBU Members: Ah-ah-ah!

Naruto: You won't need me to know!

Lee: Well, if you want to sing out, sing out,

And if you want to be free, be free,

Because there are a million things to be, you know that there are!

Lee: You know that there are…

You know that there are…

You know that there are…

Gaara: You know that there are…

fades

Everyone stared at Gaara in confusion, raising their brows and scratching their heads.

"Gaara, you can sing?" Naruto voiced for the group.

"… Sing? I didn't sing." Gaara looked convinced.

"Yes you did…"

"No, I didn't."

"Yes you did!"

"No, I didn't!"

"Well, too bad," sighed Lee dreamily, clasping his hands together and staring off into space, "because it was such a wonderful voice. Ah… the sound of an angel!"

"… Fine, I sang." Gaara frowned.

There was another pause before Itachi glared from across the circle. "That was a bunch of shit."

"…" Gaara stared over to the criminal, his eyes glinting in a malicious manner. "What did you just say?"

"That. Was. WONDERFUL!!" cried Gai, nearly squeezing Lee and Gaara together, since they sat side by side. Gaara's eye twitched, and Lee squealed in terror… fake terror… "And now it's my time to shine!!"

"Oh, Gods, no…" Iruka groaned before hiding his face in his hands.

"If you need hide your beautiful face in something, I've got a spare shoulder!" Kakashi beamed.

"…. No…. thanks…"

"Awww……"

_Gee, he tries so hard…_ Naruto sweat-dropped.

"All right, here I go!" cried Gai.

"GO SENSEI!!" cheered his student.

??? And yet another mystery song… -Author 1

Gai: BODY!! Wanna feel my body?

Iruka: NO!!

Gai: BODY!! Such a thrill, my body!

Itachi: I think I'm going to vomit…

Gai: BODY! Wanna touch my body?

BOBBY! It's too much, my Bobby!

Naruto: Bobby? Who the hell is Bobby?

Gai: Sorry, my bad.

Kakashi: Don't you mean booby?

Naruto: …

Iruka: Kakashi, that's disgusting…

Gai: Check it out, my body, body!

Don't you doubt my body, body!

Talking 'bout my body, body!

Check it out, my body!

Gai: Every man wants to be a macho, macho man!

To have the kind of body, always in demand!

Jogging in the morning!

Kakashi: Go, Gai, go!

Gai: Works out in the health spa, muscles glow!

Lee: You can best believe that he is a macho man

Ready to get down-

Kakashi: -with anyone he can!

Everyone: EAGHH!!!

ANBU Members: HEY! HEY! HEY HEY HEY!

ANBU, Gai, Kakashi, Lee: Macho, macho man!

Lee: I want to be a macho man!

ANBU, Gai, Kakashi, Lee: Macho, macho man!

ANBU Member #2: I want to be a macho!

Gaara's face froze in complete shock.

ANBU, Gai, Kakashi, Lee: Macho, macho man!

Lee: I want to be a macho man!

ANBU, Gai, Kakashi, Lee: Macho, macho man!

ANBU Member #2: I want to be a macho!

Gai: BODY! It's so hot, my body!

BODY! Got to pop my body!

BODY! Love to please my body!

Iruka: Gods… make him stop…

Kakashi: If I make him stop, will you-

Iruka: Never-mind.

Gai: BODY! Don't you tease my body!

BODY! You'll adore my body!

BODY! Come explore my body!

Iruka: EWW!!

Kakashi: Aww, come on, Iruka-chan. You know you think things like that about MY body!

Iruka: AUUGHH!! SOMEONE KILL ME NOW!!

Gaara: blinks … Ok…

Kakashi: … glares

Gai: BODY! Made by gods, my body!

BODY! It's so good, my body!

Lee: You can tell he is a macho, he has a funky walk!

His green spandex and bowl cut always look so boss!

Orochimaru: They WHAT?!

Lee: Funky with his body, he is a king!

Call him Mister Eagle; dig his chains!

You can best believe that he is a macho man!

He likes to be the leader; he never dresses grand!

ANBU Members: HEY! HEY! HEY HEY HEY HEY!

ANBU, Gai, Kakashi, Lee: Macho, macho man!

Lee: I want to be a macho man!

ANBU, Gai, Kakashi, Lee: Macho, macho man!

ANBU Member #2: I want to be a macho!

ANBU, Gai, Kakashi, Lee: Macho, macho man!

Lee: I want to be a macho man!

ANBU, Gai, Kakashi, Lee: Macho, macho man!

ANBU Member #2: I want to be a macho!

By this point in time, Neji and Tenten have hidden somewhere, not wanting to let the others witness their embarrassment.

Gai: UGH! Macho… baby!

Body, body, body! Wanna feel my body?

Body, body, body! Gonna thrill my body!

Body, body, body! Don'tcha stop my body!

Body, body, body! It's so hot, my body!

Gai: Every man ought to be a macho, macho man!

To live a life of freedom, machos make a stand!

Have their own lifestyles and ideals!

Possess the strength and confidence, life's a steal!

Kakashi: You can best believe that he's a macho man!

Lee: He likes to be the leader; he never dresses grand!

He is a special person in anybody's land!

ANBU Members: HEY! HEY! HEY HEY HEY HEY!

ANBU, Gai, Kakashi, Lee: Macho, macho man! (Gai: See the hair on my chest!)

Lee: I want to be a macho man!

ANBU, Gai, Kakashi, Lee: Macho, macho man! (Gai: See thick mustache! Lee: … What mustache?)

ANBU Member #2: I want to be a macho!

ANBU, Gai, Kakashi, Lee: Macho, macho man! (Kakashi: Broad shoulders!)

Lee: I want to be a macho man!

ANBU, Gai, Kakashi, Lee: Macho, macho man! (Lee: Dig muscles!)

ANBU Member #2: I want to be a macho!

ANBU, Gai, Kakashi, Lee: Macho, macho man!

Lee: I want to be a macho man!

ANBU, Gai, Kakashi, Lee: Macho, macho man!

ANBU Member #2: I want to be a macho!

ANBU, Gai, Kakashi, Lee: Macho, macho man!

Lee: I want to be a macho man!

ANBU, Gai, Kakashi, Lee: Macho, macho man!

ANBU Member #2: I want to be a macho!

End

Everyone was either suppressing laughter or trying not to weep in terror, save for Lee, who was cheering enthusiastically, Kakashi, who was too busy fondling a whimpering Iruka, and Gaara, who was staring off into space.

"WOW!!! Was that not totally awesome, Gaara-san?"

The Kazekage blinked. "… Ah… yeah." He replied faintly, still in shock.

_YES!!!!!! GAARA-SAN LIKES YOU, MASTER!!!! YOU HAVE WON HIS APPROVAL!!!!!!_

"Um… Lee?"

"Yes, Gaara-san?"

"Can you… ah… let go?"

"Wha…? Oh! Uh… sorry..." Lee hastily released Gaara's hand.

"Man… You're all a bunch of freaks!" Naruto snorted.

"Watch it, blondie!" Gaara snapped.

"Phhsshh!! Whatever man! …You know, Lee, when I become Hokage, I'm gonna make you shave your head."

"What?! Nooooo!!!! This cannot be!!!! I thought that you and I were comrades, Naruto!!!!" Lee wailed and buried his face in Gaara's hair, and the said redhead instantly scrambled away in horror.

"Oh, come on, Naruto! I mean, sure, you're tougher than you look, but Hokage?" Kiba practically snorted at this.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Tsunade frowned. "If you became Hokage, what would happen to me?"

"Uh… you… can… retire?" Naruto offered. The current Hokage glared daggers at him.

"Dude, I'm serious. It's not gonna happen!" Kiba snapped.

"Yes it will!"

"No, it won't!"

"I've already proven that I'm stronger than you! What more do you want?!"

"Forget it, Naruto!"

"GRRRRR!!!"

"I… I… Naruto… Kiba just doesn't understand your determination." Hinata whispered.

"Hey! Whose side are you on?!" The girl nearly fainted.

"All right, then! I'm gonna sing, now!"

"WHAT?!" There was not a single person in the room that wasn't shocked. Even Shikamaru snapped out of his daydreams. Neji and Tenten reappeared.

"This I've gotta see." Tenten grinned.

"Here I go, believe it!!!"

"Sakura?"

"Sasuke?"

"Do you have any earplugs?"

"Yep! Lucky for you I keep spares!"

The two promptly stuffed their ears as Naruto began.

??? Great, MORE mystery songs. –Author 1

Naruto's eyes go all weird with religious fervor.

Naruto: I'm gonna be a mighty king, so enemies beware!

Jiraiya: King?

Iruka: Don't you mean Hokage?

Naruto: Same thing!

Kiba: Well, I've never seen a king or beast with quite so little hair!

Naruto: Hey!

Naruto: I'm gonna be the main event, like no king was before!

I'm brushing up on looking down!

I'm working on my roar!

Akamaru: Arfy arfy arfy, arf arf arf arf arf arf!

Everyone?????

Naruto: (Irritated) Oh, I just can't WAIT to be king!

Iruka: You've got a long way to go, young ninja, if you think!

Naruto: No one says 'do this!'

Iruka: Now when I said that I-

Hinata: No one says 'be there!'

Iruka: Now what I meant was-

Naruto: No one says 'stop that!'

Iruka: What you don't realize is-

Hinata: No one says-

Both: See heerreee!!!

Iruka: NOW SEE HERE!!!

Kakashi distracts Iruka by trying to tear off his shirt.

Naruto: Free to roam around all day!

Ebisu: Now that's definitely out!

Naruto: Free to do it all my waaaayyy!!!!

Ebisu: I think it's time that you and I arranged a heart-to-heart!

Naruto: Kings don't need advice from little perverts for a start!

Ebisu: (angry) If this is where the monarchy is headed, count me out!

Out of service! Out of Konoha! I wouldn't stay about!

For this child is getting wildly out of wing!

Naruto: Oh, I just can't WAIT to be king!

Gaara: Ah…did I act like this before I became Kazekage?

Kankuro: No, thank goodness!

Naruto: (Shouting) EVERYBODY LOOK LEFT!!!!!!

Everyone looks and sees a Naruto clone.

Naruto Clone: (Shouting) EVERYBODY LOOK RIGHT!!!!!!!

They do so, and see another Naruto clone.

Naruto Clone 2: (Shouting) EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK I'M-

Suddenly clones explode into existence all over the room.

All the Narutos: **STANDING IN THE SPOTLIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

Iruka's scream erupts from one of the bedrooms: NOT YET!!!!

Kakashi: MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!

ANBU Members: Let every ninja know the role and sing!

Let's hear it in the herd and on the wing!

Kiba: Herd?

ANBU Members: It's gonna be Hokage's finest fling!!!

Naruto: Whaaaaaaahhhh!!!!

ANBU, Clones, and Naruto: Oh, I just can't WAIT to be king!

Oh, I just can't WAIT to be king!

Oh, I just can't WWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTT…

Naruto: To be-

ANBU, Clones, and Naruto: **KKKKKKKKKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!**

There's a moment of complete silence, then…

Iruka: I beg your pardon, Kakashi, but… GET OFF!!!!! … Naruto? … Hinata???

Kakashi: MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…

Iruka: NOOOOO!!!!!!! HHHHEEEEELLLLPPPPP!!!!!!!!! NOT ROPE!!!!!!! AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!

End

"Naruto?" Sasuke asked.

"What do you want?!"

"Naruto, I can't hear you… are you done singing?"

"Y…Nooo… I'm… not… done… heheheh…"

"What?"

"Damn… hmmm… Hey!" Naruto turned to the others suddenly, "Did you know that Sasuke gropes Orochimaru in his sleep?"

"WHAT?!" Kabuto snarled.

"Hmm… odd. I thought that was you, Kabuto."

"IT WAS… I mean… uh… I didn't… say that…"

Orochimaru smirked, and Naruto sighed.

"Well, that didn't work… okay, how about thi… augh!"

Sasuke was behind him… without earplugs. "One more word, Naruto, and I'll snap your neck!"

"Why does the word 'backfire' come to mind?" Kabuto mused.

"One victory for our group, Kabuto!" chuckled Orochimaru.

"V-victory…" Gaara went stiff.

Lee slid back an inch, "G-Gaara-san?"

"Visions of neck… snapping… bones… crushing… blood… raining…" The Kazekage's eyes misted over.

Kankuro threw himself away. "NO! He's reverting! Run away!"

Everyone sprinted to the far side of the room with Shikamaru, Naruto's clones vanishing with 'EEP!'s.

"M-must… kill… wonderful… to… crush… life…"

Gai gasped in horror. "Lee! NNNNNNOOOOOO!!!!!!" For Lee was still next to the bloodthirsty Gaara.

"Now, Gaara-san, this is not a healthy way to deal with your anger! You must let it out, not with violence, but with song!"

"S…song?"

"Yes!

Song!"

Itachi muttered, "What a load of-"

"SHUT UP!!!!" Everyone hissed. The criminal pouted.

"Song… yes…"

"That is it, Gaara-san! Let us hear your angelic voice!"

Naruto blinked, "Um… is it just me, or does Lee have a-"

"SHUT UP!!!!" The group whispered again.

"Yes… a song… about… my first… love."

Lee frowned, "Y-your… first…"

"Victory."

"Oh! You meant… uh… I will give you some space."

"Yes…" Lee went to join the others, but rather than hugging the wall, he sat on the floor in front of everyone else.

"I shall sing my song now…"

"Oh, Gods damn it!" Itachi growled, "And I thought this guy was sane like me!"

"Um… sure, Itachi." Kisame shrugged, but he flinched and hid behind his arms at his partner's deadly gaze.

Sweet, Sweet Victory

Suddenly the shadows move, and an orchestra of ANBU members forms behind Gaara.

Nine of them put trumpets to their lips and blast off a heroic intro… All lights go out, save for a blue spotlight on the Kazekage.

Shino appears nearby with a keyboard and begins synchronizing as Gaara sings into a microphone, in an over-dramatic tone that makes him sound even more like the tortured soul he is.

Gaara: The winner takes all…  
It's the thrill of one more kill!  
The last one to fall…  
Will never sacrifice their will!

Suddenly Kankuro begins playing the drums, and Temari slides on her knees beside her brothers, playing an electric guitar. Lights explode behind the siblings in red and blue, while gold and scarlet sparks fly out from behind Gaara. The three begin singing at the top of their lungs.

Siblings: Don't ever look back,  
On a world closing in!  
The only intent,  
With your wings on the wind!  
Gaara: Oh, the things that we did…

Siblings: And it's sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah!  
Gaara: And it's ours for the taking…  
Siblings: It's ours for the fight!

Siblings: And the sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah!  
Gaara: And the world is ours to call…

Siblings: Sweet, sweet, sweet victory…

Gaara drops to the ground as Temari busts out a guitar solo…

Fades

"That was amazing, Gaara-san!" Lee cried, jumping to his feet, "That was magnificent! Incredible! That was… hey, the ANBU ninja are gone again…???"

Gaara was gasping on his knees in the middle of the room, "…Can't… breathe…"

"No kidding!" Kankuro managed.

"Did you get lost in this desert?" asked Tazuna. The siblings stared at him. "It's all right! I'm native to this area and I can get you to the Village Hidden in the Sand!" Everyone listened in growing horror as the bridge-builder continued, "You'll want to be careful, though! I've heard that their leader is a real freak who keeps sending assassins after one of his own children! Can you believe that?! Poor kid!"

The group held their breath, waiting for Gaara to rip the old man apart.

"…E-excuse… me…" the young Kazekage stood and strode away rather forlornly.

"You hurt his feelings!" Lee shouted at Tazuna, then ran after Gaara.

Tazuna's mouth shook, "H-he yelled at me!"

Inari patted his grandfather, "It's okay; he didn't mean to." Tazuna burst into tears.

"You know… things would be a lot easier on everyone if we tried to work out the problems we have with one another," Hinata suggested hopefully.

"_Miss_ Hinata is right," Neji added, sarcastically, "This would be easier if we all turned into soft-hearted pansies just like her."

Hinata flinched.

Naruto grabbed Neji by the arm, "Look, pal, Hinata's just trying to help out. Don't be such a bitter moron!"

"I… I just think that things would be easier if we tried to work our problems out by talking, instead of blaming fate."

"Oh?" Neji glared at her, "How do you even know that that could change anything between the two branches?"

"Be…because I believe that… I believe that…"

"That what?!"

"That…"

We Can Work It Out

Hinata: Try to see it my way!

Do I have to keep on talking till I can't go on?

Why do you see it your way,

At the risk of knowing that our love may soon be gone?

Hinata and Neji: We can work it out! We can work it out!

Naruto: Why is Neji singing?

All: Shut up!

Neji: Think of what you're saying!

You could get it wrong and still you'll think that it's all right.

Hinata: Think of what I'm saying!

We can work it out and get it straight or say good night!

Hinata and Neji: We can work it out! We can work it out!

Shino and Tenten: Life is very short and there's no tiiiiiiiime…

For fussing and fighting, my friends.

I have always thought that it's a criiiiiiiime…

So I will ask you once again…

Hinata: Try to see it my way!

Only time will tell if I am right or I am wrong!

Why do you see it your way?

There's a chance that we might fall apart before too long!

Hinata and Neji: We can work it out! We can work it out!

Shino and Tenten: Life is very short and there's no tiiiiiiiime…

For fussing and fighting, my friends.

I have always thought that it's a criiiiiiiime…

So I will ask you once again…

Hinata: Try to see it my way!

Only time will tell if I am right or I am wrong!

Why do you see it your way?

There's a chance that we might fall apart before too long!

Hinata and Neji: We can work it out! We can work it out!

End

Meanwhile

Lee found Gaara lying on the bed, one of his hands making intricate designs with sand on the ceiling.

"Gaara-san! I hope his words did not upset you too much?"

_YES!!!!!!! THIS IS MY CHANCE!!!!!!!! THANK YOU, TAZUNA!!!!!!!!_

"… I'm all right. It doesn't matter."

"It most certainly does matter! His words hurt you!"

"They are words. Nothing more."

Lee's large eyes widened. "That is not true!"

Gaara sat up, letting the sand return to his gourd. "Not… true?"

"Words can be used for many things, like giving someone information, but they are also used to express the feelings that actions cannot!"

"What's your point?" the Kazekage frowned at him.

"My point is that words do matter to you, no matter how hard you try to hide it!"

There was a moment of silence as gazes were exchanged, both of the young men looking equally determined to prove their point, although if Gaara had a point, it would be a first.

"Ah… sure… Lee… yeah…" the sand ninja slid back down and turned over to face the wall.

_Awww, he turned away from meee!! … Must try harder!!_

"Gaara-san, you are not making this any easier for me!"

"Making what easier?" Gaara turned his head slightly so he could face the other with a confused expression.

"… You cannot be serious!"

The Kazekage blinked, "I am always serious."

"…"

Another pause followed, then Lee sighed and sat down at the end of the bed, making Gaara sit up once more. Neither ninja said anything for a few moments. Then Lee finally gathered whatever courage he could muster.

"… Gaara-san?"

"… What is it now?"

"Er… well, it was just… I was wondering…"

"… Hai?" A tinge of irritance crossed Gaara's features.

"Ah… well… have you ever… you know…"

A scream sounding from the room next door interrupted poor Lee.

"… Now that I think about it, I never have screamed like that before."

"No, no… that's not what I was referr-"

"KAKASHI!!"

"…" Gaara paled slightly. "No, I've never said that either."

"No! Forget them!"

"AHHH!!"

"… This is… awkward…" Gaara spoke slowly. "Can I kill them?"

"Uh, no… that would not be a good thing. Perhaps you could sing another song?"

"… I believe I'm done singing for now."

"Gahh… ah… FINE! ALL RIGHT!! I'll say it!!"

Both Lee and Gaara turned to the other wall, listening to the voices on the other side.

"Good boy, Iruka-chan…"

"Gah… I swear, I'm going to-"

"You're going to what, my dear chuunin?"

"…"

"Say it, pweeeease?" Gaara and Lee stared at each other oddly, both mouthing the word 'pwease'…

"… I hate you, Kakashi."

"No, that's not what you were supposed to say," the voice belonging to the copy ninja sounded awfully hurt.

"… I love you."

"I can't heaw youuu…" Kakashi cooed almost in a teasing manner, obviously making the chuunin frustrated.

"… I said I love you."

Lee had his ear pressed to the wall, making strange faces as he tried to distinguish the strange mumbling. "I cannot hear what he is saying…"

The one beside him frowned. "Should we care?"

"… Do you not feel the least bit curious?"

"… I won't answer that."

"You need to say it so the whoooole wolld can heaw it, Iwuka."

"That's the last thing I need them to hear!"

"Aww, you're still shy about admitting it to them, aren't you? That's so cuuute."

"…Cute?" echoed the sand shinobi. Lee made another face.

"Kakashi, you can't be serious."

"…"

"AHH! NO!! NO THOUSAND YEARS OF DEATH!!"

Lee's eyes widened. "Gai-Sensei's rival is a masochist?!"

"Then say it, pwease?"

"No!"

"All right, then…"

"AHHH!! NOOOO!! FINE!!"

"Then let's hear it."

"…"

"Come on…"

"I already said it twice, Gods damn it! Why do I have to say it again?!"

"Because I was staring at a bug the first time, and the second time, I was occupied with how beautiful your body is."

"………….."

"Oh come on, it's-"

"Ok, all right. This time I'm going to say it, and I'm going to make sure you're PAYING attention to me and not the bug, not the bedsheets, not the carpet, not your stupid perverted book, or whatever! Not even the wall! And most certainly not my body!"

Lee and Gaara flinched at the word 'wall.'

"Awww, why not the book?"

"… Just pay attention."

"All right, fine… I'm listening."

"I… KAKASHI! You're reading that book again!"

"Wha…? Oh, sorry. Old reflex."

"Put that book somewhere far away. Now."

"Fine, whatever you say, _Sensei_."

Iruka was obviously not pleased.

"Now pay attention!"

"I am paying attention, _Sensei_."

"Will you stop that?!"

"Awww…"

"Okay, okay, look... We're not getting anywhere, and you had to stop in the middle of everything and start this… stupid… shenanigan… I'm going to say it once, and only once, because I'm tired of waiting."

"So you WERE waiting this whole time we came here!"

"… Shut up."

"Awww…"

"Now, are you listening to me?"

"Yes, I am listening to you."

"… Stupid… eh, whatever. Kakashi?"

"Hmm?"

"I-"

"Me?"

"… WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT?!"

"Ok, ok. I'm sorry."

"… kakashiiloveyousomuchiwanttopuke."

"… Eh?"

"Kakashi. I. Love. You. So-"

"Ok, that's all I needed to hear. Thanks, love."

"……. I wasn't finished."

"Too bad; I'm tired of waiting."

"WHAT?!"

At this point, Gaara and Lee both scurried away from the wall, not really needing to crouch there to hear the lust-filled gasps and moans that erupted from the other room.

"Well…" Lee adjusted his collar, feeling a bit sweaty as he coughed.

"… I never want to hear anything like that again," replied Gaara, his cheeks slightly flushed.

"Ah… hai, that was indeed a bit more than I intended to hear myself…"

"No kidding."

"Well, Gaara-san… I just wanted to let you know… since we are… erm… kind of on the subject… I... well, I think I am feeling a bit flustered."

"… That is obvious."

"... No, that is not what I meant! I meant that… well… I think I like you."

"Why… do you sound like Iruka?"

"… I am sorry, that was not intended in that manner! I just thought I would cast it out and say… that… well, you see, it is a long story. I do not remember when it started, but ever since, I have felt a bit more than comfortable in your presence."

"… That's a first."

"People should like you more, for I think you are a fine person indeed! Your voice is that of an angel's, and your hair color reminds me of rich and intoxicating wine!"

"… Ah… thank you… I guess…"

_MASTER!! HE IS HAPPY!!_ "Gaara-san… I… I…"

"… Out with it already."

"I am sorry! This is not like me… I am not used to having to say something as deep as what I wish to say!"

"Blood is deep."

"… Um, no. That is not what I meant." Lee paled slightly before scooting an inch closer. "I just… I kind of… uh…"

"I'm going to sleep now. Wake me up when you're ready-"

"No, no! I am ready!"

"Then what is it?"

Lee hesitated, scratching the back of his neck oddly before leaning forward to press a soft kiss to the other's lips, not really finding words that would explain the complicated emotions within him.

Gaara's expression was one mixed with utter shock, confusion… and lord knows what else.

Then a particularly loud scream came from the next room, and the two threw themselves apart.

The sand ninja's face seemed to have frozen once more.

"I… I am so sorry!!!" Lee wailed. _HE IS GOING TO KILL ME!!!!!!!! WWWHHHAAAAHH!!!!!!_

"…Oh."

"O-oh?"

"Why didn't you just say… ah…" Gaara frowned, "… How would you say that?"

"Uh… s-so you are not going to kill me?"

"Hmm? … No…" Gaara blinked suddenly, "What makes you say that?"

"Uh… nothing!" _HE DOES NOT WANT TO KILL ME!!! YAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!_

"You have that weird look on your face again."

"What look?"

Gaara shrugged, "You get that look on your face when I talk to you sometimes."

"O…oh… that… That is… um…"

"What's wrong with your voice?"

"Wha?"

"You've been acting rather odd lately."

"I… I am sorry. This is not like me…"

"… Didn't you say that earlier?"

Lee sweat-dropped at that. "Oh… I did? I am sorry…"

"You don't have to keep apologizing."

"Oh… sorry…"

"…"

"Uh… so… what now?"

Gaara shrugged again. "I'm tired."

"Oh, ok. I will just head on out so you can get some rest," mumbled the very confused leaf ninja as he then stood up, brushing off his suit and heading for the door. He was about to reach for the doorknob when a hand caught his wrist, making his steps come to a halt.

"No."

"… Wha?"

"I said no."

"I… I am sorry. I do not understand…"

"… You don't have to leave."

"B-but… I do not want to disturb your slumber-"

"Screw that."

"Oh… o-ok…"

Lee looked down as he let his hand fall to his side once more, feeling a bit more than confused and flushed. He was about to go sit back down on the mattress when he was suddenly pushed up against the door, finding the Kazekage staring at him with their noses only inches apart.

"You're so weird sometimes, Lee…" Gaara sighed onto the other, making Lee whimper slightly at the tension. He then closed the gap, not seeming to mind as he returned the other's previous favor, lingering in the position for only a few seconds before pulling away. The sand ninja licked his lips, making Lee gulp. "I want you to stay."

"Ah… um… O-ok… I would… ah… like that…" And thus Lee was led back to the bed.

Meanwhile…

Iruka was panting heavily, trying to catch his breath as he watched the other ninja purr in content. The glaze in his eyes were still present as he stared off into space, but he was then brought back to reality when a hand slid up from his hips to the top of his abdomen, caressing his chest.

"That was wonderful, love," purred the jonin, raising his head just the slightest to lick off whatever was left on Iruka's stomach. This only made Iruka growl slightly, although it was not a growl of irritation.

"Well… I guess the bright side of this is that we didn't have to hear anyone sing. After watching Gai and listening to Naruto, I think I'm ready to call it quits for the day." The chuunin sighed as his hands were finally released from the headboard, and he slipped them around the other's form gently.

"I would give the world to stay here forever," replied Kakashi, smiling as he nipped at the caramel skin.

"Mmmm…" Iruka agreed slightly before he yawned, nestling his head between the other's neck and shoulder.

The copy ninja smiled as he ran a hand through Iruka's hair, letting the brown locks sift through his digits as he watched the other drift into a deep sleep.

Meanwhile

"You guys really don't know how to enjoy yourselves!" Ino rolled her eyes in a careless manner, folding her arms across her chest. "This has to be the most BORING party ever!"

"… Party?" Kabuto blinked.

"Well, yeah! You know, someone should try and lighten things up a bit! And I know just the person!"

Shikamaru's eyes widened slightly, "N-no! Stop her! I've heard this talk from her before!"

"That someone is me!"

"Too late!" Choji cried.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!"

Get This Party Started

Ino and Sakura: I'm coming up so you'd better get this party started!  
I'm coming up so you'd better get this party started!

Sasuke: Sakura? … And you called ME a traitor, Naruto.

Naruto: Shudders

Ino: Get this party started on a Saturday night!  
Everybody's waiting for me to arrive!  
Sending out the message to all of my friends,  
We'll be looking flashy in my Mercedes Benz!  
I got lots of style with my gold diamond rings!  
I can go for miles if you know what I mean!

Ibiki: She can do _what_?!

Shikamaru: Give her what she wants and she'll go away.

Choji: … Isn't that from a book?

Shikamaru: The Storm of the Century.

Choji: Oh, yeah.

Ino and Sakura: I'm coming up so you'd better get this party started!  
I'm coming up so you'd better get this party started!

Ino: Pumping up the volume, breaking down to the beat,  
Cruising through the West Side, I'll be checking the scene!  
Boulevard is freaking as I'm coming fast!  
I'll be burning rubber; you'll be kissing my-AUGH!

Everyone cheers as Itachi smacks Ino on the head as hard as he can. She crumples to the ground, unconscious.

End… Sort of

"Well, that was stupid!" Neji uncovered his ears.

"Agreed!" Sasuke pulled out Sakura's earplugs once more.

There was another silence.

"I'm hungry!"

Shikamaru rolled his eyes, "Choji, you're a walking stomach! You're always hungry!"

"Not to mention how much he resembles a tub of lard!" Jiraiya grinned.

"Yeah, that's right, make fun of the overweight ninja!" Choji replied bitterly.

"You know Choji, they wouldn't make fun of you as much if you… uh… embraced yourself."

"Shut up, Naruto!"

"No, seriously! There's power in pride!"

"Hmm…"

Naruto threw an arm around his old classmate, "Just repeat after me; I'm fat, and I'm proud! I'm fat, and I'm proud!"

"I'm… f-fat, and I'm p-proud?"

"No! Say it like you mean it!"

"I'm fat and I'm proud."

"C'mon, buddy! Say it to everyone! Show 'em what you're made of!"

"I'm fat and I'm proud! I'm fat and I'm proud!!! I'M FAT AND I'M PROUD!!!!!!!!!"

"All right!" Naruto cheered. "That's it!"

"I'M FAT AND I'M PROUD!!!!!!!!! I'M FAT AND I'M PROUD!!!!!!!!!"

"Uh… okay Choji, we get it…" Kiba began.

"I'M FAT AND I'M PROUD!!!!!! I'M FAT AND I'M PROUD!!!!! I'M FAT AND I'M PROUD!!!!!"

Hinata whispered, "Choji, you really should calm down," but to no avail.

"I'M… I'M…** I'M!!!!!…"**

??? – Oh, yeah, my time to shine! – Author 2

Choji rips off his ninja clothes to reveal a gangster outfit. He uses a series of hand signs and expands to an alarming size.

Techno can be heard…

Choji: Your butt is wide… well, mine is, too!  
Just watch your mouth… or I'll sit on you!  
The word is out… better treat me right,  
'Cause I'm the king… of cellulite!  
Ham on, ham on, ham on whole wheat, all right!

Choji: My zippers bust… my buckles break!  
I'm too much man… for you to take!  
The pavement cracks… when I fall down!  
I've got more chins… than Chinatown!

Choji: Well, I've never used a phone booth!  
And I've never seen my toes!  
When I'm going to the movies,  
I take up seven rows!

ANBU men dressed up in fat suits and gangster outfits appear and begin to dance… Jackson style!

Choji: Because I'm fat, I'm fat, come on!  
ANBU Members: Fat, fat, really, really fat!  
Choji: You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it!  
ANBU Members: Fat, fat, really, really fat!  
Choji: You know I'm fat, I'm fat, come on, you know!  
ANBU Members: Fat, fat, really, really fat!  
Choji and his Gang: Don't you call me pudgy, portly or stout!  
Just now tell me once again-

Choji: Who's fat!

Choji: When I walk out… to get my mail,  
It measures on… the Richter scale!  
Down at the beach… I'm a lucky man!  
I'm the only one… who gets a tan!  
If I have one more… pie alamode,  
I'm gonna need… my own ZIP code!

Choji: When you're only having seconds,  
I'm having twenty-thirds!  
When I go to get my shoes shined,  
I gotta take their word!

Choji: Because I'm fat, I'm fat, sha mone!  
ANBU Members: Fat, fat, really, really fat!  
Choji: You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it!  
ANBU Members: Fat, fat, really, really fat!  
Choji: You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it, you know!  
ANBU Members: Fat, fat, really, really fat!  
Choji and his Gang: And my shadow weighs forty-two pounds!  
Let me tell you once again-

Choji: Who's fat!

Choji tries to break-dance and ends up rolling around the room. The others scream and run from him, but he continues to spin towards the group at an alarming speed.

Choji: If you see me coming your way,  
Better give me plenty space!  
If I tell you that I'm hungry,  
Then won't you feed my face?!

Tenten: He's gaining on us!!!!

Jiraiya: HOLY CRAP!!!! RUN!!!!! RRRRRUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Choji: Because I'm fat, I'm fat, come on!  
ANBU Members: Fat, fat, really, really fat!  
Choji: You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it!  
ANBU Members: Fat, fat, really, really fat!  
Choji: You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it, you know!  
ANBU Members: Fat, fat, really, really fat!  
Choji: Woo, woo, woo!  
ANBU Members: When I sit around the house,  
I really sit around the house!

Choji: You know I'm fat, I'm fat, come on!  
ANBU Members: Fat, fat, really, really fat!  
Choji: You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it, you know it!  
ANBU Members: Fat, fat, really, really fat!  
Choji: You know, you know, you know, come on!  
ANBU Members: Fat, fat, really, really fat!  
Choji and his Gang: And you know all by myself I'm a crowd!  
Let me tell you once again…

Choji: You know I'm huuuge, I'm fat, you know it!  
ANBU Members: Fat, fat, really, really fat!  
Choji: You know I'm fat, you know, hoooo!  
ANBU Members: Fat, fat, really, really fat!  
Choji: You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it, you know!  
ANBU Members: Fat, fat, really, really fat!  
Choji and his Gang: And the whole world knows I'm fat and I'm proud!  
Just now tell me once again-

Choji: Who's fat!

Choji runs out of chakra and deflates like a balloon. Everyone cheers in relief.

End

"Thank… goodness!" Shino panted.

Kiba snarled in rage, "You are so dead, fattie!"

"I'M FAT AND I'M PROUD!!!!!!!!!"

"AAGHH!! Don't provoke him, you moron!" Neji slapped Kiba across the face.

"… You just… bitch-slapped someone…" Itachi smirked evilly.

"Heheheh… he hits like a girl!" Kisame snickered.

"At least he doesn't laugh like one…" Itachi snarled. Kisame looked down, hurt.

"DAMN YOU ALL!!!! I'LL SHOW YOU THE FURY OF THE GENTLE FIST!!!!!"

"Try it!!!"

Neji and Itachi began warily attacking one another, cold rage on both of their faces, while Kisame hid in his usual spot against the wall.

"Ignoring those idiots for a moment…" Tsunade cleared her throat, "What should we do-"

"IT'S MYYYYYYY TUUUUUUURRRRRRNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT BOY HAS INSPPPIIIIIIIIRRREEED MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Oh, Gods, no!" Orochimaru moaned at the sound of Jiraiya's voice. Kabuto patted his shoulder, but his master waved him away once more.

??? … Yay… - Author 2

Kakashi and Iruka reappear.

Jiraiya: Oh my gods!  
Kakashi, look at his butt!  
It's so big!  
Kakashi: He looks like one of those rap guy's boyfriends!

Jiraiya: Who understands those rap guys?

Kakashi: They only talk to him because he looks like a total prostitute!

I mean his butt,

It's just so big!

Jiraiya: I can't believe it's so round!

It's just out there!

I mean, it's gross!

Kakashi: Look, he's just so black!

Choji: Who are you calling black, bitch?!

Everyone: …

Jiraiya: I like big butts and I cannot lie!  
You other brothers can't deny,  
That when a girl walks in with an itty, bitty waist,  
And a round thing in your face,  
You get sprung!  
Wanna pull up tough?  
'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed,  
Deep in the jeans she's wearing!  
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring!  
Oh, baby I wanna get with ya,  
And take your picture!  
My home-boys tried to warn me,  
But that butt you got,  
Kakashi: Makes me so horny!

Jiraiya: Ooh, rump of smooth skin!  
You say you wanna get in my benz!  
Well use me, use me, 'cause you ain't that average groupie!

Kakashi: I've seen them dancing!

ANBU Guys and ANBU Chicks reappear

Shikamaru: Dude, where did they come from?

Kakashi: To hell with romancing!  
She's sweat, wet, got it going like a turbo 'vette!

Jiraiya: I'm tired of magazines,  
Saying flat butts are 'the thing!'  
Take the average black man and ask him that!  
She gotta pack much back!

Jiraiya: So Fellas!

ANBU Guys: Yeah!

Jiraiya: Fellas!

ANBU Guys: Yeah!  
Jiraiya: Has your boyfriend got the butt?

Kakashi: Hell yeah! (Iruka: HEY!!)  
Jiraiya: Well, shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it, shake that healthy butt!  
Baby got back!

Baby got back!

Kakashi: I like 'em round and big!  
And when I'm throwing a gig,  
I just can't help myself!  
I'm actin like an animal!  
Now here's my scandal!

Iruka: flushing so bad he has to hide his face elsewhere. Everyone else laughs at him.

Kakashi: I wanna get you home,  
And UH, double up, UH, UH!  
I ain't talking 'bout playboy,  
'Cause silicone parts were made for toys!  
I want 'em real thick and juicy!  
So find that juicy double!  
Hatake's in trouble!  
Begging for a piece of that bubble!

So I'm looking at rock videos!  
Knocking these bimbos, walking like hoes!  
You can have them, bimbos!  
I'll keep my women like Flo Jo!

Jiraiya: A word to the thick soul sistas!  
I wanna get with ya!  
I won't cuss or hit ya!  
But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna –  
'Til the break of dawn!  
Baby, got it going on!  
A lot of pimps won't like this song,  
'Cause them punks lie to hit it and quit it!  
But I'd rather stay and play!  
'Cause I'm long, and I'm strong!  
And I'm down to get the friction on!

Jiraiya: So, ladies!

ANBU Chicks: Yeah!

Jiraiya: Ladies!

ANBU Chicks: Yeah!  
Jiraiya: Do you wanna roll in my Mercedes?

ANBU Chicks: NO!!  
Jiraiya: …Then turn around!  
Stick it out!  
Even white boys got to shout!  
Baby got back!

Baby got back!

Jiraiya: Yeah, baby!  
When it comes to females,  
Cosmo ain't got nothing to do with my selection!  
36-24-36!  
Only if she's 5'3"!  
So your girlfriend throws a Honda!  
Playing workout tapes by Fonda!  
But Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda!

Sasuke: Naruto, what the hell is he talking about?

Naruto???

Jiraiya: My anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, hun!  
You can do side bends or sit-ups, but please don't lose that butt!  
Some brothers wanna play that hard role!  
And tell you that the butt ain't gold!  
So they toss it and leave it!  
And I pull up quick to retrieve it!  
So Cosmo says you're fat!  
Well I ain't down with that!  
'Cause your waist is small and your curves are kicking!  
And I'm thinking bout sticking!

Jiraiya: To the beanpole dames in the magazines:  
You ain't it, 'miss thing'!  
Give me a sista! I can't resist her!  
Red beans and rice did miss her!  
Some knucklehead tried to diss,  
'Cause his girls were on my list!  
He had game but he chose to hit 'em!  
And pulled up quick to get with 'em!  
So ladies, if the butt is round!  
And you wanna triple X throw-down!  
Dial 1-900-JIRAIYA and kick them nasty thoughts!  
Baby got back!  
Baby got back!  
Little in the middle but she got much back!

Little in the middle but she got much back!

Little in the middle but she got much back!

Little in the middle but she got much back!

End

"… That was very disturbing…" grumbled Sasuke as he rubbed the back of his neck.

Naruto frowned. "Agreed."

"… Bunch of shit." Itachi looked away.

"I feel… unclean…" Choji shuddered.

"… Did you know that the new conditioner I've been using is made out of the finest shinobi flowers?" Orochimaru purred to Kabuto as they sat in a completely different corner of the room, conversing as if nothing had happened in the first place.

"That's because I made it especially for you, Lord Orochimaru," replied the ninja casually.

"Kabuto… braid my hair."

"Yes, Lord Orochimaru." Kabuto sat behind his master and began to do as he was told. "Your hair is very lucious, my lord."

"That it is, Kabuto," purred the sannin, relaxing as the other played with his hair. "That it is…"

There was a pause as everyone watched the two for a silent moment.

Kakashi murred, "Well, I guess that means we can go back into the room now."

"NOO!!" cried Iruka, limping across the room in an attempt to escape from the crazed copy ninja.

As some watched the two 'lovebirds' frolic around the room, Gai blinked in confusion as he looked around elsewhere. "… I wonder why Lee hasn't come back yet…"

"You should probably go check to make sure his guts aren't splattered across the walls," chimed Temari with a smirk.

Gai sighed and walked across the room and opened the door, casting his head inside for a glance.

His posture went rigid.

"…"

He then closed the door, returning to his previous spot. There was a slight look of horror on his face, as if he didn't know what to think.

"Hmm? What's the matter, Gai?" Kakashi purred from one of the corners as he held a flailing Iruka against him, "Where's Lee?"

"… He's sleeping…" The reply was faint.

Kankuro rolled his eyes, "All right, but what's Gaara doing?"

"… He's… sleeping."

"… So in other words, _they're_ sleeping," huffed Temari.

"No, he's sleeping and he's sleeping," replied Gai absently.

"Awww, I wanna seee!!" cooed Kakashi as he then scampered over with Iruka to the door, pulling it open gently before peering inside. Iruka was forced to do so, too.

"AWW!!" purred the jonin. Iruka's face was hidden, so no one knew what his reaction was.

"Dude, I wanna see, too!" Naruto bounced over, soon followed by the rest of the cast, excluding Gai, Temari, and Neji.

"I don't want to see my brother naked," Temari turned her head away.

"…" Neji rolled his eyes.

Gai was silently crying.

"Awww!!!" sighed the mass at the door, except for Iruka, who mumbled something like, "… Isn't this called invading people's privacy?"

Nestled cutely within one another's arms, Gaara and Lee were gently tangled upon the bed, both of them sleeping soundly, fully clothed. Lee had an expression of pure bliss on his face, while Gaara's was… not much different than normal.

"… Wow, I never thought I'd live to see the day," Kankuro chuckled as he turned around and walked back to Temari. "Gaara's either becoming sane, or he has no idea what he's doing."

"Bowl-cut's taking advantage of our little brother's ignorance," growled the older sibling.

"He looks happy, Temari," Kankuro shrugged, "I'd say he's found inner peace at last."

Temari shuddered. "With _that_ freak of a ninja? Gaara is the Kazekage; that brat isn't worthy of him!"

Gai loomed over her with a deadly glare. "_Who's_ not worthy of _who_?!"

After all the others had stepped away from the door, and it was again closed, most of them broke into useless chatter about… strange things. Ninja talk.

"Ooga ooga, brick brack, bzzt bzzt," whispered Naruto excitedly.

"Tsunade fugli muka brrvip pava! Ha ha ha…" cackled Jiraiya to Kakashi, and it obviously was something perverted, because Iruka made a face.

"Heheheh…" replied Kakashi.

"ARGLE BARGLE!!" Tsunade slapped Jiraiya.

Naruto smiled, "Blech blech perveo blech blech."

"Fucklotard." Itachi rolled his eyes.

Then Gaara's door opened and the Kazekage poked his head out, looking thoroughly annoyed, "Would you all shut up? I'm trying to sleep."

Gai began to cry again.

"I'm going back to bed now," growled the sand ninja before closing the door again.

Gai began to sob even harder, and Tenten attempted to comfort him by patting him on the back. The jonin then fell to the ground with a howl, kneeling as he raised his hands to the ceiling in despair.

Gaara reappeared, "SHUT UP!!" he hissed, murder in his eyes.

Meanwhile

"I feel rather strange today, Kabuto," sighed Orochimaru as he dreamily looked out the window.

"Perhaps it is all the singing, my lord."

"Singing, hmm? You may be right. I should express this strange feeling that brews inside of me. What do you think?"

"Gaara's voice may sound like an angel, but yours is that of many."

"… Whatever that means, thanks. I'm sure you meant it well," Orochimaru frowned in puzzlement before he stood up, brushing back his braided hair over his shoulder.

??? Mystery! Like The Magical Mystery Tour! … Heh… - Author 2

Orochimaru: I feel pretty!  
Oh so pretty!  
I feel pretty and witty and gay!  
And I pity any man who isn't me today!

Itachi: He's… singing…

Orochimaru: I feel charming!  
Oh so charming!  
It's alarming how charming I feel!  
And so pretty that I hardly can believe I'm real!  
See the handsome man in that mirror there?  
Who can that attractive man be?  
Such a pretty face!  
Such a pretty robe!  
Such a pretty smile!  
Such a pretty me!  
I feel stunning and entrancing!  
Feel like running and dancing for joy,  
For I'm loved by a pretty wonderful boy!Jiraiya: Have you met my good friend Orochimaru?  
The craziest man on the block?  
You'll know him the minute you see him!  
He's the one who is in an advanced state of shock!  
He thinks he's in love!  
Kakashi: He thinks he's in Spain!  
Jiraiya: He isn't in love,  
Kakashi: He's merely insane!  
Jiraiya: It must be the heat,  
Kakashi: Or some rare disease,  
Jiraiya: Or too much to eat,  
Naruto: Or maybe it's fleas!  
Jiraiya: Keep away from him!  
Send for Chino!  
This is not the Orochimaru we know!  
Modest and pure!  
Polite and refined!

Naruto: You're joking, right?

Kakashi: Well-bred and mature,  
And out of his mind!  
Mister Shinobi, Mister Shinobi, speech!  
Jiraiya: Mister Shinobi, bravo, speech!

Orochimaru: I feel pretty!  
Oh so pretty!  
That the city should give me its key!  
A committee should be organized to honor me!

I feel dizzy!  
I feel sunny!  
I feel fizzy and funny and fine!  
And so pretty!  
Mister Shinobi can just resign!  
See the handsome man in that mirror there?  
Kabuto: What mirror, where?  
Who can that attractive man be?  
Sasuke: Which, what, where, whom?  
Orochimaru: Such a pretty face!  
Such a pretty robe!  
Such a pretty smile!  
Such a pretty me!

Orochimaru: I feel stunning!  
And entrancing!  
Feel like running and dancing for joy!  
For I'm loved by a pretty wonderful boy!

End

Sasuke frowned as he put a hand to his forehead, giving off a sigh. "His love for himself radiates…"

"I can feel it," nodded Kakashi, but then he paused, noticing that he had forgotten about Iruka and the said chuunin was inching towards one of the doors. "Oh, silly Iruka, where are you going?"

"EEP!" squeaked the ninja as he froze on the spot.

Kakashi drooled as he stared at the other for a while, unsure what to do at first, or more like what to sing. But then an idea came to mind and before anyone could say anything, he had Iruka flailing again as he walked back into the middle of the room.

"We shall sing a song that describes our profound love, Iruka-chan!" purred the other man, although Iruka seemed to pale.

"This should be interesting…" Jiraiya grinned.

Love Will Find A Way

The lights go low as Kakashi whips out two microphones from who knows where, handing another to Iruka, who refuses take it until the other shoves it down his shirt.

Kakashi: In a perfect world,  
One we've never known.  
We would never need to face the world alone.

Kakashi: They can have the world.  
We'll create our own.  
I may not be brave or strong or smart,  
But somewhere in my secret heart,

Kakashi: I know,  
Love will find a way.  
Anywhere I go,  
I'm home,  
If you are there beside me.

Kakashi: Like dark turning into day.  
Somehow we'll come through,  
Now that I've found you.  
Love will find a way.

At first, Iruka won't sing and he turns to Kakashi with a pale expression. "Do I have to sing?" he croaks weakly.

Kakashi: If you don't, I'll tie you up and punish you later.

Iruka: pales

Iruka: I was so… afraid,  
Now I realize,  
Love is never wrong,  
And so it never dies.

Iruka: There's a perfect world,  
Shining in your eyes…Kakashi and Iruka: And if only they could feel it, too,  
The happiness I feel with you…

Kakashi and Iruka: They'd know…  
Love will find a way.  
Anywhere we go,  
We're home.  
If we are there together…

Kakashi and Iruka: Like dark turning into day,  
Somehow we'll come through,  
Now that I've found you.  
Love will find a way.

Iruka: I know love will find a… waaaay…

Romantic music slowly ends and Kakashi leans forward and steals a kiss, since Iruka seemed to be entranced by singing.

"Oops! I forgot the last line!" Kakashi smirked. "Lucky Iruka covered for me!"

"Wha…? … You mean I… sang the last line… alone?"

"Yes, and what a magnificent line it was!"

"YOU-"

"… So how many SANE people are down here?" Tsunade snarled. "I mean, even Ibiki's saner than some of you idiots!"

The group turned to look at Ibiki, who was spearing beetles on his kunai and giggling like a schoolgirl as they squirmed in their final, agonizing moments.

"Um… are you sure about that?" Kiba frowned.

"Yeah… he's not what I'd call… _normal_…" Sakura nodded.

Ino and Tazuna both sat up sharply and cried, "AMBUSH!" simultaneously, then groaned and grabbed at their throbbing heads.

"Damn, I thought she'd be down longer than that," Itachi frowned. "Maybe I should have drugged her…"

"Hey, Ibiki!" Kakashi waved merrily at the head of the Torture and Interrogation Corp. "Why don't you sing next?"

"NOOOOO!!!!!!" But too late…

"Well, I could sing a kinky song by Lords of Acid…" drool came from the lunatic's mouth.

Kakashi shook his head, "Ah… no… As much as I love 'Spank My Booty,' that song is R-rated. We can't hear it with children like Iruka around."

"HEY!"

Ibiki thought for a few moments, "Ummm…"

"Do 'The View.'" Everyone stared at Shikamaru. "Come on, Modest Mouse is awesome! Totally my kind of music…"

"So you're a stoner, Shikamaru?"

"Shut up, Kiba."

"OH!" Ibiki's face brightened, "I know that song!"

"Then get on with it," Tsunade sighed, "Honestly, I just don't care anymore…"

The View

Ibiki stands with his back to the crowd, then turns around sharply. Somehow, he too, has found a microphone, and out of nowhere, his Black Ops appear with various instruments.

Ibiki: Your gun went off.  
Well, you shot off your mouth and look where it got you!  
My mouth runs on, too.

Sakura: What's a gun?

Sasuke: Who knows? He's nuts, remember?

Ibiki: Shouts from both sides,

'Well, we've got the land but they've got the view!'  
Well, now here's the clue.

To everyone's shock, Shino is playing a keyboard again.

Ibiki: Life- it rents us.  
And, yeah, I hope it put plenty on you!  
Well, I hope mine did, too.

Ibiki and the Black Ops: As life gets longer, awful feels softer.  
Well, it feels pretty soft to me,  
And if it takes shit to make bliss,   
Then I feel pretty blissfully.

Ibiki: Your gun went off.  
Well, you shot off your mouth and look where it got you!  
My mouth runs on, too.

Ibiki: Shouts from both sides,

'Well, we've got the land but they've got the view!'  
Well, now here's the clue.

The Black Ops: We are fixed right where we stand.

Ibiki: Life- it rents us.  
And, yeah, I hope it put plenty on you!  
Well, I hope mine did, too.

The Black Ops: We are fixed right where we are.

Ibiki and the Black Ops: As life gets longer, awful feels softer.  
Well, it feels pretty soft to me,  
And if it takes shit to make bliss,   
Well, I feel pretty blissfully.

Shino: (Quietly) For every invention made how much time did we save?  
We're not much farther than we were in the cave.

Ibiki: (Softly) As life gets longer, awful feels softer,  
And it feels pretty soft to me.  
And if it takes shit to make bliss,  
Well, I feel pretty blissfully.  
If life's not beautiful without the pain,  
Well, I'd just rather never ever even see beauty again.   
Well, as life gets longer, awful feels softer,  
And it… feels pretty soft to me!

Shino: For every good deed done there is a crime committed.  
The Black Ops: We are fixed…  
Shino: For every step ahead we could have just been seated.  
The Black Ops: We are fixed…  
Ibiki and Shino: As life gets longer, awful feels softer.  
Well it feels pretty soft to me,  
And if it takes shit to make bliss,  
Well, I feel pretty blissfully!

The Black Ops: We are fixed… We are fixed… We are fixed… right where we stand!

End

Shikamaru smiled contentedly, "That's REAL music."

"WHAH! WHHAAHH!!!! WWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Shut up, Sakur-aaahh!" Sasuke ended in a cry of horror.

And no one blamed either of them, for in the center of the room was none other than Haku.

"… It's been a while."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

End of Part 1! Booyah!!! We're just getting started!!! – Author 2


	2. Part 2

"It's you…" Kakashi breathed. "But… I killed you!"

"Yes… you did. You, unlike your students, did not shrink from your duty." Haku gazed at him coolly.

Sakura stammered, "B-but _how_?!"

"…"

"Oh, you didn't know?" Itachi appeared beside Haku, studying the boy intently, "The object we're searching for is a stone of great power, which has the ability to bring back the dead for a limited amount of time."

"So I am going to die… again?" Haku frowned.

"No, you're still dead… after a certain amount of time, you will fade away."

"W-wait a minute!" Orochimaru interjected, "That means that someone is using this stone… so who has it?"

Haku hesitated, then pointed at a certain blonde ninja, who was tossing a small stone up into the air, catching it as it fell to the ground.

"NARUTO!!!!" Kakashi shouted as Orochimaru, Kabuto, Itachi, and Kisame all drew their weapons.

"…What? Oh, HOLY CRAP!!! IT'S HAKU!!!!" Naruto seemed to levitate, he was so shocked. "…Y-you guys aren't going to believe this, but I was just thinking about this guy!"

Itachi rolled his eyes, "Yes, the stone responds to its user's thoughts… Now give it to me if you want to live!"

"I'm afraid I can't let you do that." Haku seemed to appear in front of Naruto.

"… I beg your pardon?"

"I must serve the wielder of the stone."

"You can't be serious!" Orochimaru snapped.

"I'm quite serious…" Suddenly Haku smiled, a sweet smile, but his voice was deadly, "Tell me; do you have what it takes to kill the dead?"

Naruto blinked dumbly before staring at the flat rock on his hand. "I wonder if it will work on someone else!"

"I like bubbles," Zabuza said quite suddenly as he stood next to Haku.

"AHHH!!" Naruto jumped at least five feet into the air.

"Zabuza, sir… so you came, too?" the ice ninja tilted his head just the slightest.

The other mist shinobi shrugged to this, "Not like I had a choice. I was suddenly whisked away from my-"

"Zabuza, it isn't healthy for you to be up and around. You know what it's done to your head lately."

"It doesn't matter."

"… I swear, you'll be the death of me, Master Zabuza…" sighed Haku. All of a sudden, very, very sad music began to play from out of nowhere, and the whole room was covered with a thin sheet of ice.

My Last Breath

Haku: Hold on to me, love…  
You know I can't stay long.  
All I wanted to say was I love you and I'm not afraid  
Can you hear me?  
Can you feel me in your arms?

Haku: Holding my last breath.  
Safe inside myself,  
Are all my thoughts of you.  
Sweet raptured light, it ends here tonight…

Zabuza: I'll miss the winter…  
A world of fragile things.  
Haku: Look for me in the white forest,  
Hiding in a hollow tree…come find me…  
I know you hear me.  
I can taste it in your tears.

Zabuza: Holding my last breath…  
Haku: Safe inside myself,  
Are all my thoughts of you  
Zabuza and Haku: Sweet raptured light, it ends here tonight

Zabuza: Closing your eyes to disappear.  
You pray your dreams will leave you here.  
Haku: But still you wake and know the truth.  
No one's there…

Zabuza: Say goodnight…

Haku: Don't be afraid.  
Zabuza: Calling me…

Haku: Calling me as you fade to black…

Zabuza: Holding my last breath…  
Haku: Safe inside myself,  
Are all my thoughts of you  
Zabuza and Haku: Sweet raptured light, it ends here tonight…

End

"… Wow," gaped Naruto, staring at them, a bit slack-jawed. "That was… interesting. Deep…"

Sakura frowned. "Who would have ever guessed they were a couple?"

"Isn't that called pedophilia?" said the blonde ninja.

"… Shut up, Naruto."

Zabuza stared blankly into space for a moment, seeming to find the windows interesting. "… I like bubbles. It reminds me of my bath time…"

Haku sweat-dropped. "Master Zabuza, there is no need to go into detail about what you do at that time-"

But it was too late…

??? Heheheh… You ready for this? – Author 2

Zabuza: Splish, splash, I was taking a bath…  
Long about a Saturday night!  
A rub-a-dub, just relaxing in the tub,  
Thinking everything was all right!  
Well, I stepped out the tub, put my feet on the floor,  
I wrapped the towel around me and I-  
Opened the door, and then I…  
Splish, splash! I jumped back in the bath!  
Well, how was I to know there was a party going on?

Haku: Uh… Master?

Zabuza: They was a-splishing and a-splashing!  
Reeling with the feeling, moving and a-grooving!  
Rocking and a-rolling, yeah!

Zabuza: Bing, bang, I saw the whole gang,  
Dancing on my living room rug, yeah!  
Flip, flop, they was doing the bop!  
All the teens had the dancing floor!  
But there was lollipop with a Sakura Sue!  
Good Golly, Sasuke Mally was-a even there, too!  
A- well- a, Splish, splash, I forgot about the bath!  
I went and put my dancing shoes on, yeah!!

Sasuke: …

Sakura: Are you saying… you jumped out of the tub naked and started dancing? That's just…

Haku: sighs… This deserves an explanation.

Zabuza: I was a rolling and a strolling, reeling with the feeling,  
Moving and a grooving, splishing and a splashing, yeah!

Naruto: Yes, I was a-splishing and a splashing!  
I was a-rolling and a-strolling...

Sakura: Naruto, shut up!

Zabuza: Yeah, I was a-moving and a-grooving!  
We was a-reeling with the feeling!  
We was a-rolling and a-strolling!  
Moving with the grooving!

Splish, splash, **YEAH!**

End

"Um… What the hell happened to him?!" blinked Kakashi.

Kisame nodded, "Yeah, I always thought Zabuza was weird, but…"

"Well…" Haku started. "It is because… well… the night before we fought against you… ah… I really would rather not go into the details…"

"It was fun!" Zabuza smiled sweetly.

"That's… scary." Kakashi shuddered. "I mean, I'm all for having fun, but driving yourself nuts with-"

"Shut… up!" Iruka hissed stiffly.

"But I was just-"

"NO!"

"Awwww…"

The sound of a door opening made everyone's head turn just in time to see Lee skipping out into the room, his feet barely touching the ground. Gaara followed him moodily.

"Hello!… Who are they?" Lee blinked. "… Why is everyone staring at us?"

"OH, LEE!!!!" Gai threw his arms around his student.

"Master? Did something happen? What is going on?"

Gaara sighed, "I should have stayed in my room."

"Well, who are these two? I have never met them before."

"Uh… This is Zabuza, and Haku… heheh…" Kakashi hid his grin behind his mask.

"What is so funny?" Lee asked. "Master! You are crying! What is wrong?"

"N-nothing, L-Lee! I…I'm f-fine!"

"Oh… okay…???"

"Will someone just tell us what's going on?" Gaara snapped.

"Uh… Well see, I found the magic stone and brought Haku and Zabuza back from the dead!"

"Ah… so that's why those four have their weapons out."

"Wha?" Everyone turned to stare at Itachi, Kisame, Orochimaru, and Kabuto.

"You know," Zabuza beamed at all of them, "You guys should be more cheerful, like Haku and me!" Haku stood by him, his face expressionless.

"This Master Zabuza is right!" Lee cried, "Gai-Sensei, perhaps you would not be so upset if you were more carefree, like him."

"Yeah, cheer up, Master Gai," Neji smirked nastily.

"We shall help him, right Neji?"

"… I've already done enough today. Ask someone else!"

"You did something? Oh, I must have been asleep." Gai made an odd, muffled sound.

"I'll help!"

"Yay! Tenten! Way to go!"

"… Uh, what should we do?"

"Let us sing, Tenten!"

"Yes, Lee!"

"Does anyone else want to sing with us?" Lee looked over the crowd hopefully.

"I-I will… if you want."

"Yay! Hinata! You are so nice!" Lee cheered. Hinata blushed.

"Suck-up," Neji muttered.

Hinata gazed at him innocently, "Did you say something, Cousin?"

"… No."

"All right! Song time!"

There was a collective sigh from the crowd, save for Gaara, who didn't seem to care either way, and Gai, who was still sobbing on the floor.

Shiny Happy People

Lee: Shiny happy people laughing!

Itachi: Not another stupid song! Not another one! #($&$&(!$&(!$#(!!!!!!!!

Lee: Meet me in the crowd!

People!

Tenten and Hinata: People!

Lee: Throw your love around!

Love me!

Gai: WWWWWHHHHHAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Tenten and Hinata: Love me!

Lee: Take it into town!

Happy!

Tenten and Hinata: Happy!

Lee: Put it in the ground where the flowers grow!

Gold and silver shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine!

Itachi: Kisame, make them shut the hell up.

Kisame: How?

Itachi: YOU FUCKING USELESS-MMFFFFF!!!!!

Gaara: … Don't you _like_ the taste of my sand? I do. It's like blood.

Itachi: MMMMMMFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hinata: Shiny happy people holding hands!

Tenten: Shiny happy people holding hands!

Lee: Shiny happy people laughing!

Lee: Everyone around!

Love them!

Tenten and Hinata: Love them!

Lee: Put it in your hands!

Take it!

Tenten and Hinata: Take it!

Lee: There is no time to cry!

Happy!

Gai: Sniff, sniff.

Gaara: What's wrong with you?

Gai: WWWWWWWWHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Tenten and Hinata: Happy!

Lee: Put it in your heart where-

Lee, Tenten, and Hinata: Tomorrow shines!

Lee: Gold and silver shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine!

Hinata: Shiny happy people holding hands!

Tenten: Shiny happy people holding hands!

Lee: Shiny happy people laughing!

Itachi: _WHY?! WHY ME?! IT'S SO UNFAIR!!!!!!!!!_

Gaara: Are you going to be quiet?

Itachi: Nods.

Gaara: …Fine.

Itachi: Runs into kitchen gagging.

Shikamaru: Doo, do, do, do, do, do, dododo.

Doo, do, do, do, do, do, dododo.

(Repeats over and over)

Hinata: Shiny happy people holding hands!

Tenten: Shiny happy people holding hands!

Lee: Shiny happy people laughing!

Hinata: Shiny happy people holding hands!

Tenten: Shiny happy people holding hands!

Lee: Shiny happy people laughing!

Hinata: Shiny happy people holding hands!

Tenten: Shiny happy people holding hands!

Lee: Shiny happy people laughing!

Orochimaru: Why… Why doesn't it stop?!

Kabuto: I'm sure it's almost over, my lord.

Hinata: Shiny happy people holding hands!

Tenten: Shiny happy people holding hands!

Lee: Shiny happy people laughing!

Gai: H-happy…

Tenten and Hinata: Shiny happy people holding hands!

Lee: Shiny happy people laughing!

Hinata: Shiny happy people holding hands!

Tenten: People! Happy people!

Lee, Tenten, and Hinata: People!

Fades

"Doo, do, do, do, do, do, dododo. Doo, do, do, do, do, do, dododo..."

"SHUT UP!!!" Orochimaru snarled at Shikamaru.

"Doo, do, do, do, do, do, dododo. Doo, do, do, do, do, do, dododo..."

"Shikamaru… the song's over," said Tenten.

"Doo, do, do, do, do, do, dododo. Doo, do, do, do, do, do, dododo..."

"SHIKAMARU!!" Ino howled.

"Doo, do, do, do, do, do, dododo. Doo, do, do, do, do, do, dododo..."

"… This is pathetic," Neji sighed as he turned to stare at a spot on the wall.

"Doo, do, do, do, do, do, dododo. Doo, do, do, do, do, do, dododo..."

"Hey, look!" Choji pointed out the window. "A cloud!"

"Clooouuuuddd…." said Shikamaru, drooling as he stared after it, "Doo, do, do, do, do, do, dododo. Doo, do, do, do, do, do, dododo... cloud… do, do, do, do, do, dododo. Cloud, do, do, do, do, do, dododo... cloud, cloud, cloud, cloud, cloud, cloud, clou-clou-cloud……"

"Right, let's just ignore him for a while. He's at the mushrooms again," Neji frowned.

"This is ridiculous!!"

Sasuke snarled as he stormed around the room, finally loosing his cool. His eyes of black were erupting with hatred as he looked around for something to obliterate. "I'm sick of having to listen to these stupid songs! Why can't we all do something else? I hate this!! HATE IT!!"

"He's starting to sound like someone I know…" Kisame muttered, glancing towards the kitchen and 'eep'ing as Itachi wandered out.

"Ugh, that was disgusting!" the other snarled, much like Sasuke did. "I hate this! This is ridiculous!! If I have to listen to another fucking song, I'm going to blow up this whole place and say to hell with it!"

"AHHH!!" Both Uchiha siblings vented their anger at the ceiling simultaneously.

"And I hate you most of all!" Sasuke whirled around to point a finger at his older brother.

Itachi snarled right back, "You make me sick!"

"Why can't you just die?!"

"Why can't YOU?!"

"_What_ did you say?!"

"You heard me, bitch!"

"AHHH!!" They both screamed again.

All of characters, save for Shikamaru, who was still muttering, "Cloud, cloud, cloud, cloud, cloud, cloud, clou-clou-cloud……" ran for the rooms on the other side. Gaara and Lee vanished into their room, Kakashi dragged a flailing and whimpering Iruka back to theirs, and the rest of them crowded into another.

Sasuke clenched his fist before finally turning to his brother. "I've got something to say to you, pal!"

"Then hit me with it, wench!" the other replied with a glare. No one seemed to notice that Haku and Zabuza had vanished…

Going Under

Sasuke: Now I will tell you what I've done for you…

Sasuke: 50 thousand tears I've cried…  
Screaming, deceiving, and bleeding for you,  
And you still won't hear me! I'm going under…  
Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself!  
Maybe I'll wake up for once,  
Not tormented… daily defeated by you.  
Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom…

Sasuke: I'm dying again...

Shikamaru: Cloud, cloud, cloud, cloud, cloud, cloud, clou-clou-cloud…

Sasuke: I'm going under…  
Drowning in you!  
I'm falling forever!   
I've got to break through!  
I'm going under!

Meanwhile…

"OW! Get off, Naruto, you pervert!"

"Sorry, Sakura!"

"OW! Get off, Naruto, you creep!"

"Sorry, Ino!"

"N-Naruto! I can't breathe…"

"… I could've sworn I just heard Hinata…"

"Hey… Tenten! Where did Lee go?"

"Dunno, Master Gai."

"Have you two seen Gaara…?"

"…"

"NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Meanwhile… again…

"I can still hear them shouting…" grumbled the Kazekage as he sat back down on the bed. Lee sat down next to him with a sigh.

"Perhaps they will calm down after a while."

Gaara snorted. "They'd better."

"…" Lee shuffled his feet a bit. "So… what now?"

"… I don't care."

"Uh… well… we could… take another nap…"

"I'm not tired."

"Oh… well, we could just-"

"Lie down…"

"O-oh… ok…"

Meanwhile… for the last time… maybe…

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" screamed Iruka.

"Heh… he-heh… hehe…."

"Sob…"

Mea-… at the same time…

Sasuke: Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies…  
So I don't know what's real and what's not.  
Always confusing the thoughts in my head,  
So I can't trust myself anymore…

Sasuke: I'm dying again…

Sasuke: I'm going under…  
Drowning in you!  
I'm falling forever!  
I've got to break through!   
I'm going under!

Itachi: So go on and scream!  
Scream at me!  
I'm so far away!

Sasuke: I won't be broken again!  
I've got to breathe!  
I can't keep going under!

Sasuke: I'm dying again!

Sasuke: I'm going under…  
Drowning in you!  
I'm falling forever!   
I've got to break through!  
I'm going under!

Going under!

Going under!

I'm going under!

Both Itachi and Sasuke are on the ground, gasping for air after screaming at each other for so long.

End

All the people that stood in the one room together finally tumbled out, falling about one another.

"I can breathe again…" gasped Shino as he stood up, brushing off his coat with a sigh.

Choji didn't look affected. "I'm fine."

Unfortunately, the only one that was not okay was Hinata, for Neji was forced to give her mouth to mouth. "Damn… Naruto!" he hissed.

"… NO! Gasp We're… not done!" gasped Itachi as he struggled to his feet, having to wrap his arms around his abdomen to steady himself. A strange glint formed in the pair of Sharingan.

"… Another song?" Shino sighed.

Guilty

Itachi: I feel guilty…  
My words are empty.  
No signs to give you;  
I don't have the time for you.

Itachi: You say I'm heartless…

Naruto: Isn't THAT the truth!

Sakura: You can say that again…

Itachi: And you say I don't care!  
I used to be there for you,  
And you've said I seem so dead, that I have changed,  
But so have you!

Itachi: Guilty, whhoooaahh… I feel so…  
Empty, yeaahhh… empty, you know how to make me feel!

Itachi: I put a shield upon you.  
I didn't mean to hurt you.  
I would have only poisoned your mind…  
Never meant to make you cry.

Itachi: You've been so thoughtless…  
I can see right through you…  
You used to be there for me,  
So don't you leave and say goodbye,  
'Cause you have changed but so have I!

Itachi: Guilty, whhoooaahh… I feel so…  
Empty, yeaahhh… empty, you know how to make me feel!

Itachi and Sasuke: I never thought that the time and the distance,  
Between us made you so much colder.

Itachi: I'll carry the world on my shoulders!

Itachi: Guilty, whhoooaahh… I feel so…  
Empty, yeaahhh… empty, you know how to make me feel!

Itachi: Guilty, whhoooaahh… I feel so…  
Empty, yeaahhh… empty, you know how to make me feel!

End

"Itachi… feels bad?" Tenten snickered lightly behind her hand, not letting the criminal hear her.

But apparently he did. "Uh… well, you see, there's something I've discovered over the few years I've been in the Akatsuki…" Itachi then covered his brother's ears and hissed, "I've got the hots for my younger brother, Sasuke."

"…………………………………………………………."

"That… is a bit _too _kinky…" Jiraiya went rather green.

"You're an incestuous pedophile?" Orochimaru lifted his eyebrows.

_Heehee!_ Kisame thought. _And he called me a pansy!_

"What?! What the hell is he saying?!" Sasuke struggled against his sibling's hold.

"… GRR!" Everyone looked up to see Sakura and Ino fuming.

Itachi blinked, "What the-"

"SASUKE'S MINE, YOU PIG!" both girls screeched simultaneously, but only Ino was stupid enough to actually charge at the criminal. Itachi shoved his brother aside and pulled out a sword, and Ino ran herself through upon it.

"… Whoops…"

"I told you not to steal my role, Uchiha." Gaara was leaning against his bedroom door, his face unreadable.

"Give me a break!" Itachi snapped, "She ran straight onto my sword!"

"Then you shouldn't have drawn it."

The criminal threw his hands into the air, "Fine! Whatever! Who cares?!" He didn't notice Sakura, Hinata, Choji, and (surprisingly) Shikamaru's stricken faces.

"Let me put it this way, emo freak," Gaara's jade eyes gazed straight into Itachi's with no sign of fear, "If you make another move like that, you won't have to worry about who gets that stone, because I'll have feasted upon your flesh." And for the first time in his life, Itachi was… unnerved. "… Oh, I'm blocking the door… silly… me…" The group shuddered collectively, and Gaara turned about and opened the door. "Lee. Ino's dead."

"…What?!" Lee exploded into the room, righteous anger radiating from him. He spied Itachi's bloodstained sword. "YOU FIEND!!!!" He rushed at the elder Uchiha in a blind sprint, but fell over when his arms and legs were caught by ropes of… sand.

"This one isn't the kind you can take down with anger alone, Lee." Gaara let his orbs drift from Itachi to Lee, and back again. "Besides… it appears she threw herself on his sword."

"ARGH!!" Sakura began screaming at the top of her lungs, "YOU TRY TO TAKE SASUKE FROM ME AND THEN YOU KILL MY BEST FRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'LL KILL YOU!!!!!!!!"

"No!" Everyone turned to look at Sasuke. "…He's mine."

Itachi blinked.

"Ahem…" Sasuke cleared his throat… "YOU FUCKING IDIOT! YOU _ACCIDENTALLY_ MURDERED SOMEONE?! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!"

Sakura whined and jumped up and down at this. "_Sasukeee_! You've become such a jerk ever since you left to find Orochimaru! Where did the old Sasuke go? WHERE?!"

Complicated

Sakura: Uh huh…

Life's like this.

Uh huh…Uh huh…

That's the way it is…

Cause life's like this.

Uh huh…

Uh huh…

That's the way it is.

Sakura: Chill out.

What you yelling for?

Lay back.

It's all been done before.

And if you could only let it be,

You will see…

Sasuke: Look who's talking…

Sakura: I like you the way you are,

When we're driving in your car.

And you're talking to me one-on-one,

But you become,

Sakura: Somebody else.

'Round everyone else.

Watching your back,

Like you can't relax.

You're trying to be cool.

You look like a fool to me.

Tell me…

Sakura and Tenten: Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?

Sakura: I see the way you're-

Sakura and Tenten: Actin' like you're somebody else,

Sakura: Gets me frustrated.

Life's like this you,

Sakura and Tenten: You fall and you crawl and you break and you take what you get,

Sakura: And you turning into.

Sakura and Tenten: Honestly, you promised me.

I'm never gonna find you fake it.

Sakura: No, no, no…

Sakura: You come over unannounced.

Dressed up like you're something else.

Where you are ain't where it's at, you see.

You're making me,

Laugh out,

When you strike a pose.

Take off,

All your preppy clothes.

You know,

You're not fooling anyone,

When you become…

Sakura: Somebody else,

Round everyone else.

Watching your back,

Like you can't relax.

You're trying to be cool.

You look like a fool to me.

Tell me…

Sakura and Tenten: Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?

Sakura: I see the way you're-

Sakura and Tenten: Actin' like you're somebody else,

Sakura: Gets me frustrated.

Life's like this you,

Sakura and Tenten: You fall and you crawl and you break and you take what you get,

Sakura: And you turning into.

Sakura and Tenten: Honestly, you promised me.

I'm never gonna find you fake it.

Sakura: No, no, nAUGH!!

Sakura cries out as Itachi hits her over the head as best as he could, much like he did with Ino.

Abrupt End

"… Are you going to run your sword through her, too?" grumbled Neji.

Itachi growled as he folded his arms across his chest. "I was thinking about it…"

There was a moment of silence before Tenten pouted, looking around sourly. "Boy, we've been hearing nothing but sad and annoying songs lately. We need something happier."

Gaara growled again, "Lee… do something…" Lee only stared.

"Lee, we should sing together!" claimed Gai quite suddenly, and most of the crowd groaned.

Lee's reply was a quick salute. "Yes, Master Gai! Let us sing!"

"Great, not another stupid song…" said Kankuro dully.

Wanna Be Like You

Lee: Now I am the king of the swingers.  
Oh, the jungle VIP!  
I have reached the top and had to stop,  
And that is what is bothering me!  
I want to be a man, Sensei,  
And stroll right into town!  
And be just like the other men,  
I am tired of monkeying around!

Lee: Oh, oobee doo!

ANBU Members: Oopdee-doo!  
Lee: I want to be like you!

ANBU Members: Shaa-be-doo-bee-do-daa!  
Lee: I want to walk like you,  
Talk like you, too!  
You will see it is true,  
That someone like me,  
Can learn to be human, too!

Gaara: … Lee, you already are human.

Gai: Don't interupt him!

Tenten: Gee, cousin Lee,  
You're doing real good!  
Lee: Now here is your part of the deal, Sensei!  
Lay the secret on me of the Primary Lotus!  
Gai: But, you already know it…

Lee: Now, do not try to kid me, Teacher!  
I made a deal with you!  
What I desire is that cool pink flower,  
To make my dream come true!  
Give me the secret, Sensei!  
Clue me what to do!  
Give me the power of that pink flower,  
So I can be like you!

Lee: You!

ANBU Members: Oopdee-doo!  
Lee: I want to be like you!

ANBU Members: Shaa-be-doo-bee-do-daa!  
Lee: I want to talk like you,  
Walk like you, too!  
You will see it is true,  
Someone like me,

Gai: Can learn to be,  
Like someone like me!  
Gai: Can learn to be,  
Like someone like you!

Lee: Take it home, Sensei!  
Gai: Can learn to be…  
Like someone like meeeee!

Bap-shoo-da-ba-doop-in-daa… daa… oh, it's over already?

End

"WOW!" Gai boomed, "I feel great! Awesome suggestion, Gaara!"

"… I shouldn't have said anything…"

Itachi frowned again. "Bunch of shit."

"EEP!"

"What's the matter, Iruka? I didn't touch you… All right, who touched my boy?!" Kakashi's eye darted about suspiciously.

Iruka rolled his own orbs, "That wasn't me."

"AAHH!!!" Naruto cried out again. "The magical rock-thing… it's gone! And it was my newest shiny thing, too! WHAAAAAAAAH!!!"

"…Shiny thing???" Itachi repeated.

"… It's not gone…" Gaara retorted coolly.

Orochimaru glared at the Kazekage, "Then where is it?!"

"Here…" Gaara opened his hand, and sure enough, the stone was in his hold.

Naruto sputtered in shock, "Hey! How'd you do that?!"

"I took it from you while you were watching Gai sing a few moments ago."

"W-why?!"

"Because the snake-boy's minion there was trying to steal it."

"S-snake-boy?!" Orochimaru hissed in outrage.

Kabuto, standing a few inches behind Naruto, went rather pale, "N-no, I wasn't!"

"Damn Sound morons!" Kankuro snorted, "As if they could trick Gaara!"

The young Kazekage blinked, then stared off into space… or what had been space a second before.

"KABUTO!!!" Dosu snarled, "YOU LET THIS DESERT RAT KILL ME, YOU TREACHEROUS WORM!!!"

"Hey… My arms are still screwed up…" Zaku frowned.

"… Why did I think about them?" Gaara seemed mildly taken aback.

Lee nodded, "That _is_ odd, considering how completely unimportant those two were in life…"

"HEY!!!"

??? Mystery- Squistery!!! – Author 2

Zaku, Kabuto, Dosu: You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life!  
See that man, watch that scene; dig in the dancing king!

Gaara: Why… why did I have to make _them_ appear…?

Kabuto: Friday night and the lights are low,  
Zaku: Looking out for the place to go,  
Kabuto: Where they play the right music, getting in the swing!  
Zaku: You come in to look for a king!  
Kabuto: Anybody could be that guy!  
Dosu: Night is young and the music's high!  
With a bit of rock music, everything is fine!  
Zaku: You're in the mood for a dance,  
And when you get the chance...

Dosu: I am the dancing king, young and sweet, only seventeen!

Choji: You… you're only 17?!

Dosu: Dancing king; feel the beat from the tambourine!  
Zaku and Kabuto: You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life!  
See that man, watch that scene; dig in the dancing king!

Kabuto: You're a teaser, you turn 'em on!  
Leave them burning and then you're gone,  
Dosu: Looking out for another, anyone will do!  
I'm in the mood for a dance,  
And when I get the chance...

Dosu: I am the dancing king, young and sweet, only seventeen!  
Dancing king; feel the beat from the tambourine!  
Zaku and Kabuto: You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life!  
See that man, watch that scene; dig in the dancing king!

End

"… What… the… fucking… hell… is wrong with you people?!?!" Itachi screamed, then abruptly grabbed at his chest, his eyes wide… "C-can't… breath…!!!!" The Uchiha collapsed, hyperventilating.

"It kind of sucks when you're dead…" Dosu blinked.

"… I wasn't dead," retorted Zaku. "No one ever said I was dead. They just assumed I was because my arms blew off."

"Do not insult the dead," said Lee in an over-dramatic tone of voice.

"… What the hell are you going on about?" the sound ninja reply dully as he gave Lee a roll of the eyes. "I wasn't insulting anyone. If anyone should feel insulted by it, it should be me."

"For your information-"

"Lee… drop it."

"… I am sorry, Gaara-san."

Then Shikamaru spoke up. "… I have the sudden urge to walk in circles."

Choji frowned, "Dude, the mushrooms…"

"Dude… That sounds kind of fun at the moment…" Zaku agreed… and then began to do so.

Circles

Zaku: When you were languishing in rooms I built to foul you in,  
And when the wind set down in funnel form and pulled you in.

Zaku: I don't need to walk around in circles.  
Dosu and Kabuto: Walk around in circles,  
Walk around in circles.  
Zaku: Walk around in…  
Don't need to walk around in circles.  
Dosu and Kabuto: Walk around in circles,  
Walk around in circles.  
Zaku: Walk around in…

Shikamaru: Walk around in circles… Walk around in circles…

Zaku: When the ghostly dust of violence traces everything,  
Orochimaru: And when the gas runs out, just wreck it, you insured the thing.

Zaku: I don't need to walk around in circles.  
Dosu, Kabuto, and Orochimaru: Walk around in circles,  
Walk around in circles.  
Zaku: Walk around in…  
Don't need to walk around in circles  
Dosu, Kabuto, and Orochimaru: Walk around in circles,  
Walk around in circles.  
Zaku: Walk around in…

Dosu: Doom da doom da doom.  
Zaku: Well, I know what I'm doing.  
Kabuto: Doom da doom da doom.  
Zaku: Well, I know what I'm doing.  
Dosu: Doom da doom da doom.  
Zaku: Well, I know what I'm doing.  
Kabuto: Doom da doom da doom.  
Zaku: Well, I know what I'm doing.

Shikamaru: Doom da doom da doom. Doom da doom da doom.

Zaku: But I can't sigh now that you made the move.  
Orochimaru: It has gone and gone to dogs, lay down on the floor.  
Zaku: For the right price I can get everything.  
Orochimaru: Slip into the car, go driving to the farthest star…

Zaku: I don't need to walk around in circles.  
Dosu, Kabuto, and Orochimaru: Walk around in circles,  
Walk around in circles.  
Zaku: Walk around in…  
Don't need to walk around in circles  
Dosu, Kabuto, and Orochimaru: Walk around in circles,  
Walk around in circles.  
Zaku: Walk around in…

I don't need to walk around in circles.  
Dosu, Kabuto, and Orochimaru: Walk around in circles,  
Walk around in circles.  
Zaku: Walk around in…  
Don't need to walk around in circles  
Dosu, Kabuto, and Orochimaru: Walk around in circles,  
Walk around in circles.  
Zaku: Walk around in…

Zaku: I don't need to walk around in circles.  
Dosu, Kabuto, and Orochimaru: Walk around in circles,  
Walk around in circles.  
Zaku: Walk around in…  
Don't need to walk around in circles  
Dosu, Kabuto, and Orochimaru: Walk around in circles,  
Walk around in circles.  
Zaku: Walk around in…

End

"… Ah, Kabuto," purred the snake-like sannin, "you and I sound lovely together."

The sound ninja blinked in question. "We do?"

"Two peas in a pod," nodded Orochimaru.

There was a moment of silence.

"… Lord Orochimaru?"

"Hmm, what is it, Kabuto?"

"… Do you really mean that?"

"Of course…"

Incomplete

Kabuto seems a bit gloomy as he walks to the middle of the room with a sigh.

Kabuto: Empty spaces fill me up with holes…  
Distant faces with no place left to go…  
Without you, within me I can't find no rest.  
Where I'm going is anybody's guess.Kabuto: I've tried to go on like I never knew you.  
I'm awake but my world is half-asleep.  
I pray for this heart to be unbroken,  
But without you all I'm going to be is, incomplete…

Kabuto: Voices tell me I should carry on,  
But I am swimming in an ocean all alone.  
Orochimaru: Baby, my baby,  
It's written on your face.  
You still wonder if we made a big mistake…Kabuto and Orochimaru: I've tried to go on like I never knew you…  
I'm awake but my world is half-asleep.  
I pray for this heart to be unbroken,  
But without you all I'm going to be is incomplete…

Kabuto: I don't mean to drag it on…  
But I can't seem to let you go  
I don't wanna make you face this world alone

Kabuto: I wanna let you go…Kabuto and Orochimaru: I've tried to go on like I never knew you…  
I'm awake but my world is half-asleep.  
I pray for this heart to be unbroken,  
But without you all I'm going to be is incomplete…

Kabuto: Incomplete…

End

As the "tragic" song ended, Iruka came stumbling and scrambling out of his room, eyes wide as he tied his shirt around his waist to cover himself. He looked severely flustered.

"… Welcome back," said Ibiki with a smirk.

The chuunin gasped for air as he crawled away from the door, body drenched in sweat. "Gahh… haa… hhaarrRRGG! I swear, I'm going to teach him a lesson some day! I'll have my revenge ye-ARGH!!"

Kakashi had come out of the room as well, although unlike Iruka, he didn't bother to clothe himself at all. He strode into the room like nothing was wrong, and then slipped an arm around Iruka's waist and hoisted him onto his shoulder. This made it so everyone had a very nice view of the other's rear.

"Sorry about that," smiled Kakashi innocently. "He tends to escape at the most unnecessary times."

And with that, he turned about face and marched right back into the room again. Everyone stared as they heard Iruka cry, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" and then winced at the grunts that followed.

"… That was… disturbing," muttered Gaara.

Lee shuddered. "That was even worse than what we heard earlier."

Everyone stared at them.

"Ah…" Gaara sweat-dropped and elbowed the leaf ninja sharply, "… What are you talking about? We didn't hear anything earlier. Must have been your head."

"But do you not remember? We heard-"

"Shush!!" hissed the other.

"But-"

"PSSSHBTBT!!"

"… Ok."

Meanwhile, Orochimaru and Kabuto were still staring at one another in a strange manner, neither one of them bothering to say anything for quite some time. They seemed to quickly glance at Iruka as he came out, blinked as Kakashi dragged him away, and then went back to staring once the chuunin screamed again.

"…" Kabuto blinked. "… Sadness."

"Yes…" replied the other in a very depressed tone. "Grief…"

"So… what did you think about that?"

"About that display of nudity?"

"No… I meant my song…"

Downfall

Orochimaru sighs here and turns his head away before casting it up at the ceiling.

Orochimaru: I wonder how you sleep.  
I wonder what you think - of me.  
If I could go back,  
Would you have ever been with me?  
I want you to be un-eased.  
I want you to remember.  
I want you to believe in me.  
I want you on my side…

Orochimaru: Come on and lay it down!  
I've always been with you.  
Here and now… give all that's within you.  
Be my savior… and I'll be your downfall.  
Whoa, whoa, whoa…

Orochimaru: Here we go again.  
Ashamed of being broken in.  
We're getting off track,  
And I want to get you back again.  
I want you to trouble me.  
I wanted you to linger.  
I want you to agree with me.  
I want so much, so bad.

Orochimaru: Come on and lay it down!  
I've always been with you.  
Here and now… give all that's within you.  
Be my savior… and I'll be your downfall.  
Whoa, whoa, whoa…

Orochimaru: You'll be my savior…

Sound Ninja and Kabuto: Only love can save us now…  
Orochimaru: Love save me now…  
Sound Ninja and Kabuto: Only love can save us now…   
Orochimaru: I'll be your downfall.  
All: Our love can save us now…. Oh-oh!  
Love; save me now!

Orochimaru: Lay it down…  
I've always been with you, here and now.  
With all that's within you,  
All: Be my savior…  
Orochimaru: And I'll be your downfall…

Whoa, whoa, whoa…

Orochimaru: Now I'm back on my own.  
Yeah, my feet are heavy, made of stone.   
And I'll make you go where I go.  
Well, they're here, so can I take you home…  
And I'm coming home, on my back,   
Kissing me, your lips painted black.  
Saying whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

I'll be your downfall…  
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Let me be your downfall, baby…

Fades

They stared at each other again.

"EXACTLY!!!!" Everyone turned to see Anko pointing her finger at them, bloody murder on her face. "KABUTO!!! HE WILL USE YOU AND THROW YOU AWAY BECAUSE HE ONLY LOVES HIMSELF!!!!!!!!"

"I do not!" Orochimaru snapped at her, "I just hated _your_ guts, that's all."

"AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! BEFORE I RIP YOUR HEAD OFF, I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU WISH YOU'D NEVER BEEN BORN!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"HOW?!" Orochimaru shouted above her screams, "I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Everyone save for Anko, Kabuto, and Orochimaru ran to the far side of the room, covering their ears. Gaara had encased his and Lee's in sand.

Fighter

Anko: Hmm… After all you put me through, you'd think I'd despise you… but in the end, I want to thank you, 'cause you made me that much stronger…

Anko: Well, I… thought I knew you,  
Thinking… that you were true…  
I guess I… I couldn't trust,  
'Cause your bluff time is up,  
'Cause I've had enough!

Anko and ANBU Chicks: You were…

Anko: There by my side;  
Always… down for the ride,  
But your… joy ride just came down in flames  
'Cause your greed sold me out of shame, mmhmm!

Anko: After all of the stealing and cheating,   
You probably think that I hold resentment for you, but,

Anko and ANBU Chicks: Uh uh,

Anko: Oh no,

Anko and ANBU Chicks: You're wrong!  
Anko: 'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do,  
I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through!  
So I wanna say thank you-

Anko and ANBU Chicks: 'Cause it makes me that much stronger,  
Makes me work a little bit harder,  
It makes me that much wiser,  
So thanks for making me a fighter!  
Made me learn a little bit faster,  
Made my skin a little bit thicker,  
Makes me that much smarter,  
So thanks for making me a fighter!

ANBU Chicks: Oh, oh, oh, oh.  
Anko: Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah, uh…

Anko: Never-

Anko and ANBU Chicks: Saw it coming-  
Anko: All of… your backstabbing,   
Just so… you could cash in,  
On a good thing before I-

Anko and ANBU Chicks: Realized your game!  
I heard…

Anko: You're going around,  
Playing… the victim now,  
But don't…

Anko and ANBU Chicks: Even begin,  
Feeling I'm the one to blame,   
Anko: 'Cause you dug your own grave, uh huh!

Anko: After all of the fights and the lies,  
Guess you're wanting to harm me but that won't work anymore!  
Anko and ANBU Chicks: No more,

Anko: Oh no,

Anko and ANBU Chicks: It's over!  
Anko: 'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture,  
I wouldn't know how to be this way now, and never back down,  
So I wanna say thank you-

Anko and ANBU Chicks: 'Cause it makes me that much stronger,  
Makes me work a little bit harder,  
It makes me that much wiser,  
So thanks for making me a fighter!  
Made me learn a little bit faster,  
Made my skin a little bit thicker,  
Makes me that much smarter,  
So thanks for making me a fighTARRRRRRRRGGGGGGSDFKADLGJAWLHSORAI!!!

Anko charges at Orochimaru with a screech, but is grabbed by several ANBU Members, put in a straight jacket, and dragged away, foaming at the mouth.

END!!!

"… Uh… Lord Orochimaru?"

"Y-yes… Kabuto?"

"Why are you hugging the wall?"

"B-because rabid, tone-deaf, screaming wenches scare me…"

On cue, a scream, or more like a dragged-out, lust-filled howl, sounded from Kakashi and Iruka's room.

"…." The main room became awkwardly silent.

"I want out of this building… now…" growled Itachi, walking over to stare out the window with Shikamaru. Many others did the same.

Lee sighed. "Sure is nice outside."

"The grass is greener than usual…" Ibiki nodded in agreement.

"Clouuuuddss…." moaned Shikamaru.

Choji shook a fist at the lazy boy. "Damn it, Shikamaru! No more mushrooms!"

"…" Shikamaru didn't reply.

Then, from somewhere in the crowd, a stomach growled.

"… I'm hungry," whined Konohamaru.

Inari gulped. "Me too…"

"Well, there is a kitchen there," Dosu pointed over to one of the doors.

"Hey, Ibiki?" Kakashi poked his head out from behind the door. "Could you get some of the pudding from the refrigerator?"

"… What do you need pudding for?" asked Temari.

"We don't need to know the answer to that," Sasuke growled, casting the female a sharp glare that silenced her instantly.

Ibiki shrugged before walking into the kitchen, while Kakashi looked behind him somewhere and sighed, "Iruka, stop moving around so much. You're just making it worse…"

"…………"

"Yes, I know it does. That's why it's called a vibrator."

All of the characters froze.

"… Yeeeesss, I already know that, too. Just stop moving and you won't make such a big mess."

"…………"

"The pudding will help."  
That comment even made Itachi turn green.

"How the hell is pudding going to help?" he growled, raising a hand to his forehead.

Kakashi grinned as he turned to smirk at the criminal. "You wanna find out?"

"No thanks…" Itachi turned away immediately, nearly vomiting.

"Awww, no fun for you then. Too bad," the copy ninja shrugged and accepted the pudding when Ibiki came back, waving at them all before closing the door again.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"

"MWAHAHAA!!!!!!"

Silence…

Gai coughed.

"I'm still hungry," Konohamaru said.

"Grandpa, how is pudding supposed to help?" Inari questioned as he looked up at the old man.

Tazuna smiled. "Pudding is great for afternoon tea time."

"Tea! I love tea, especially Mom's tea! I want some!" the grandson began to head for Kakashi's room, but luckily Sakura and Tenten pulled him away.

"No, it's… a very yucky tea." Sakura shuddered.

"I like milk in my tea," said Tazuna dreamily.

Temari grimaced. "Gaara, hit him again… please?"

"Sure."

WHACK!

Tazuna dropped like a stone.

"So… what's for dinner?"

"NO RAMEN!! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN 'NO RAMEN!'"

"Shut up, Naruto." Sasuke rolled his eyes.

Dosu and Zaku had vanished, and the group was sitting in a circle on the ground once more at Lee's suggestion, the original idea being that they could pass food around. The problem was that no one seemed to trust anyone with the food preparation, convinced that they would be poisoned. So they each took turns in small groups getting their own food.

Unfortunately, Naruto discovered that the kitchen did not have ramen in ANY of its cupboards, drawers, or shelves.

"NNNNNOOOOOOO!!!!! Can't live… without… beloved… ramen!!!"

Shino blinked, "Can't you eat something else?"

"No, actually…" Jiraiya answered. "Somehow, the boy has eaten so much ramen that it has altered his genetic structure. He can't live without it. If he doesn't get ramen at least once a week, he… well, let's just say it's not pretty."

"Oh, well! Too bad!" Orochimaru commented cheerfully, "Kabuto, your cooking is superb!"

"Thank you, my lord."

"Man, that Anko chick was really out there…" Shikamaru swayed dreamily as he munched on what appeared to be… mushrooms…

Orochimaru frowned, "I'd thought I'd gotten rid of her years ago…"

"Yeah… she was really… wild…" Choji shuddered.

"Pppsshaaww!" Kiba waved his hand, Akamaru yapping, "That's nothing! You should come to my place sometime and my family will show you the meaning of the word 'wild!'"

Choji's eyes widened, "No… you're insane!"

"TAKE THAT BACK, FATTIE!!!"

"EEP!"

"WILD THINGS ARE COOL!!" Kiba roared, "I'M COOLER THAN ANY OF YOU LOSERS!!"

Shino growled, "Here we go again…"

Hinata sighed.

Born to be Wild

Kiba performs his trademark jutsu (Beast Mimicry: Man-Beast Clones) with Akamaru, and the two of them merge their powers…

Kiba: Get your motor running!  
Head out on the highway!  
Looking for adventure…  
And whatever comes our way!

Kabuto: So he does this often?

Shino: You have no idea…

Kiba: Yeah, darling, go and make it happen!  
Take the world in a love embrace!  
Fire all of your guns at once and…  
Explode into space!

Kiba: Take it, Akamaru!

Akamaru: I like smoke and lightening!  
Heavy metal thunder!  
Racing with the wind,  
And the feeling that I'm under!

Akamaru: Yeah, darling, go and make it happen!  
Take the world in a love embrace!  
Fire all of your guns at once…  
And explode into space!

Kiba and Akamaru: Like a true nature's child,  
We were born, born to be wild!  
We can climb so high!  
I never wanna die!

Kiba and Akamaru: Born to be wild!  
Born to be wild!

Temari: I _like_ this.

Kankuro: Nice beat.

Gaara: … Yes…

Akamaru: Get your motor running!  
Head out on the highway!  
Looking for adventure…  
And whatever comes our way!

Akamaru: Take it, Kiba!

Kiba: Yeah, darling, go and make it happen!  
Take the world in a love embrace!  
Fire all of your guns at once and …  
Explode into space!

Kiba and Akamaru: Like a true nature's child,  
We were born, born to be wild!  
We can climb so high!  
I never wanna die!

Kiba and Akamaru: Born to be wild!  
Born to be wild!

Fades

The sand siblings seemed to be having a good time, although most of the others had already left to go back into the main room with their food. Lee was the only leaf ninja to remain in the kitchen with Kiba, mainly for Gaara's sake.

"Kiba, your food is getting cold!" stated Lee before heading out with Gaara. A few seconds after they had left, the sad sobbing of Gai could be heard.

Kiba growled…

"Woof?"

"I think that the freaks from the desert liked it, at least…" he replied.

"Whine…"

"Well, I thought we were awesome!"

"Bark!"

Naruto poked at his food as he sat against the wall, a sad frown on his face as he stared at the plate. "This is dumb…"

No one seemed to notice him, or care.

"… I want ramen."

Again, no one seemed to care.

Meanwhile

Here's the abridged version…

"It's COLD!!!"

"Mhm…"

"KAKASHI!! … You lazy bastard…"

"Lazy bastard am I. I is bastard lazy! Pudding, pudding, yum yum!"

"ARGLE BARGLE!!"

Here's the real one…

"Sob sob whimper…"

"Oh hush, love. You make too much noise for your own good." Kakashi licked his finger and cleaned the pudding from it, seeming to be enthralled by its taste.

Iruka cast him a glare. "Easy for you to say. You're not the one who's tied up."

"That's because I don't wiggle around so much."

"Grrr…"

The copy ninja sighed as he stared into the now empty pudding cup.

"… Kakashi, my body is feeling very cold. Would you mind cleaning me up?"

"… Nah."

"But the pudding is COLD!"

"So? Deal with it."

"WHY YOU-"

"Shhh, shh… there are little children out there. We don't want them coming in on us."

"Then why didn't you lock the door?!"

"… I didn't feel like it."

"… You lazy bastard."

"Lazy bastard is me… Me is bastard lazy… pudding, pudding, yum, yum…"

"Kakashi, shut up."

"Hmm, mm…. Tasty tasty… Yum yum…"

"I said shut up!"

"I'm hungry."

"What…?"

"I'll be back in a bit. I need something to eat."

"E-excuse me? Are you just going to leave me here… like this?"

"Why not? I'll bring you back something after I'm done."

"Kakashi!!"

"I can get some more pudding while I'm at it. We might be doing this for a while."

"WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ONE WHO GETS IT?!"

"… Well, for one, you're the uke. Two, you're younger than me. Three… you look hot covered in pudding. It matches your hair color."

"…….."

"Ok, be back in a bit."

"H-hey! Kakashi, wai-…. Damn it… sob…"

Meanwhile … That's… odd, Author 1. – Author 2

"Hey, I've got a song!" said Inari with a smile, setting his bowl on the floor. "It's a really good one, too!"

"… More songs?" Shino voiced.

"It's a song about nuts!" replied the kid.

Jiraiya grinned at that. "Ooh… What kind of nuts?"

Tsunade smacked him over the head.

"No, just nuts in general, like pecans and that stuff."

"Oh, I think I know that song!" Konohamaru jumped up from his spot. "Nutz, Nutz!"

"Yeah!" Inari got up, too.

"Let's do it!"

Nutz, Nutz! No, this isn't a real song; it's a verse thingie. – Author 1. Thingie! Yay! - Author 2

Inari: Nutz!

Konohamaru: Nutz!

Inari: I like nutz! I like almonds too!

Konohamaru: Peanuts drive me crazy!

Inari: Crazy?

Konohamaru: I was crazy once.

Inari: They locked me in a paddock, and I liked it there, so I died there.

Konohamaru: They buried me where the flowers grew!

Inari: One grew up!

Konohamaru: One grew down!

Inari: One even tickled my nose; it drove me nutz!

Konohamaru: Nutz!

Inari: I like nutz! I like almonds too!

Konohamaru: Peanuts drive me crazy!

Inari: Crazy?

Konohamaru: I was crazy once.

Inari: They locked me in a paddock, and I liked it there, so I died there.

Konohamaru: They buried me where the flowers grew!

Inari: One grew up!

Konohamaru: One grew down!

Inari: One even tickled my nose; it drove me nutz!

Konohamaru: Nutz!

Inari: I like nutz! I like almonds too!

Konohamaru: Peanuts drive me crazy!

Inari: Crazy?

Konohamaru: I was crazy once.

Inari: They locked me in a padd-BLECH!

End… yay…

Inari was kicked off the end of Orochimaru's sword as the sannin grumbled, motioning for Kabuto before using the other's shoulder to wipe off the blood. "Thank you, Kabuto."

"… Yes, my lord."

Then Orochimaru twirled the halberd in his hand again, raising it up once before striking Konohamaru through the head and out the other end. He really didn't seem to be affected as… well… yeah…

He wiped his sword off on Kabuto again. "Thank you, Kabuto."

"… You're welcome, Lord Orochimaru."

Sakura went very pale, "W-what did you do that for? You could have just asked them to stop!"

"… Since when have I ever asked anyone nicely to do ANYTHING?" Orochimaru retorted with a devious smirk.

"Well, there was that one time-"

"Silence, Kabuto."

"Yes, my lord…"

"Anyway, they were beginning to annoy me. They needed to die," As soon as Orochimaru sheathed his sword, he was suddenly glomped by a "special" jonin.

"THANK YOUUUU!!!" cried Ebisu, crying as he clung to the man like he was about to die.

"Eaach!! Kabuto!! Get this monstrosity off of me, right now!"

"Yes, Lord Orochimaru." Kabuto took Ebisu by the collar of his shirt and yanked him off swiftly, shaking the man a bit before chucking him in a random direction.

"AUGH!! WATCH IT!!" Naruto yelped as Ebisu landed on him, banging his head on the floor and getting effectively knocked out.

Then Kakashi came out of the bedroom, this time fully clothed, and he merrily waved at the group. The man seemed so blissfully unaware of the situation that he even tripped on Inari's corpse, stumbling a bit before regaining his composure and hurrying into the kitchen with an embarrassed flush.

"… Will you shut the hell up?" Gaara hissed as he opened his eyes from a short nap. "… You freaks are so loud that I-… Blood…" his eyes went unfocused and misty.

"Oh no…" groaned Kankuro before running into one of the bedrooms. He then came scrambling back out, white-faced and wide-eyed as he went to the one next door. "SORRY ABOUT THAT!!"

"!)&$#!(&!&(#!&#$&!!!" came Iruka's voice, although it was indistinguishable.

Temari sweat-dropped. "Poor Kankuro…"

The youngest of the sand siblings strode over to the room Kankuro had vanished into, pulling the door open with a grunt before peering inside. "Kankuro, get back out here. I need some help."

"……….."

"No, I'm not going to kill anyone… Regrettably."

"…"

Gaara narrowed his eyes, then went into the bedroom. He came back out after a few moments, dragging a whimpering Kankuro with him.

"We need to sing about something so I don't kill anyone…"

"Uh… ok…"

Another One Bites the Dust

Gaara: Lee walks warily down the street,  
With the brim pulled way down low…  
Ain't no sound but the sound of his feet,  
Kunai knives ready to go!

Lee: He's singing about me! YAY!!!!!

Gai: WWWWHHHHHHAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Kankuro: Are you ready, hey, are you ready for this?  
Are you hanging on the edge of your seat?  
Out of the doorway the daggers rip,  
To the sound of the beat!

Temari is head banging with her brothers while playing her guitar.

Gaara and Kankuro: Another one bites the dust!  
Another one bites the dust!  
Kankuro: And another one's gone, and another one's gone!  
Gaara and Kankuro: Another one bites the dust!  
Gaara: Hey, I'm gonna get you, too!  
Gaara and Kankuro: Another one bites the dust!

Gaara: How do you think I'm going to get along,  
Without you, when you're gone?!  
You took me for everything that I had,  
And kicked me out on my own!

Kankuro: Are you happy, are you satisfied?  
How long can you stand the heat?  
Out of the doorway the daggers rip,  
To the sound of the beat!

Kiba: This song is awesome!

Sakura: They're so loud…

All: Shut up!

Gaara and Kankuro: Another one bites the dust!  
Another one bites the dust!  
Kankuro: And another one's gone, and another one's gone!  
Gaara and Kankuro: Another one bites the dust!  
Gaara: Hey, I'm gonna get you, too!  
Gaara and Kankuro: Another one bites the dust!

Gaara: Another one bites the dust!  
Kankuro: Another one bites the dust!  
Gaara and Kankuro: Another one bites the dust!  
Another one bites the dust!

Gaara: There are plenty of ways you can hurt a man,  
And bring him to the ground!  
You can beat him!

Kankuro: You can cheat him!  
You can treat him bad and leave him,  
When he's down!

Gaara: But I'm ready, yes I'm ready for you!  
I'm standing on my own two feet!  
Kankuro: Out of the doorway the daggers rip,  
Repeating the sound of the beat!

Gaara and Kankuro: Another one bites the dust!  
Another one bites the dust!  
Kankuro: And another one's gone, and another one's gone!  
Gaara and Kankuro: Another one bites the dust!  
Gaara: Hey, I'm gonna get you, too!  
Gaara and Kankuro: Another one bites the dust!

End

Several of the others had worked together to mop up the remains while the siblings rocked out, and now there was no sign of the bodies of Ino, Inari, and Konohamaru. Even the 'pizza' had vanished.

"A-are you all right, Gaara-san?" Lee asked.

The Kazekage looked about for a moment, "… Fine."

The group collectively sighed in relief, save for Lee, who said, "Oh, good!" and Gai, who wept bitterly on the floor.

"… I'm tired," the sand siblings announced simultaneously.

Tenten grinned. "Oh, there's the family resemblance! I see it now!"

"Shut up!" they snapped. Tenten went rather pale.

"Temari…"

"Huh?" Temari blinked, "What, Gaara?"

"Sing…"

Her eyes widened, "What? No!"

"…" Gaara stared at her.

"I… uh… I mean, sure, Gaara… sure."

Blowing in the Wind

Temari sits down, fiddles a little with her guitar, and begins to play.

Temari: How many roads must a man walk down,  
Before you call him a man?  
Yes and how many seas must a white dove sail,  
Before she sleeps in the sand?  
Yes and how many times must the fireballs fly,  
Before they're forever banned?  
The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind.  
The answer is blowing in the wind.

Neji suddenly pulls out a harmonica and plays with her. Everyone stares.

Temari: How many times must a man look up,  
Before he can see the sky?  
Yes and how many ears must one man have,  
Before he can hear people cry?  
Yes and how many deaths will it take till he knows,  
That too many people have died?

Gaara: … What?

Temari: The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind.  
The answer is blowing in the wind.

Temari: How many years can a mountain exist,  
Before it's washed to the sea?  
Yes, and how many years can some people exist,  
Before they're allowed to be free?  
Yes, and how many times can a man turn his head,  
Pretending that he just doesn't see?

Gai: Sob sob…

Temari: The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind.  
The answer is blowing in the wind.

End

"Can I go to sleep now?" Temari asked glumly.

Gaara gazed at her curiously, "Why are you asking me?"

Temari rolled her eyes, "I'm going to bed."

There was a general chorus of 'me, too's following this, and everyone left, save for Shikamaru, who was still staring out the window, and Gai, who still wept on the floor.

Meanwhile

"Do we HAVE to share a room?" Kiba growled.

"Stop complaining!" Naruto snapped, "At least you got to eat what you wanted!"

Shino sighed, "Please, guys, it's been… it's been…"

??? Gotta love mysteries… I like the old British ones best… speaking of which… - Author 2

A guitar strums…

Naruto and Kiba???

Shino: It's been a hard day's night, and I've been working like a dog!

Akamaru: Grrrr…

Shino: It's been a hard day's night; I should be sleeping like a log!  
Shino, Kiba, and Naruto: But when I get home to you I find the things that you do,  
Shino: Will make me feel all right!

Shino: You know I work all day to get you money to buy you things,

And it's worth it just to hear you say you're gonna give me everything!  
Shino, Kiba, and Naruto: So why I love to come home, 'cause when I get you alone,  
Shino: You know I feel ok!

Kiba and Naruto: When I'm home, everything seems to be right!  
When I'm home, feeling you holding me tight, tight, yeah!

Kiba and Naruto then exchange looks of absolute horror and disgust. 

Shino: It's been a hard day's night, and I've been working like a dog! Woof!  
It's been a hard day's night; I should be sleeping like a log!  
Shino, Kiba, and Naruto: But when I get home to you, I find the things that you do,  
Shino: Will make me feel all right!  
Owwww!

Someone… plays a guitar solo…

Shino, Kiba, and Naruto: So why I love to come home, 'cause when I get you alone,  
Shino: You know I feel ok!

Kiba and Naruto: When I'm home, everything seems to be right!  
When I'm home, feeling you holding me tight, tight, yeah!

Shino: It's been a hard day's night, and I've been working like a dog! Bark!  
It's been a hard day's night; I should be sleeping like a log!  
Shino, Kiba, and Naruto: But when I get home to you I find the things that you do,  
Shino: Will make me feel all right!  
You know I feel all right!  
You know I feel all right!

Fades

"… That was… weird…" Naruto went pale.

"Now then," Shino smirked underneath his coat, "Good night!"

"Woof?"

Kiba sighed, "Yes, you have a great voice."

"Arf!"

Meanwhile

Shikamaru recovered from a trip only to find that he'd run out of mushrooms.

"Crap…" he hissed, "Now I have to go find more… what a pain…"

There was a pause as the ninja looked about lazily, casting his eyes around the room until he spotted the window.

"Bingo…"

After a few minutes, Shikamaru had hopped out of the window and onto the ground below, which wasn't very far down. He stared around in a bored manner before walking down the road and into the forest.

Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Shikamaru: I walk a lonely road…  
The only one that I have ever known!  
Don't know where it goes,  
But it's home to me and I walk alone!

Shikamaru: I walk this empty street,  
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams,  
Where the city sleeps,  
And I'm the only one and I walk alone!

Shikamaru: I walk alone, I walk alone.  
I walk alone, I walk a...

Shikamaru: My shadow's the only one that walks beside me!  
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating!  
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me!  
Till then I walk alone!

Shikamaru: Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah- oh, mushrooms!  
Mush-rooms, mush-rooms, mush-rooms…

Shikamaru: I'm walking down the line,  
That divides me somewhere in my mind.  
On the borderline,  
Of the edge and where I walk alone.

Shikamaru: Read between the lines!  
What's fucked up and everything's all right.  
Check my vital signs,  
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone!

Shikamaru: I walk alone, I walk alone.  
I walk alone, I walk a...

Shikamaru: My shadow's the only one that walks beside me!  
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating!  
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me!  
Till then I walk alone!

Shikamaru: Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah- Oh, my bag's full. Guess I should start heading back…  
Ah-ah, Ah-ah…  
I walk alone, I walk a...

Shikamaru: I walk this empty street,  
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams,  
Where the city sleeps,  
And I'm the only one and I walk a...

Shikamaru: My shadow's the only one that walks beside me!  
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating!  
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me!  
Till then I walk alone!

End

Meanwhile

For those of you who have squeamish stomachs, here is the abridged version of the following scene:

"DISCOVERY CHANNEL!"

"AHHH!"

"Pudding!"

"AHHH!"

"STRAWBERRIES AND WHIPPED CREAM!"

"ARGGGG!!"

"… And gummi worms!"

"ARGLE BARGLE!!"

"Clean up time!"

"ARGLE BARGLE!!!!!!!"

"Mwahaha."

"Sob sob."

Here's the real version…

"Did you have to take so long?" Iruka growled as he looked at the jonin that was licking his spoon for him as he fed the other. It was obvious Kakashi wasn't going to risk untying Iruka for the fear he might get up and splatter pudding everywhere. Plus… he liked feeding the chuunin.

"There were dead people everywhere," commented the man with a smile. "I even tripped on one!"

Iruka stared like an idiot. "… Dead people?"

"Oh yeah, lots of them," replied Kakashi. "Konohamaru was dead…. Man, you should have seen the gap in his head! It was so wide, you could see his brai-"

"Thank you, Kakashi…" Iruka growled as he gave the other a glare.

"Now…" Kakashi mused as he walked to the middle of the room, "I have a song to sing for you."

There was a pause. "What…. kind of song?"

"A song."

"… Great."

Kakashi smirks as he walks around a bit before saying, "Ha-ha! Well now, we call this the act of mating…"

"W-wait a minute, Kakashi. You're n-not singing what I think you-"

"- … But there are several other very important differences between human beings and animals that you should know about."

"N-no! Please don't sing-"

"I'd appreciate your input."

"Kaka-"

Kakashi: Sweat baby, sweat baby, sex is a desert drought!  
Me and you do the kind of stuff that only Prince would sing about!  
So put your hands down my pants and I'll bet you'll feel nuts!  
Yes I'm Kakashi, yes I'm Hatake and you're getting two thumbs up!  
You've had enough of two-hand touch; you want it rough- you're out of bounds!  
I want you smothered, want you covered like my Waffle House hashbrowns!  
Come quicker than FedEx never reach an apex just like Coca-Cola stock you are inclined,  
To make me rise an hour early just like Daylight Savings Time!

Iruka: Kakashi! Kakashi! Please, no more! KAKASHI!!

Kakashi: Do it now!  
You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals,  
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel!

ANBU Member #4: Do it again now!

Kakashi: You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals,  
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel!

ANBU Member #4: Getting horny now!

Iruka: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?! GET THE FUCK OUT!! The ANBU Member squeaks and runs away.

Kakashi: Love- the kind you clean up with a mop and bucket!  
Like the lost catacombs of Egypt only Gods know where we stuck it!  
Hieroglyphics? Let me be Pacific, I wanna be down in your South Seas!  
But I got this notion that the motion of your ocean means 'Small Craft Advisory!'  
So if I capsize on your thighs high tide, B-5 you sunk my battleship!  
Please turn me on, I'm Mister Coffee with an automatic drip!

Iruka: Kakashiiiiii….

Kakashi: So show me yours, I'll show you mine! 'Tool Time!' You'll Lovett, just like Lyle!  
And then we'll do it doggy style so we can both watch 'X-Files'!

Kakashi: Do it now!  
You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals,  
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel!  
Do it again now!  
You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals,  
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel!  
Getting horny now!

Kakashi: You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals,  
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel!  
Do it again now!  
You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals,  
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel!  
Do it now!

End

"Kakashi, you're not an idiot."

"Really? You think so?"

"No. You're a moron."

"… Awww."

Iruka watched doubtfully as Kakashi played around with the spoon, since he had been using it as a microphone. He seemed to think that maybe… the jonin may have been acting perverted, but he really was trying hard to make him laugh, to forget about the stressful life he lead at the academy. The jabbering of children, the hassle of cleaning up once school was over… it made the chuunin go half-mad, but even as he'd find Kakashi on the windowsill after every session, he seemed to perk up and forget his worries. Kakashi always told him he needed to relax.

The jonin was surprised to see Iruka's face soften, almost to a smile that normally didn't surface at a time like this. His eyes blinked, and even his Sharingan orb seemed puzzled by the other's action. It was something he couldn't read… yet somehow, he knew that Iruka needed him. After Mizuki had betrayed him… after seeing the large wound in the other's back… after discovering the relationship the two had shared together… Kakashi knew that the chuunin was losing himself within all of the traitor's lies. Mizuki had used him, pretended to love him… but then he turned around easily and literally stabbed the one who loved him in the back. Iruka hadn't done anything wrong… and the copy ninja knew that he'd been drowning in despair for the longest time.

_Well…_ Kakashi sighed as he fiddled with the spoon some more. _I guess there are some nightmares that never go away…_

"Kakashi… I'm kind of hungry. Can I have something to eat now? I've been lying here for the past two hours, covered in pudding." Iruka tried his best not to smile as he said this, but it didn't really work.

Kakashi smiled as he set the spoon down, picking up a strawberry and popping it into his mouth and being careful not to chew it as he crawled over Iruka, avoiding the pudding as he lowered his mouth onto the others. He then pressed the tip of the strawberry against the chuunin's lips, offering it to his lover with a gentle smile.

The other blinked as he was offered the morsel, nibbling in it before finally accepting it into his own mouth. The two ninja watched each other as Iruka chewed and Kakashi began to repeat the same action, thus feeding the starving chuunin.

After almost all of the strawberries were gone, Kakashi picked up a can of something and began to shake it, turning to Iruka with a gentle smile. "Open your mouth."

"Wh-" Iruka began to talk, but was stopped as his mouth was suddenly filled with whipped cream. His eyes went large as he choked and sputtered, "Phhhey! Phat phe rell phas phrrrat phror?"

"Whipped cream goes well with strawberries," said the other with a teasing grin. "It also goes well with pudding."

Iruka paled as he swallowed. "Kakashi, if you keep eating all of this, you're going to develop Diabetes."

"Nah, this is the ninja world. People like us don't get that," retorted the older ninja.

"…. Whatever." _That's what they all say…_

Kakashi chuckled to himself as he shook the can again, this time beginning to line parts of the other with the foamy-like substance. At one point, he shook the object once more and squirted it all over Iruka's chest, making the other flush.

"What the hell are you doing, Kakashi?! I'm not an easel!" growled the academy-teacher, giving the copy ninja the best glare he could muster. The silver-haired man just chuckled as he then dotted the chuunin's nubs.

"KAKASHI!!"

"What?"

"I told you, you're making me look like some little kid's art project!" Iruka hissed, writhing a bit against his bonds, but to no avail.

Kakashi beamed. "I think it's beautiful."

"…. You're an idiot."

"Awww…."

The two stared at each other for a moment before the older one set the can down, grinning as he picked up a gummi worm and set it on the chuunin's scar, right across his nose. This made Iruka wrinkle it out of slight irritation. "Kakashi, now you're overdoing it."

"No I'm not," said the other simply as he grabbed some more gummi worms, sticking them in random places, "I'm just having some fun."

"… Wait 'till this is over, then we'll see how YOU like being tied up and smothered in sugary things."

"Ooooh, kinky, Iruka."

"….. Ugh."

"The question is, can you keep your word to that? I find you to be the kind of person who chickens out on things too easily."

"You wanna bet, Kakashi?"

"Sure, bets are fun."

"ARG!"

"Oh, so you're a pirate now?"

"…………… I'm not going to say anything."

"You just did."

"AHHHH!!!"

"Don't wake up the kiddies."

"…"

"That's better."

The jonin smirked in absolute triumph as he finished what he would call his masterpiece, standing back up to admire his work. "Mmm… Ok, I'll be right back. Nature calls."

Iruka paled. "Y-you're kidding, right?"

"No, I really have to go."

"… If you're not back soon, I'm never going to let you in my house again."

"That's ok. I could just teleport inside."

"…"

"Ok, be right back!"

"Stupid Kakashi…."

A While Later….

"WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?!"

"I had some problems."

"… Do I want to know what kind of problems?"

"Do you?"

"… No."

"Ok, good. They're kind of embarrassing."

"Gods, Kakashi…" Iruka grumbled before he squeaked at the sudden weight on the bed, looking up into the copy ninja's eyes… which had a hungry, feral look within their depths. He forced his eyes shut as he felt the jonin's tongue gracefully slide up one of his cheeks, lifting the pudding that lay there and taking it inside his mouth with a gentle purr.

"Mmm… chocolate," smiled Kakashi as he then began to clean off the chuunin's face, gently licking it off in strokes until it was gone. Iruka couldn't help but squirm as the other began to trail down his neck, gasping out as he felt the man suck on parts of his throat, leaving fine red marks. Soon after, his neck was cleaned and his shoulder was devoured next. It seemed that the farther Kakashi got, the faster his swift tongue strokes would become.

"Gahh…" Iruka groaned as the copy ninja reached one of the flushed nubs, taking it into his mouth and swirling his tongue dexterously around it, cleaning it of all the sugar before sucking on it gently and making the chuunin begin to thrash just a bit. "Ka… Kakashi… gods damn it…"

Kakashi smirked as he bit on it before licking his way to the other one, giving it the same treatment as he did to the first. He made sure to clean it well, for he still had a ways to go. The chuunin's abdomen was next, and the brunette had to bite his tongue as the muffled groans came out in more of a hiss through his teeth.

Then the jonin came to the final part… which by now, was very pink underneath all the pudding and whipped cream it had been smothered with. Kakashi had even been kind enough to wrap gummi worms around sections of it.

"Haa… gah… gah-HA!" Iruka couldn't help but cry out as he was fully swallowed, eyes widening as he watched the aroused organ disappear into the other's wet cavern. It even felt better as he felt his tip hit the back of Kakashi's throat, surprised that the other wasn't choking on him the least. Then the jonin began to suck on it, slowly, almost so torturously that it became painful.

"KAKASHI!" wailed the poor flustered brunette as he began to thrash, slightly frustrated at the slow pace the other had going. He could feel it building up quickly, to the point where it was almost unbearable. "Gah… s-stop, wait… I don't… don't…"

"Hmmm?" The purr that vibrated in Kakashi's throat didn't make it any better…

"W-wait, I… I don't want it t-to end so fast… t-too q-quick…"

A slight 'pop' sounded as Kakashi released his victim's member, licking his lips and chewing on the gummy candy. "All right, Iruka… if you say so. You're just too old-fashioned for your own good… not that I mind it. Heheh…"

The jonin didn't have to worry about lubing himself up before sliding in gently, for one, the pudding that remained fit the purpose. The brunette's whimpers were less obvious, although this was the first time he had done anything close to this since Mizuki.

"Ka-Kakashi…" Iruka whined as he squirmed around, feeling the pain that was there ebb away slowly, and eventually to the point where he could suggest the other begin a slow tempo, something he could keep up with. "H-hurry…"

"Sheesh, and I thought I was the perverted one," chuckled the other man as he pulled out slowly and then resheathed himself, grunting as he hit the one spot that made the chuunin squirm in anticipation.

"AAAHH!" Iruka cried as he felt the pace increased; his eyes were blinded by a fascinating white light… he could see stars slowly approaching, and with every passing second, they came closer. He soon began thrashing against his bonds, words incoherent as the jonin pulled out and thrust in, grunting aloud as he too began to see Iruka nearing his end. He had teased the brunette for such a long time that it wouldn't take much to finish him off.

He was right. Iruka came with a startling cry that most likely woke up the whole building, although Kakashi couldn't care less about what the others heard. Right now, it was him and his boy. Just him. Just his brunette…

The tightening of Iruka's inner muscles caused him to gasp out as well, exploding inside of the chuunin just as the other spilled onto his abdomen. The pace began to dull, slowly… but the feeling inside left a warm afterglow; a fuzzy feeling that would leave both of them stunned for hours on end. He knew that this wouldn't be the only time they would do this. They had their whole lifetime now.

"Gah…" Iruka panted heavily as he tried to relax. "Gods, Kakashi…"

The other was panting too. "Heh… you know we're going to have to do this again."

At first, the other didn't respond, for his pants were still ragged and his heart was beating as fast as it could go without bursting within him. It took a while for him to actually talk. "Ugh… I hate to… say it, but… I think… you're right."

That definitely made Kakashi smile.

Meanwhile

Gaara sat in the collapsed tunnel, his face unreadable. Emerald orbs pierced through the wooden door he stared at, unfocused. There was something in those eyes that had not been there before. Ever since he began walking around with Lee, he had become… different, less hostile than he remembered. In fact, for the first time, as he slept with the boy… he felt… happy…

The leaf ninja he was thinking about just so happened to be on the other side of the door, pressing his ear against it to find out what the Kazekage was doing. Lee soon became aware that the sand ninja was singing… something… The taijutsu specialist blinked and leaned into the wood, hoping to catch the words of the song.

Losing my Religion

Gaara: Oh… life… is bigger.  
It's bigger than you,  
And you are not me.  
The lengths that I will go to…  
The distance in your eyes…  
… Oh no, I've said too much…  
I set it up.

Gaara: That's me in the corner.  
That's me in the spotlight,  
Losing my religion…  
Trying to keep up with you,  
And I don't know if I can do it…  
… Oh no, I've said too much…  
I haven't said enough.

Gaara: I thought that I heard you laughing…  
Lee: I thought that I heard you sing…  
Gaara and Lee: I think I thought I saw you try…

Lee: Every whisper…  
Of every waking hour, I am,  
Choosing my confessions…  
Trying to keep an eye on you,  
Like a hurt, lost, and blinded fool, fool…  
… Oh no, I have said too much…  
I set it up.

Lee: Consider this… Consider this,  
The hint of the century.  
Consider this,  
The slip that brought me,  
To my knees… failed.  
What if all these fantasies,  
Come… flailing around.  
Now I have said… too much.

Gaara: I thought that I heard you laughing…  
Lee: I thought that I heard you sing…  
Gaara and Lee: I think I thought I saw you try…

Gaara: But that was just a dream…  
That was just a dream!

Gaara: That's me in the corner!

That's me in the spotlight,

Losing my religion!

Trying to keep up with you,  
And I don't know if I can do it.  
… Oh no, I've said too much…  
I haven't said enough!

Gaara: I thought that I heard you laughing…

Lee: I thought that I heard you sing…

Gaara and Lee: I think I thought I saw you try…

Gaara and Lee: But that was just a dream…

Lee: Try, cry, fly, try…

Gaara: That was just a dream,

Just a dream,

Just a dream,

Dream…

End

Lee didn't move, afraid to breathe. He felt as if something was pressing down on his chest.

Gaara leaned back, lost in thought, his eyes shut. Neither of them seemed capable of any more movement.

"… Lee…" Lee started in shock. He heard a sigh. "You might as well come in; I can see you." The taijutsu specialist blinked, then shook off the odd feeling that had crept over him and entered.

"… How did… you do that?" he frowned.

"My sand," Gaara hadn't yet stirred. "I can see through it using a certain jutsu."

Lee turned about just in time to see a small orb of sand break apart into individual grains and race towards the Kazekage. "I did not know you could do that…"

"It's not an ability I use often."

They did not speak for some time, but a lusty scream did break the silence.

"…"

"Do… do you want… to be alone?" Lee asked, taking a step back.

Leaving… leaving… as he left… 

"…No." The leaf ninja's eyes widened… Gaara… was upset… "… Don't go…"

Lee didn't even think; there was nothing to think about. He strode to Gaara and knelt, pulling him into his arms.

"Ah… ha…haha… hmmm…" The Kazekage shook uncontrollably with what at first sounded like quiet laughter. "… ah… aaahhh…."

Lee stroked Gaara's fiery hair as he murmured softly, "It is all right; I will stay with you… Shhhh…"

"Aaaahhhaah…" Gaara sobbed, clinging to Lee like his life, "H-hurts…"

"Shhhhh."

End of Part 2 … Sob… It's so sad… - Author 2 … What are you talking about? It's _perfectly happy_… yeah, I was just kidding… -Author 1 … You are so cold-hearted! Perv! – Author 2


	3. Part 3

Poke.

"… Meh…"

Poke, poke.

He brushed at the annoying thing subconsciously.

"Kabuto, wake up…" Orochimaru poked his servant's side once more.

"… Yes, my lord…" the younger man muttered absently in his sleep.

"Kabuto!"

"Zzzzz…"

Orochimaru stared at him for a moment, then hissed in his ear, "Kabuto! Help! Sasuke's molesting me!"

"WHAT?! WHERE?!" Kabuto shot up… and smacked into the sannin.

"Oof!" they cried.

There was an awkward moment as they each mouthed the other's 'oof.'

"… Well, at least it worked… I suppose."

Kabuto had gone quite pale, "Ahh… forgive me, my lord…"

"Are you awake, now?"

"Yes, my lord… W-was there something you wanted?"

"Hmm… yes…" Orochimaru smirked evilly.

"Uh… my lord? …!!!" Kabuto squeaked as his master kissed him fiercely. He was about to return the kiss when…

"Noooooo!" came a several tiny, high-pitched voices, "Maaaasssssssssssttteeeerrrr!!!! We love yoooouuuuuu!!!!!!!"

Kabuto's eyes, already wider than normal, doubled in size, "W-what was-"

"Oh, shit…" Orochimaru looked very depressed.

"Maaaaaasssssssssssttteeeeerrrr!!! Don't do it! He iss not wwwoooorrrrrtttttthhhhyyyyyyy!!!!!!!"

"Go away!" Orochimaru glared at the four snakes poking their heads out of his sleeve. "I didn't summon you!"

"Noooooooo!!!" they wailed, "Maaaaaassssssssssssssssssssssttttteeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrr!!!!! You are oursssss aloooonnnnneeee!!!"

"Uh… my lord? What's going on?"

Orochimaru sighed, "They do this every time…" Kabuto reached out to pat his master's shoulder, but drew his hand back hastily as the serpents reared up and spat at him.

"Sssssssssstay away from Maaaaaassssssssssssssssssssssssstttttteeeeeeeerrrrrr, unworthy one!" they hissed, infuriated.

Kabuto turned his head up to look back at Orochimaru, "Every time?"

"… Yes…"

"But then how do you…?"

"I don't!" the sannin snapped bitterly.

"O-oh…" Kabuto frowned in thought. "… ah, I think I have a solution, my lord!" Orochimaru gazed dully at him, unconvinced.

Kabuto performed a series of seals…

"Nirvana Temple Jutsu!"

"Noooooooooo!!! Mussssssst keep Maaaaaaassssssssssssssssssssssssttttttteeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrr pure!!! Aaaaauuuuggghhh…" the snakes went limp, then vanished in a puff of smoke, sound asleep.

"There!"

Orochimaru stared at Kabuto for a moment, then threw himself upon the younger shinobi. Kabuto squeaked again.

Meanwhile

He stirred.

Someone was stroking his hair.

He felt tired. Dizzy. Ill.

"… Lee?" Lee looked down to see Gaara blinking up at him. The leaf ninja smiled faintly and resumed running his fingers through the red locks.

Gaara frowned, "… You didn't sleep."

"No," Lee replied contentedly.

"Why not?"

"I did not want to."

Gaara looked away, still feeling gloomier than he had in a long while. "…"

"There is no need to feel ashamed."

"I-I know that…"

"Then find the good in it and believe it."

"… You sound like Naruto."

"… I am sorry."

After a few more moments of silence, Lee stood and scooped the other up in his arms, gourd and all, and then proceeded to exit the tunnel to a more suitable place to sleep. He had some trouble opening the door though, so Gaara had to do it for him.

The leaf ninja looked around to make sure no one was there before he exited, walking down the line of doors before stopping at their usual one, nodding in thanks as Gaara opened it for him. He then kicked the door shut behind him, only to find…

"L-Lee?" Gai was sitting on the bed, looking miserable.

"Uh…" the student sweat-dropped. "Master Gai… is something wrong?"

Gaara only stared.

"Sniff N-no, nothing is wrong, Lee. I j-just wanted to tell you something."

The taijutsu specialist blinked.

"Y-you can be with w-whoever you w-want…" Gai stuttered before standing up, wiping his eyes with his sleeve and placing a hand on his protégé's shoulder. "I-it's ok… I-I d-don't m-mind… t-that mu-much…"

"Uh… thank you?" Lee wasn't quite sure what to say, for he still had no idea what his teacher was going on about or why he was so upset.

"… Why are you crying?" asked Gaara with a slight frown, but Gai only let out a wail before running out of the room, leaving the two to stare at each other in confusion.

"What was that all about?" the Kazekage asked.

Lee shrugged. "I do not know…"

In the Morning…

Kabuto heard an odd sound, like rain.

"Youuuuuuu… Unnnwwwwoooooorrrrtttthhhhyyy one!"

His eyes shot open, and to his horror, Orochimaru's four serpents were on his pillow, staring down at him. "… Oh, oh, crap…"

"Yoooouuuuuuu fiiiiiiieeeeeeennnnnnddddddd!!!" the creatures snarled simultaneously. "You haaaaavvvvvvveeeee sssssssssuuuuullllllliiiiiiiieeeeedddd Maaaassssssssssstttttteeeerrrr'ssssssssssss puuuuurrrrrrriiiiiiitttttttyyyy! Diiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!"

"Wai…" but the snakes reared back, fangs out. "Aah… my lord!" Kabuto grabbed at his master, managing to snag a lock of hair and tugging sharply on it.

"What…? What the hell was that fo-" Orochimaru's eyes widened.

"Help! Help me, please!"

"Oh, shit!" The snakes lunged at Kabuto's face…

Quickly making signs with one of his hands, Orochimaru switched Kabuto's body with a log, sighing in relief as the snakes' fangs sunk into the wood, although he didn't feel much better when the serpents thrashed around, trying to free their teeth from the captivity.

"You stupid, good-for-nothing snakes!!" the sannin hissed at them. "I told you to leave Kabuto alone!"

The snakes just hissed back at him.

"I'll get rid of you!"

This made them shut up.

"If you do something like that one more time, it's back to the snake-pit for you ignorant creatures. Do you hear me?!" Orochimaru glared.

The reptiles nodded sadly before vanishing with a poof.

The snake-summoner put a hand to his forehead and sighed, calling out, "All right, Kabuto. It's safe to come out now."

The medic came out slowly, peering around the bathroom door. "Are you sure, Lord Orochimaru?"

"Yes," assured the other. "They will not bother us again… I hope."

Kabuto sighed in relief.

Meanwhile

"Hehehehe…" Jiraiya leaned over a slumbering Tsunade, obviously staring at his favorite part of her. Drool was slightly coming out of his mouth, and he had to wipe it away every few seconds. "It's too bad I can't do anything, or she might wake up… Oooh boy, if she was mine… I could frolic around and sing… sing… sing…"

??? Guess what song? … Come on, guess! … F-fine! Don't guess!!! Pooheads… - Author 2

Jiraiya: Down at an English fair,  
One evening I was there,  
When I heard a showman shouting,  
Underneath the flare:

Jiraiya: "Ho, I've got a lo-ve-ly bunch o' coconuts! Laa-daa-dee!  
There they are a-standing in a row!  
Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head!  
Give 'em a twist, a flick o' the wrist,"  
That's what the showman said.

Jiraiya: "Ho, I've got a lo-ve-ly bunch o' coconuts! Laa-daa-dee!  
Every ball you throw will make me rich!  
There stands me wife, the idol of me life,  
Singing 'Roll a-bowl a ball, a penny a pitch!'"

Jiraiya: "Singing 'Roll a-bowl a ball, a penny a pitch!'"  
"Singing 'Roll a-bowl a ball, a penny a pitch!

Roll a-bowl a ball, roll a-bowl a boll,'

Singing 'Roll a-bowl a ball, a penny a pitch!'"

Jiraiya: I've got a lo-ve-ly bunch of coconuts!

ANBU Members: They're lovely!  
Jiraiya: There they are a-standing in a row!   
ANBU Members: One, two, three, four!  
Jiraiya: Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head!  
ANBU Members: And bigger!  
Jiraiya: "Give 'em a twist, a flick of the wrist,"

That's what the showman said.

Jiraiya: "Now that I've got a lo-ve-ly bunch of coconuts…"  
ANBU Members: La-da-de-da-da!  
Jiraiya: "Every ball you throw will make me rich!"  
ANBU Members: Have a banana!  
Jiraiya: "There stands me wife, the idol of me life,  
Singing 'Roll a-bowl a ball, a penny a pitch!'"

Jiraiya: All together now-OOF!!

End… Haha.

Tsunade had apparently woken up, giving the older man a swift punch to the balls to silence him. She apparently had frightened away all the ANBU members too.

Meanwhile

Naruto frowned, "Did you guys feel that?"

"Feel what?" Kiba glared at him.

"You know, like someone just got their nuts smashed?"

"Uh… no," Shino blinked behind his glasses.

"Really?"

Kiba growled, "You're such a freak, Naruto."

"BARK!"

"Stay out of this, Akamaru."

"Whine..."

"Well, I'm hungry," Shino announced, "Some of the others are probably already up." He left.

"Me, too…" Kiba followed, Akamaru trailing behind him.

Naruto pouted on his bed for a moment before getting up… "… But there's no ramen…"

And Shino was right. Aside from Shikamaru, who was lying on the floor, chanting "Mush-rooms, mush-rooms, mush-rooms, muuush-rooms," and Gai who was wailing away next to him, most of the others were both awake and coherent. Only Jiraiya, Tsunade, Kabuto, Orochimaru, Kakashi, Iruka, Gaara, and Lee were missing.

Even Tazuna was there, dancing about the room. He seemed to have completely forgotten about his grandson, not even noticing Inari's absence.

"I feel like singing!" Tazuna smiled dreamily as he began spinning, arms spread.

"Don't you-" Itachi started, but never finished, for the bridge-builder had already begun.

Feeling Groovy

To Itachi's outrage, Kisame began to sing with Tazuna merrily.

Tazuna and Kisame: Slow down; you're moving too fast,

You've got to make the morning last!  
Just kicking down the cobble-stones,

Looking for fun and feeling groovy!

Tazuna and Kisame: Da-da-da-da-da-dada-dadada!  
Feeling groovy…

Itachi: I'm going to kill him…

Tazuna and Kisame: Hello lamp-post, what you knowing?

I've come to watch your flowers growing!  
Ain't you got no rhymes for me?

Do-it-do-do, feeling groovy!

Tazuna and Kisame: Da-da-da-da-da-dada-dadada!  
Feeling groovy.

Tazuna and Kisame: I've got no deeds to do, no promises to keep.  
I'm dappled and drowsy and ready to sleep!  
Let the morning time drop all its petals on me!

Tazuna and Kisame: Life I love you, all is groovy!

Tazuna: Da-da-da-da-da-da…

Kisame: Da-da-da-da-AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kisame sprints away in terror, chased by a sword-wielding Itachi.

Fades

"You can run, but you can't hide!" Itachi growled.

"WWWWWWHHHHHHAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"

Itachi was about to strike him down when the door he was standing next to shot open and smacked him in the face. He fell to the floor, unconscious.

Tsunade emerged, grinning evilly, followed by Jiraiya, who was doubled over.

"Morning!" she headed into the kitchen.

"…My… my… my…" Jiraiya gasped.

"HA! See!" Naruto pointed at Kiba triumphantly, "Someone DID get their nuts smashed!… Oh… Ow…"

Temari rolled her eyes, "He probably deserved it."

"O-oh, Naruto!" Hinata breathed, "How did you know?"

"A male's intuition!" Naruto grinned impressively.

"Oh, please!" Neji snorted. "He just wants to get some, _Miss_ Hinata."

Hinata seemed to be turning into a beet, she was blushing so furiously. "I… I… I…"

"Pathetic!" Neji snorted.

Naruto glared at him, "Quit being such a pansy, Neji!"

"I… I… I…"

"What… did you just call me?!"

"I…"

??? … I'm sorry about this, Author 1… - Author 2

Hinata rips off her clothes to reveal a skimpy outfit. Neji's eyes widen in horror.

Hinata: I made it through the wilderness!  
Somehow I made it through!  
Didn't know how lost I was,  
Until I found you!

Neji: … What the hell is she talking about?

Naruto: You, Neji!

Neji: Don't make me vomit all over you, you sick fuck!

Hinata: I was beat, incomplete!  
I'd been had; I was sad and blue!  
But you made me feel…  
Yeah, you made me feel…  
Shiny and new!

Sasuke: Does she do this often, Shino?

Shino: No, never… I think it's been building up over the years…

Sasuke: Ugh…

Hinata: Like a virgin,  
Touched for the very first time!  
Like a virgin,  
When your heart beats,  
Next to mine!

Hinata: Gonna give you all my love, boy!

Hinata begins writhing around on the floor.

Neji: Oh, dear Gods! Make her stop!

Hinata: My fear is fading fast!  
Been saving it all for you,  
'Cause only love can last!

Hinata: You're so fine and you're mine!  
Make me strong, yeah you make me bold!  
Oh, your love thawed out!  
Yeah, your love thawed out,  
What was scared and cold!

Hinata: Like a virgin,  
Touched for the very first time!  
Like a virgin,  
With your heartbeat,  
Next to mine!

Oooh, oooh, oooh!

Neji runs away, gagging at the sight of his sex-deprived cousin.

Hinata: You're so fine and you're mine!  
I'll be yours till the end of time,  
'Cause you made me feel…  
Yeah, you made me feel…  
I've nothing to hide!

Hinata: Like a virgin,  
Touched for the very first time!  
Like a virgin,  
With your heartbeat,  
Next to mine!

Naruto: GO, HINATA! YEAH!

Sakura: Naruto, she's acting like a-oof!

Naruto punches Sakura.

Hinata: Like a virgin, ooh, ooh!  
Like a virgin,  
Feels so good inside,  
When you hold me, and your heart beats, and you love me!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!  
Ooh, baby!  
Can't you hear my heart beat…  
For the very first time?

Fades

Hinata quickly put her clothes back on after the song finished. To almost everyone's surprise, Kakashi came out of his room, carrying a worn-out Iruka in his arms. "Good morning!"

"Kakashi… help… mee…" whined Jiraiya as he reached towards his fellow pervert, but the copy ninja only walked past without noticing, causing Jiraiya to miss and fall over. "Ohhhh…"

Tsunade grunted. "Morning, Kakashi."

"Hi, Kakashi-Sensei!" grinned Naruto, "Morning, Iruka-Sensei!"

"Meh…" was the chuunin's reply.

Kiba grumbled as he held Akamaru, watching Kakashi and his prize stride past casually. "You sure know how to keep the whole house awake."

"Mmm, is that so? My, my, Iruka-chan, it seems we had an audience."

"Wonderful."

Naruto blinked. "Wow… Iruka-Sensei didn't complain for once… that's unusual."

"Hey," said Sakura, "did any of you see where Neji ran off to?"

Kiba smirked. "He's probably still throwing up in the bathroom."

"Yeah…" Even Jiraiya seemed a bit unnerved.

"…" Kakashi blinked before looking down at his cuddled up lover. "Iruka… I think we missed something important."

"Probably."

"… Oh well."

In the Bathroom

Neji vomited for the third time, his eyes shut tightly, "… Uuughh…" he moaned and clutched at his stomach. "So… horrible…"

Feeling yet another wave of nausea coming on, he grabbed the sink nearby and forced himself to relax. "… So… wrong…"

_Ah, but you liked it,_ whispered a treacherous voice inside his head.

His pale Hyuga eyes doubled in size, then shut tightly as he vomited again.

_WRONG!!! I HATE HER!!! AND SHE'S MY FUCKING COUSIN!!! SICK!!!!_

"UGH! Ick, ick, ick, ick, ick…" Neji groaned.

"Uh… b-big brother?"

"AGH! G-go away! Please!"

"A-are you okay, nii-san?" Hinata squeaked. He hated her voice, too… hated its weakness.

"Ugh… oh…" _Must… make her… leave…_ An idea came to the desperate Neji.

He pretended to vomit.

"Ahh… UUUUUUURRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!"

Hinata flinched on the other side of the door, "C-can I help?"

"BBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!"

"I… I… I'll just… go… then…" Hinata shuddered.

"AAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

Hinata scampered away, slightly green.

"… Ugh… sucker…"

_Awww… you like her, you know it…_

_NNNOOOOOOO!!!! NO, I DON'T!!!_

_Haha… I'm having an argument with myself again!_

_Hahaha…_

"Ha… haha…"

_Hinata's hot…_

_NO!! BAD THOUGHT!!!_

_But true…_

_Damn it…_

I Hate Everything About You

Neji: Every time we lie awake,  
After every hit we take…  
Every feeling that I get,  
But I haven't missed you yet.

Neji: Every roommate kept awake,  
By every shout and scream we make…  
All the feelings that I get,  
But I still don't miss you yet.

Neji: Only when I stop to think about it…

Neji: I hate everything about you!  
Why do I love you?!  
I hate everything about you!  
Why do I love you?!

Neji: Every time we lie awake,  
After every hit we take…  
Every feeling that I get,  
But I haven't missed you yet.

Neji: … Urp…

Neji: Only when I stop to think about it…

Neji: I hate everything about you!  
Why do I love you?!  
I hate everything about you!  
Why do I love you?!

Neji: Only when I stop to think,  
About you, I know…  
Only when you stop to think,  
About me, do you know…

Neji: I hate everything about you!  
Why do I love you?!  
You hate everything about me!  
Why do you love me?!

Neji: I hate!  
You hate!  
I hate!  
You love me!

Neji: I hate everything about you!  
Why do I love you?!

End

Neji groaned again. "Stupid song… stupid cousin… stupid everything… Urp…"

Meanwhile

The pink-haired shinobi sighed as she sat down in the circle, looking almost as bored as everyone else did. "That was a bit disturbing."

Iruka, who had been seated so that he sat in Kakashi's lap with the jonin's head resting upon his, let a hand drift over one of the man's knees and gently caressed it. "Perhaps it would be helpful if someone would clue us in on what we missed."

"Hmm…" the copy ninja nodded, "that would help, indeed. What a brilliant man you are, Iruka-chan."

"Sure," Iruka sweat-dropped before letting his hand lift to absent-mindedly stroke at the jonin's masked cheek.

"Well, you see…" Choji frowned as he folded his arms across his chest. "Hinata had a strange… incident… and kind of lost her… what do you call it?… noodles."

"RAMEN!!" said Naruto.

"No, noodles as in brains."

"…"

"So, Hinata finally lost it?" Iruka raised a brow.

Choji nodded. "Pretty much."

"I still think Hinata's pretty cool," voiced the kitsune-boy, glaring at the others as he drew little designs on the floor with his finger.

"… You're stupid, Naruto," Sakura sweat-dropped. "How could you still like her after that?"

"Why not?"

"… Never mind him, Sakura," Sasuke seemed to have had enough of it. "He's still the stupid dobe he always was. There's no point in trying to understand him."

"Sasuke, it'd be best if you watched your mouth."

Everyone stared to look at the one who had spoken, eyes somewhat wide.

"… Iruka?" Kakashi murred as he stared down upon the chuunin.

"Knowing what you've done to Konoha," began the brunette, "and the way you've abandoned everything… Naruto, Sakura… even Kakashi and I. You're just following your brother's footsteps."

"… Hey," Itachi glared.

Iruka seemed to ignore him. "Sasuke Uchiha, you're just as bad as your brother. Just another selfish, power-hungry idiot. You didn't care what happened to your teammates, you didn't care what happened to the village, you didn't even care about yourself. Naruto might be a bit blonde at times, and he might act like what you call a 'dobe', but at least he's true to the village! At least he watched out for his friends! Unlike you, at least he puts other's lives before his! Because of these things, Naruto will be a thousand times a better ninja than you'll ever be."

Kakashi blinked, not used to his chuunin being so serious towards a younger ninja. Sure, he had been a bit rough on Naruto at times, but never had he seen Iruka give off such pulses of anger. Maybe there was something in Iruka that others normally missed…

"Who are you to tell me what I can and can't do?" hissed the younger Uchiha, his Sharingan flaring up.

"I'm one of your former teachers, Sasuke. That is who I am, and that gives me every right," snapped Iruka. "You, on the other hand, think you have every right to insult another ninja… one who was once your friend! Is that how you really treat others, Sasuke? Is it? Are you really that heartless, or is there something else you wish to tell us?"

Naruto seemed a bit amused as he watched the two bicker. This was why he liked Iruka-Sensei so much…

"No," Sasuke replied coolly, "There isn't."

"Then shut up."

"Wow, Iruka-Sensei! You're so cool!"

"Speaking of which, Naruto…" Iruka stood, making Kakashi go 'awww…' "I want to talk to you."

Naruto frowned, "About what?"

"Come on. Up."

The blonde sighed and followed his former mentor into… the kitchen.

Kakashi blinked, "… You don't think he's going to…?"

"No!" everyone snapped.

"Just because you're a sex-crazed pervert, it doesn't mean we all are," Itachi spoke absently, staring at his now moping brother.

"… Look who's talking…" the jonin muttered.

Meanwhile

Iruka and Naruto were alone, save for Gai, who was sobbing heart-brokenly in a corner.

"Uh… is it Lee, again, Gai?" Iruka asked.

"WWWWWHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"

"I'll take that as a yes, then."

"Sob sob. "

Naruto snickered, then stopped abruptly as Iruka glared at him, "Uh… heheh… So, what did you want?"

"You aren't stupid, Naruto," Iruka started, "You need to stop wasting your intellect or you'll end up like me."

The boy stared at him, "… Like… you?"

"Yes. Why do you think I'm still a chuunin?"

"I don't know," Naruto shrugged.

"Because I didn't use my head when I was your age."

"What?"

"You are a lot like I was, Naruto, and I don't want you to end up like me."

"I'm like you were?"

"Yes," Iruka gazed at him, "I believe I told you this the night… that you graduated, that I grew up in a very similar way. I was orphaned, and I became the class clown just so people would notice me. But you don't have to end up like I did, Naruto. You can change." His words were occasionally punctuated by Gai's wails.

Naruto hesitated, "… You mean that? I'm like you?"

How You Remind Me

Iruka: Never made it as a wise man…  
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing.  
Tired of living like a blind man…  
I'm sick of sight without a sense of feeling.  
And this is how you remind me…  
This is how you remind me…  
This is how you remind me,

Of what I really am!  
This is how you remind me,  
Of what I really am!

Iruka and ANBU Guys: It's not like you to say sorry!  
I was waiting on a different story!  
This time I'm mistaken,  
For handing you a heart worth breaking,

Iruka: And I've been wrong, I've been down,  
Been to the bottom of every bottle…  
These five words in my head,  
Scream 'Are we having fun yet?'

Iruka and ANBU Guys: Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no!  
Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no!

Gai: Sob, it's so s-sad…

Iruka: It's not like you didn't know that…  
I said I love you and I swear I still do,  
And it must have been so bad,  
'Cause living with me must have damn near killed you.

Naruto: Uh… what?

Iruka: And this is how, you remind me,  
Of what I really am!  
This is how, you remind me,  
Of what I really am!

Iruka and ANBU Guys: It's not like you to say sorry!  
I was waiting on a different story!  
This time I'm mistaken,  
For handing you a heart worth breaking,

Iruka: And I've been wrong, I've been down,  
Been to the bottom of every bottle…  
These five words in my head,  
Scream 'Are we having fun yet?'

Iruka and ANBU Guys: Yet, yet, yet, no, no!  
Yet, yet, yet, no, no!  
Yet, yet, yet, no, no!  
Yet, yet, yet, no, no!

Iruka: Never made it as a wise man…  
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing.  
And this is how you remind me…  
This is how you remind me…  
This is how you remind me,

Of what I really am!  
This is how you remind me,  
Of what I really am!

Iruka and ANBU Guys: It's not like you to say sorry!  
I was waiting on a different story!  
This time I'm mistaken,

Iruka: For handing you a heart worth breaking,  
And I've been wrong, I've been down,  
Been to the bottom of every bottle…  
These five words in my head,  
Scream 'Are we having fun yet?!'

ANBU Guys: Yet, yet…  
Iruka: Are we having fun yet?

ANBU Guys: Yet, yet…  
Iruka: Are we having fun yet?

ANBU Guys: Yet, yet…  
Iruka: Are we having fun yet?

ANBU Guys: Yet, yet…

Iruka: No, no…

Gai: WWWWWHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Fades

Meanwhile

"… Wake up, Lee."

"Don' wanna…"

Gaara blinked. " 'Don'… wanna'?"

"Five more minutes, Gai-Sensei…"

"No… Now." Gaara shook him slightly.

"Bu-…"

"I'm bored."

"…"

Gaara frowned. Fine, if Lee wanted to be a lazy ass, then he'd get him up the easy way. He paused momentarily as his gaze washed over the green spandex the other wore, getting a strange idea. A hand slowly snaked out, touching the covered skin just above the boy's stomach and began to lightly stroke it, enjoying the feeling of the odd fabric.

Lee made a strange face as he arched slightly… then turned over and went into a deeper sleep.

"…" This only made Gaara even more determined. If he wanted to wake someone up, he _would _wake them up. This time, he gently turned the boy over to his backside so he could straddle him, sitting on the other with the same expressionless mask he always seemed to have. He cupped Lee's face and began to stroke it, occasionally brushing back some of the ebony strands. It was strange… he'd never really felt this way before, nor had this kind of thought ever crossed his mind. Kakashi always said molesting people was fun… so was it?

Then a hand drifted behind him to brush lightly against the slight bulge in Lee's suit, pressing down upon it until he could feel the warmth crawl up his digits.

"EHH?!" Lee immediately opened his eyes, gasping as he attempted to sit up, but instead fell back down due to that Gaara was sitting on his chest.

"About time you got up," the sand ninja scowled.

Lee shivered as he tried to shake off the strange feeling in his lower areas. "Wh-what is going on? Where are we? What are you doing?"

"Molesting you."

"… Wha?" Lee's eyes widened considerably.

"Isn't that what you call this?" Gaara touched the same spot he had earlier, causing Lee to yelp in surprise as he struggled not to arch against the Kazekage's strokes.

"Ah… er… w-well…" the taijutsu specialist bit his bottom lip, trying not to shiver. "I… I would not know. Gai-Sensei only schooled me in the art of the shinobi ways. You would have to ask… Kakashi-Sensei about that."

"Oh, all right…" grunted the other before he flipped off of Lee, allowing him to stand up. "Come on, it's a bit late to be staying in bed."

"Ah… okay…" Lee brushed off the feeling of whatever it was that was overpowering him and followed Gaara out.

Meanwhile

The two emerged from the room only to find that all hell had broken loose.

"NO!!! GET IT AWAY!!! KANKURO!!! DO SOMETHING!!!" Temari was screaming, pressed up against the wall as a figure glared down at her.

"I'M NOT DOING THIS!!!" he wailed.

Kankuro's puppet was… moving of its own volition.

"Kankuro… if this is some sort of joke…" Gaara blinked at his older brother.

"NO!!! IT JUST STARTED MOVING ON ITS OWN!!!"

"Great… oh, well. Bye, Temari." The puppet leaned towards her…

"NOOOO!!!!!" she shielded her face with her arms.

"Why are you so scared of me?" Even Gaara's eyes widened slightly. Karasu was… pouting, "I'm not gonna hurt you."

Temari fainted.

"M-MUSHROOMS!!!!" Shikamaru shot up from his spot on the floor, clutching his precious bag of mushrooms to his chest, eyes gleaming with paranoia, before passing out on the floor.

"I'm looking for some… brains," the puppet gazed at them expectantly. Everyone took a step back, "Do you know where there are any brains I could use?"

"W-what do you need brains for?" Sakura shook uncontrollably.

Sasuke rolled his eyes. _No one here has any brains…_

??? … Here I go… Sigh… Oh, by the way, we know that Karasu really means 'crow,' but we couldn't pass up the opportunity to use this song - Author 2

Karasu: I could wile away the hours,

Conferring with the flowers,  
Consulting with the rain…  
And my head I'd be scratching,  
While my thoughts were busy hatching,  
If I only had a brain!

Gaara: … It's tone-deaf…

Kankuro: This isn't my fault!

Karasu: I'd unravel any riddle,  
For any individual,  
In trouble or in pain!  
With the thoughts I'd be thinking,  
I could be another Lincoln,  
If I only had a brain!

Hinata: W-who is Lincoln?

Karasu: Oh, I would tell you why,  
The ocean's near the shore!  
I could think of things I never thunk before,

And then I'd sit and think some more!

Kiba: 'Thunk?'

Kankuro: Oh, Gods…

Karasu: I would not be just a nothing,  
My head all full of stuffing,  
My heart all full of pain…

Tenten: … It has a heart?

Kankuro: NO!!!

Karasu: I would dance and be merry!  
Life would be a ding-a-derry,  
If I only had a- Oof!

The puppet suddenly crumples, lifeless, as Itachi trips over Shikamaru. Everyone stares at him.

End

"… So…" Kankuro hissed softly, "So…"

"… What?" Itachi feigned ignorance.

"Nice try, but we aren't that stupid," Temari glared at him from her spot on the floor.

Sasuke stared at his brother for a moment, then… "You're fucked up, you know that?"

"… I was bored," he shrugged.

"So was I," commented Gaara. Lee went rather pale, "… but playing with dolls, Uchiha?"

"What was that, desert rat?!" Itachi snarled.

"… I hate you…" Sasuke spoke abruptly.

Itachi whirled around to glare at him, "I beg your pardon?"

"You heard me."

"And why is that?"

Side of a Bullet

Sasuke: ANBU ranks taught him to aim-  
Maybe a little too well!  
Finger on the handle, well-aimed kunai!  
He hit the stage so full of rage,  
And let the whole world know it.  
Six feet away, they heard him say,  
"Oh Gods, don't let him throw it!"Sasuke: Please Gods, don't let him throw it!  
How could you put us through it?  
I know, I watched you do it!Sasuke: How could you take his life away?

ANBU Members: What makes you think you have the right?  
How could you be so full of hate?

ANBU Members: To take away somebody's life!  
Sasuke: And when I heard you let him die,  
And made the world all wonder why.  
I sat at home and on my own,  
I cried alone,  
And scratched your name-   
On the side of a kunai!

Tenten: … The ANBU are back again.

Sasuke: And in the wake of his mistake,  
So many lives are broken.  
Gone forever from a well-aimed kunai!  
And no excuse that you could use-  
Could pull somebody through it.  
And to this day so many say,  
"Gods, why'd you let him do it?"Sasuke: How could you let him do it?  
How could you put us through it?  
I know, I watched him do it!Sasuke: How could you take his life away?

ANBU Members: What makes you think you had the right?  
Sasuke: How could you be so full of hate?

ANBU Members: To take away somebody's life!  
Sasuke: And when I heard you let him die,  
And made the world-  
all wonder why.  
I sat at home and cried alone,  
and on my own,  
I scratched your name-   
On the side of a kunai!Sasuke: On the side of a kunai!  
On the side of a kunai!

Ooh… yeah…

End

"… Oh, I never knew you felt that way," Itachi said sarcastically, rolling his eyes a bit.

Sasuke glared. "Shut up. Not only did you slaughter our whole clan, you lost my favorite bicycle!"

All of the characters stared, including Itachi.

"That was years ago, Sasuke. Plus, Mom said you had outgrown it."

"LIAR!!"

"… Fine, I'm sorry I lost your bike."

"… What?" Everyone said simultaneously. Sasuke glared at him, unconvinced.

"I'm sorry I lost your bike."

"…… Did he just say what I think he said?" Kakashi mused as he pulled Iruka back into his lap, finding it funny that the other didn't bother to protest.

"Probably," Iruka shrugged. It seemed to be an on-going theme for the chuunin.

The Apology Song

Itachi: I'm really sorry, Sasuke,  
But your bicycle's gone away.  
I was watching it for you,  
Till you came back at nightfall.  
Guess I didn't do such a good job after all.

Itachi: I was feeling really sorry, Sasuke,  
And I searched for your bike all day,  
And everybody's saying,  
That you'll take the news gracefully…  
Somehow I don't think I'll be getting off that easily.

Itachi and ANBU Members: I meant her no harm,  
When I left her unlocked,  
Outside the Konoha Food Farm.  
I was just running in…  
Didn't think I'd be that long.  
I came out; she was gone,  
And all that was there was some bored old dog,  
Leashed up to the place where your bicycle had been.  
Itachi: Guess we'll never see poor Bikie-bike again.

Itachi: Let this be consolation, brother,  
That while you were out with our Mother,  
I treated her with care and respect,  
And gave her lots of love,  
And I was usually pretty good 'bout locking her up.

Itachi and ANBU Members: Where has she gone?  
Well, I bet she's on the bottom of an old town pond,  
Rudely abused on some hescher's joyride.  
Itachi: So I wrote you this song,  
In the hopes that you'd forgive me,  
Even though it was wrong,  
Being so careless with a thing so great,  
Itachi: And taking your poor Bikie-bike away… away… away… Oh…

End

"… That's a really crappy-sounding name for a bike," Naruto frowned. "Who would name their bike, 'Bikie-bike'?"

Sasuke lunged at Naruto with a murderous gleam in his eyes, "DON'T MAKE FUN OF BIKIE-BIKE!!"

Iruka sweat-dropped. "That… is a bit odd. Mine's name was just plain old, 'bike'."

"Mine was, 'Daisy'," smiled Sakura.

Kakashi grinned. "Mine was, "Super-Ultra-Soaped-Up-Pervert -Bob'!"

Everyone stared.

"That's almost as dumb as 'Bikie-bike,'" said Tenten slowly, and predictably, Sasuke attempted to strangle her.

After a few moments of Sasuke throttling anyone who tried to bring up the subject, the ninja had calmed down enough to say, "It was a good bicycle."

"I'm sure it was," grumbled Naruto with a scowl. "My bike's name was, 'Ramen-mobile.'"

"_That's_ stupid, Naruto," retorted the raven-haired outcast. "… I always rode my bike everywhere."

Bicycle Song

Sasuke and ANBU Members: Bicycle! Bicycle! Bicycle!  
Sasuke: I want to ride my-

Sasuke and ANBU Members: Bicycle! Bicycle! Bicycle!

Sasuke: I want to ride my bicycle!  
I want to ride my bike!  
I want to ride my bicycle!  
I want to ride it where I like!

Sasuke: You say black; I say white!  
You say bark; I say bite!  
You say shark; I say hey, man…  
Jaws was never my scene and I don't like Star Wars!  
You say Rolls; I say Royce!  
You say Gods; give me a choice!  
You say Lord; I say Christ!  
I don't believe in Peter Pan, Frankenstein, or Superman!  
All I wanna do is…

Sasuke and ANBU Members: Bicycle! Bicycle! Bicycle!   
Sasuke: I want to ride my-

Sasuke and ANBU Members: Bicycle! Bicycle! Bicycle!

Sasuke: I want to ride my bicycle!  
I want to ride my bike!  
I want to ride my bicycle!  
I want to ride my-!

Sasuke and ANBU Members: Bicycle races are coming your way!  
So forget all your duties, oh, yeah!  
Fat bottomed girls, they'll be riding today!  
So look out for those beauties, oh, yeah!

Sakura: …… You're into fat-bottomed women? Should I make mine bigger?

Jiraiya: Oh, a soul-mate!!

Itachi: … Back off, Toady.

Sasuke: On your marks! Get set! Go!  
Bicycle race! Bicycle race! Bicycle race!  
Bicycle! Bicycle! Bicycle! I want to ride my bicycle!  
Bicycle! Bicycle! Bicycle!  
Bicycle race!

Sasuke: You say coke; I say 'caine!  
You say John; I say Wayne!  
Hot dog, I say cool it, man! I don't wanna be the President of America!  
You say smile; I say cheese!  
Cartier, I say please!   
Income tax, I say Jesus!  
I don't wanna be a candidate for Vietnam or Watergate,  
'Cause all I want to do is…

Sasuke and ANBU Members: Bicycle! Bicycle! Bicycle!  
Sasuke: I want to ride my-

Sasuke and ANBU Members: Bicycle! Bicycle! Bicycle!

Sasuke: I want to ride my bicycle!  
I want to ride my bike!  
I want to ride my bicycle!  
I want to ride it where I like!

End

"Ok, that was great and all, but now I feel like singing," said Kakashi as soon as Sasuke had finished. "I need to sing a love song."

Iruka immediately flushed. "Kakashi, that's not really necessary, is it?"

"Of course it is." The jonin stroked his lover's chest soothingly. "Plus, I have an announcement to make!"

"… What is it now?" Itachi growled, his brows furrowing.

"I would like to announce that I love Iruka, and he is mine. No one else can have him. If anyone does so much as to touch my Iruka in any way or manner, I will personally castrate them! And if you don't have anything to castrate, then I'll slice off whatever I see first!" A star appeared in Kakashi's one visible eye, much like it did when he was about to perform the 'One-Thousand Years of Death' technique.

"Well, _that_ was a _real_ surprise," Tsunade commented dryly, "Who'd have guessed?"

Kakashi blinked coldly at her, "Whatever… You're just jealous because he's mine!"

"WHAT?!" the Hokage snarled at him in outrage.

"Anyway… a song for you, my dear…"

"… Yay…"

I'll Never Stop

Kakashi stands up and takes off his jonin vest, leaving his black tank top on… and he also takes off his pants to reveal black leather ones. Out of his shuriken pouch comes not his book, but a set of black shades, which he puts on with a purr. Iruka blinks.

Kakashi: I'll…  
I'll never stop!

Kakashi: I don't know,  
Do you believe me,  
After all the said and done?  
All the lies,  
How I regret them, baby, now.  
I am the loser,  
And you're shining like the sun!  
Tell me why can't I still be the one?  
All right...

Kakashi: I will never stop until you're mine!  
I can wait forever till the end of time!  
'Cause my heart is in your hands.  
Don't you understand?  
I'll never stop!

Kakashi: I'll never stop!

Kakashi: How could I ever, when my heart is in your hands?  
And I know, baby, there is no turning back.  
You say that I'm crazy, and I kind of understand.  
How I wish for this nightmare to end! Oh, yes!

Kakashi: I will never stop until you're mine!  
I can wait forever till the end of time!  
'Cause my heart is in your hands.  
Don't you understand;  
I'll never stop!

Kakashi: I'll never stop!

Kakashi: Ooh...  
Do you believe me,  
When my heart is in your hands?  
Don't you understand?  
I'll never stop!

Kakashi: I will never stop!

ANBU Members: Ooh!  
Till the end of time…

Kakashi: I can wait forever!  
ANBU Members: Heart is in your hands!

Kakashi: My heart is in your hands!

Kakashi and ANBU Members: I'll never stop until you're mine!  
I can wait forever till the end of time!  
'Cause my heart is in your hands.  
Don't you understand?  
I'll never stop!

Kakashi: I'll never stop!

End

After the jonin had finished, Kakashi walked back over to Iruka and knelt in front of him, placing a hand on one side of the academy-teacher's face before pulling down the mask that covered his own. He leaned forward and kissed the chuunin, dominating him easily as the other's eyes grew a bit wide, but they didn't remain large for long as Iruka subconsciously began to stroke the silver locks.

All of the others watched in amazement.

"… Iruka's not complaining?" blinked Sakura as she gazed onward. Naruto nodded in agreement.

Jiraiya smirked. "Maybe he's finally accepted Kakashi's love for him."

The chuunin pulled away to let out a sigh, "Arigatou, Kakashi. That was a very nice… song thing."

"You're quite welcome," grinned the pervert before leaning forward to nip at the man's nose scar. "Now it's your turn."

"… You're kidding, right?" Iruka sweat-dropped before pulling back farther. "Wh-what are you wanting me to sing?"

The jonin shrugged. "Well, I would like to… um... I guess you could sing… you can sing whatever you want. I just, well…"

"…?"

"… Sing whatever you'd like."

"In other words, you want me to tell you how I really feel, right?"

"…"

"Geesh, you're so weird, Kakashi." Iruka shook his head with a smile before patting the other's cheek.

Far Away

Iruka sighs as he walks to the middle of the circle, looking a bit nervous as everyone stares at him dumbly. A sweat-drop forms on the side of his face. "… Do you all have to stare at me that way?" There was silence… "… Fine." Kakashi looks on hopefully as Iruka clears his throat.

Iruka: This time, this place.

Misused, mistakes.

Too long, too late.

Who was I to make you wait?

Just one chance, just one breath,

Just in case this just one left.

'Cause you know, you know, you know…

Iruka: I'll love you…

I have loved you all along.

And I miss you…

Been far away for far too long.

I keep dreaming you'll be with me,

And you'll never go.

Stop breathing if-

I don't see you anymore…

Iruka: On my knees, I'll ask.

Last chance for one last dance,

'Cause with you, I'd withstand,

All of hell to hold your hand.

I'd give it all.

I'd give for us,

Give anything, but I won't give up.

'Cause you know, you know, you know…

Iruka: I'll love you…

I have loved you all along.

And I miss you…

Been far away for far too long.

I keep dreaming you'll be with me,

And you'll never go.

Stop breathing if-

I don't see you anymore…

Iruka: So far away… (So far away…)

Been far away for far too long.

So far away… (So far away…)

Been far away for far too long.

But you know, you know, you know…

Iruka: I wanted-

I wanted you to stay.

'Cause I needed-

I need to hear you say-

Kakashi: That I love you.

I have loved you all along.

And I forgive you,

For being away for far too long.

So keep breathing,

'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore…

Believe it,

Hold on to me and never let me go.

Keep breathing,

'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore…

Believe it,

Hold on to me and never let me go. (Keep breathing…)

Hold on to me and never let me go. (Keep breathing…)

Kakashi and Iruka: Hold on to me and never let me go…

End

At first, Iruka and Kakashi just stood there, staring at each other. Kakashi blinked, and then as if it had just hit him, he lunged at the chuunin and tackled him to the ground with a squeak of happiness. Covering the other's face with kisses, he seemed to purr like a kitten.

"YOU REALLY DO LOVE MEEE!!" the man squealed, nuzzling the side of Iruka's cheek. He seemed to be in absolute bliss at the moment.

The brunette sighed before stroking the silver locks that tickled his face. "How could I not? You're always… well, you were there for me after… after Mizuki devastated my life. You gave it back to me. I got my life back…"

"Awww…" cooed someone from the circle, and both of the nuzzling ninja turned to see Itachi glaring at them. "That's so cute that it makes me want to puke."

Lee snorted. "It is not wise to trifle with love."

"… What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Itachi stared on boredly.

"It means what it means."

"… I hate you. You make no sense. You talk like words missing randomly kind of this."

"…" Lee stared. "What did you say? I could not understand."

"That proves my point. You're stupid."

"Watch your mouth," grunted Gaara from behind the criminal, a hand on the other's neck as if to crush it. "Another word like that and you die. Understand?"

"You think it's that simple, huh?" snickered the raven-haired man, Sharingan snapping into place.

Gaara made no reaction. "You need to turn around to use your Sharingan. By then, I will have already killed you. Don't bother wasting your time."

The room went awfully cold.

Lee coughed. "I think I should go train for a while. My skills are getting a bit rusty, if you know what I mean."

"… What exactly do you do for training, Lee?" asked Sakura, quirking a brow.

"Well, now that you ask, I would be more than happy to show you!"

"… What do you mean, show us?" Kisame blinked. Lee grinned.

Kung Fu Fighting

The leaf ninja stands on one foot, extending his arms out and letting his hands hang loosely. The air fills with a strange voice singing, "Oh-ho-ho!" At this point, Gai comes out of the kitchen.

Lee: Everybody was kung fu fighting!

Gai and Tenten: Hi-yah!  
Lee: Those cats were fast as lightning!  
In fact it was a little bit frightening,  
But they fought with expert timing!

Lee: They were funky China men from funky Chinatown!  
They were chopping them up and they were chopping them down!  
It is an ancient Chinese art and everybody knew their part,  
From a feint into a slip, and kicking from the hip!

Lee: Everybody was kung fu fighting!

Gai and Tenten: Hi-yah!  
Lee: Those cats were fast as lightning!  
In fact it was a little bit frightening,  
But they fought with expert timing!

Lee: There was funky Billy Chin and little Sammy Chung!  
He said, 'Here comes the big boss, let us get it on!'  
We took a bow and made a stand, started swinging with the hand!  
The sudden motion made me skip; now we are into a brand new trip!

Gaara walks over to Kakashi as the rest listen to Lee do Kung Fu moves and such.

Gaara: Kakashi, I need to talk to you.

Kakashi: … What for?

Gaara: Just come on… They leave to the kitchen.

Lee: Everybody was kung fu fighting!

Gai and Tenten: Hi-yah!  
Lee: Those cats were fast as lightning!  
In fact it was a little bit frightening,  
But they did it with expert timing!

Lee: ..Make sure you have expert timing!  
Kung fu fighting had to be fast as lightning!

End

Meanwhile

"… All right. What do you want?" Kakashi frowned at the young Kazekage.

"… I want to know how to molest people." Gaara's face was quite blank.

"You want to… you want to…" Kakashi attempted to stifle his laughter, but failed miserably.

Gaara blinked slowly, "Is it so amusing?"

"Haha… ha… yes!" the copy ninja chuckled. "Shouldn't someone else have told you about this sort of thing already?" Gaara blinked at him again. "Ah… no, I suppose no one would have told you…" Kakashi shut his eyes in thought, then spoke again, "For Lee, right?" Blink… "Hmmm…"

The jonin paced about the kitchen for a minute, then faced Gaara once more with a wicked grin on his features. "Okay, here's what you do…"

Gaara's face barely changed, save for a profound widening of his jade eyes. It was as much expression as Kakashi had ever seen him make.

Meanwhile

"… Gaara-san left?" Lee's eyes began to wibble.

"N-now Lee…" Tenten patted his back in an attempt to comfort him. "He went with Kakashi to the kitchen. I'm sure he'll be right back."

"B-b-but… he did not hear the r-rest of my soooooong!!!" The taijutsu specialist burst into tears, wailing at the ceiling.

"… Oh bother," the female next to him sighed. "Gai-Sensei, he's doing it again."

"Uh…" Gai blinked. "Uh… Lee!"

"S-senseeeeiiii!!!" sobbed his protégée.

"… Why is he crying?" Gaara inquired. Kakashi walked by him to sit next to Iruka once more, snickering to himself dirtily.

"WWWWWHHHHHHAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

"… You can see the resemblance…" Shino commented.

"Yep, just like Gai," snorted Itachi.

Gaara strode over to Itachi and spoke quite coldly, "Do you _want_ to die?"

"No, not particularly… and what did I do this time?"

"… You looked at me the wrong way," the Kazekage retorted, then went to stand away from the others, his face set in stone.

"I know, Lee!" Gai boomed, "I'll sing a manly song to cheer you up!"

Iruka went white, "NO! STOP HIM!!!"

Gaara's eyes flickered.

The Lumberjack Song

Gai: I never wanted to be a ninja! I wanted to be… a lumberjack!

Everyone: …?

Gai: Leaping from tree to tree, as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia. The Giant Redwood. The Larch. The Fir! The mighty Scots Pine! The lofty flowering Cherry! The plucky little Apsen! The limping Roo tree of Nigeria. The towering Wattle of Aldershot! The Maidenhead Weeping Water Plant! The naughty Leicestershire Flashing Oak! The flatulent Elm of West Ruislip! The Quercus Maximus Bamber Gascoigni! The Epigillus! The Barter Hughius Greenus!

Gai: With my best buddy by my side, we'd sing! Sing! Sing…

Gai: I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay!  
I sleep all night. I work all day!

Itachi: … Seriously… What the hell is wrong with you people?!

Kiba: It's not like you're any better…

ANBU Members: He's a lumberjack, and he's okay!

He sleeps all night and he works all day!

Gai: I cut down trees. I eat my lunch!  
I go to the lavatory!  
On Wednesdays I go shopping,  
And have buttered scones for tea!

ANBU Members: He cuts down trees. He eats his lunch!  
He goes to the lavatory!  
On Wednesdays he goes shopping,  
And has buttered scones for tea!

Gai and ANBU Members: I'm (He's) a lumberjack, and I'm (he's) okay!  
I (He) sleep(s) all night and I (he) work(s) all day!

Gaara: Pokes Lee Follow me.

Lee: Sob sob O-okay.

Gai: I cut down trees. I skip and jump!  
I like to press wild flowers!  
I put on women's clothing,  
And hang around in bars!

ANBU Members: He cuts down trees. He skips and jumps!  
He likes to press wild flowers!  
He puts on women's clothing,  
And hangs around in …bars?!

Gai and ANBU Members: I'm (He's) a lumberjack, and I'm (he's) okay!  
I (He) sleep(s) all night and I (he) work(s) all day!

Gai: I cut down trees. I wear high heels,  
Suspenders, and a bra!  
I wish I'd been a girlie,  
Just like my dear Mama!

Kakashi: Ooh… I have an idea…

Iruka: … Don't even think about it…

Kakashi: Too late!

ANBU Members: He cuts down trees. He wears high heels,  
Suspenders, and …a …bra?!

Gai and ANBU Members: I'm (He's) a lumberjack, and I'm (he's) okay!  
I (He) sleep(s) all night and I (he) work(s) all day!

Gai and ANBU Members: Yes, I'm (He's) a lumberjack, and I'm (he's) ok-a-y!  
… I (He) sleep(s) all night and I (he) work(s) all day!

End

"Well, Lee! Feeling better?" Gai looked about for a moment, "… Lee?"

Kakashi snickered again.

"… Uh… Gai…" Temari frowned, "Gaara's gone, too…"

"NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Heheheheh…" Kakashi had to bury his face in his hands.

Iruka looked at him, puzzled, "What's so funny?"

"Hahaha… I'll tell you… later… HAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

"WWWWWHHHHHAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"

"Ugh…" Tenten rolled her eyes, "It's always one or the other…"

Meanwhile

(Again, for those of you that have queasy stomachs, here is the abridged version of the following scene:

"… Sand."

"Eh?!"

"Death to your suit."

"EH?!"

"… Ah…"

"… ARGLE BARGLE!! SQUIRT!!"

"…? That's… odd."

Here's the real version … Uh… 'Squirt,' Author 1?… Aren't you overdoing it? – Author 2

As soon as Gaara closed the door behind Lee, he had the leaf ninja pinned to the wall, a feral look in his eyes that the other was not used to seeing.

"G-Gaara-san?" he gulped, tilting his head to the side to avoid the strange look he was being given. It was almost as if the Kazekage was in predator mode…

He paled as he felt a warm breath descend to his ear, capturing his attention and ensnaring him effectively, "Lee… I must apologize for what I'm about to do, but you seem to be in need of attention… you helped me once, and now it's time to return the favor."

Lee shivered. "Uhm… wh-what is it that you have in mind?"

Gaara did not answer, and the leaf ninja squeaked as he was suddenly raised by the other's sand, being held- or more like having his wrists and ankles welded- to the wall. His eyes were wide as he found his torso at Gaara's eye level, and he couldn't help but squirm just a little bit. "G-Gaara-san?!"

"You told me earlier to ask Kakashi about molesting people," replied the red-haired shinobi coolly, as if nothing was unusual, "so I did. This is what he told me to do."

The Kazekage pulled out a kunai knife that Kakashi had given to him and began to make a long cut in Lee's suit, starting at the cuff at his wrist and slowly running it up the length of the arm, making sure that he didn't scratch the other's skin. He continued down the side of Lee's torso, although he was forced to stop when he came to the headband that the taijutsu specialist wore around his waist. It didn't bother him much, though, for he simply undid it with his free hand and let it fall to the floor with a dull clank.

Lee wiggled about as Gaara began to stroke his exposed chest. "Tha-that feels… it feels…"

"Yes…?" The other blinked as he continued to cut down Lee's thigh and leg.

"I-it feels… different… gahh…" He couldn't help but arch as the young Kazekage mirrored the same cut on the other side of Lee's body. Soon, Gaara was able to yank the suit off entirely and reveal the boy's splendid form, the boxers being the only article of clothing left upon him.

"…" At first, Gaara seemed to wonder how to get them off, for his eyes narrowed as he plucked at the material with his middle and forefinger. Then, as if he had never stopped at all, he quickly slashed them away as well, "Sorry about that, but we can have someone buy you new ones later. It was the only way I could get them off without letting you down."

Lee flushed horribly as he watched the sand ninja's gaze drift to his twitching erection. "I… I…"

"Shhh…" It seemed as if Gaara was smiling. "It will feel… good, if that's what you call it."

A hand caressed the inner thigh, idly raking its nails across the skin before drifting up and cupping one of Lee's hips, soon doing the other side in the same manner. Then a tongue flicked out to tease the tip of the naked member, tasting the leaking fluids that began to seep out.

"AHH!!" Lee moaned in content as he immediately arched and writhed at the other's touches, attempting to free himself from captivity, "Gaara-s-san!! I-it… t-that…!!"

All the other would utter was a grunt as his hands drifted down the backs of the Konohagakure resident's legs, making the boy cry out and thrust into Gaara's unexpecting mouth. The sand ninja blinked as his mouth was filled, and he kind of stood there with a blank expression, not knowing quite what to do at first. Kakashi had only said to 'tease him a bit with the tongue,' not completely engulf the other student. Oh well, nothing could be done about that now.

_Great… now what did he say to do? Something about… ah… what was it… ah… oh, damn it. Something about the tongue, something about the… the… ah…_ Gaara found that he couldn't quite remember, so instead he just began to suck on it, letting his tongue run up and down the sides of Lee's swollen shaft and occasionally dashing across the slit, making the one above him twitch and buck, moaning in pleasure.

Lee's face was severely flushed, as if it never had been the peachy tone it possessed on normal occasions, "G-G-Gaaraaaa… It… it is… I… I c-cannot… s-s-something… something is…." He continued to writhe desperately at the other's continuous sucking, feeling a waxing sensation building up in his abdomen. "P-please… it… I can f-feel it…"

_Right… so when he says that… I'm supposed to… ah… was it 'go harder' or 'push harder' or something… ah… damn it… _It would have been easier if Kakashi had talked to him normally without having all of the snickering fits in the middle of his explanation. It was especially hard to follow someone when they were laughing half the time. So, he just began to suck harder, and to his utter surprise, some strange liquid shot into his mouth as Lee emitted an impassioned scream, bucking a final time as he came prematurely and let it all out.

Gaara tried not to choke or sputter on it as he attempted to swallow whatever had been ejected into his mouth, jade eyes blinking quite a number of times as he released Lee's aching shaft from his hold. "What… what was that stuff?"

"Haa… haa… ugh… I… I do not… do not know," gasped the ninja above him as he slid down, the sand returning to the Kazekage's gourd. Gaara caught him as he fell, "I… it felt… so nice…"

The other watched as he tried to regain his breath, "… It tasted weird…"

"Uhhh…" Lee wasn't able to say anything coherent, so instead, Gaara merely scooped the bare ninja up, nuzzling the side of his neck before carrying him to the bed, removing his robes and slipping under the covers with his leaf shinobi.

Neither of them said anything for a few moments. Lee snuggled up against the Kazekage, still gasping for breath.

"… You all right?"

"H-hai… I-I am fine…"

"… Are you... sure? Did… I hurt you at all?"

"N-no… no, I am not in… in any pain. I feel… it feels like a dream… some dream that I have had before."

"… A dream that you've had before?"

"S-something like that…"

Lee said no more as his breath finally returned to normal and his eyes drooped, coming to a close while he drifted into a deep slumber. Gaara watched on in wonder, pondering how he had ever come to… to be with such a wonderful person… Maybe… just maybe, life was starting to look up for him.

You are… weird, Author 1…-Author 2. Heh… he-heh… hur hurrrr…. –Author 1. Back in the main room…

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" Kakashi had been laughing uncontrollably for some time now.

"Kakashi, shut the hell up!" Tsunade smacked the back of his head.

"Ha… haha…" the copy ninja smirked, "Hey, Gai! Can I borrow some of your clothes?"

"NO!" Iruka snapped.

Gai blinked at Kakashi amid his tears, "I-I was j-joking…"

"Awwww…."

"So, anyway, what should we-"

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"

Kakashi fell into another fit of laughter as Gai's eyes widened in horror. "LEE!!! HE'S KILLING LEE!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!" The man sprinted to the door and twisted the knob fiercely, only to find the it locked (and reinforced with sand on the other side), "NOOOOO!!!!!!"

Kakashi collapsed, convulsing with hysterical mirth, unable to even make a sound. He writhed about the floor, his face twisted with glee as he had a silent laughing fit.

"KAKASHI!!!!" Gai turned to snarl at his rival, "HOW _DARE_ YOU LAUGH!!!!"

Kakashi tried to speak, but only managed to flail one of his arms about.

"What's so funny?!" Tenten wailed, stricken.

"He's… he's… haha… they're…" but the jonin couldn't do it. He began rocking back and forth on the floor, holding his sides.

Kankuro blinked slowly, "… He's not…"

Kakashi nodded fervently, tears of delight falling from his eyes. Kankuro grinned evilly.

"Well, well… It took them long enough… heheh…" Temari looked rather queasy.

"What… what are you… t-talking about?" Gai stared at him.

"HAHAHAHA-mmff!!! Hmmhmm!!" Kakashi shoved his hand in his mouth to stifle his laughter.

Gai's face made a very strange series of rapid transformations, "… You… you didn't… when you and Gaara… _what did you tell him?!_ _WHAT IS HE DOING TO MY BOY?!_"

"Oh, don't worry, Gai!" Kakashi gasped, "Gaara won't be _tooooo_ cruel to Lee! HAHAHAHA!!!"

"AAAAHHHH!!!" Gai wailed, "NO!!! DOOR!! OPEN!!!!!"

Itachi snickered nastily, "The odd thing is that he didn't see this coming."

"Agreed," Tsunade rolled her eyes.

"WWWWWWWHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!"

Some time later

Gai wept quietly, hopelessly, in front of the door.

"You're too overprotective, Gai!" Jiraiya chuckled, "This was inevitable."

"Y-yes… but with… _him_?!"

"Watch it, freak!" Temari glared at the jonin.

"No, seriously, Gai, this sort of thing would have happened sooner or later."

"S-shut up," Gai sobbed.

"Oh, come on! You should just be glad his first time wasn't with some 80-year old woman!"

Itachi stared at the sannin, "… How did you even _come up_ with that example?"

"It's my job!" Jiraiya grinned, "I write the 'Icha Icha Paradise' series!"

"Awesome books," Kakashi nodded solemnly.

"… I flipped through one of those books out of curiosity once…" Iruka shuddered. "They're horrible!"

"Heeyy!"

"You know," Gai growled, "Shockingly, this isn't cheering me up."

"I know!" Jiraiya smirked evilly, "I'll sing for you!"

"NNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

My Humps

Jiraiya: What you gonna do with all that junk?  
All that junk inside your trunk?  
I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,  
Get you love drunk off my hump.  
ANBU Chicks: My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,  
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps (Check it out)

Gai: … You… sick…

Jiraiya: I drive these brothers crazy,  
I do it on the daily,  
They treat me really nicely,  
They buy me all these-AAAAARRRRRGGG!!!

Tsunade and Gai simultaneously lay the pervert flat.

End

Meanwhile

For those of you with uneasy stomachs, here is the abridged version of the following scene:

"Kabuto, stop moving so much!"

"I-it hurts, milord…"

"Then hold still!"

"AGHH!!"

"… Sorry about that."

"Whine…"

Here's the real version

"Kabuto, stop moving so much!" Orochimaru hissed as he pounded again into his servant.

The only response was a whimper. "But… but it hurts, milord…"

"Then hold still and wait for it to die down!" snapped the sannin as Kabuto whimpered again. He wondered why he was doing this with the other man anyway. Well… at least it was better than Anko… or- Orochimaru shuddered- Jiraiya…

"L-Lord Orochimaru… gah… AGHH!!" Kabuto grasped his lord's shoulders for support, gasping as he came all over the other's stomach. His eyes were slightly wide.

The snake-commander blinked as he pulled out, looking a bit flustered. "Eh… sorry about that."

"Whine…"

End of Abridged Scene

The two emerged from their room soon after, both of them blinking as everyone else stared.

"What are you looking at?" Orochimaru glared at Iruka, who seemed to be gazing towards Kabuto.

The chuunin frowned. "I was thinking about asking Kabuto to do something for me."

"Uh…" the medic tied his headband on tighter, "what do you need?"

Iruka got up from the floor and walked over to the other man, dragging him aside so that he could ask him in private. "You know how to perform a sleeping jutsu, right?"

"Yeah…" Kabuto blinked. "Why?"

"…" At first, Iruka seemed to cast his gaze over to Kakashi before returning to hiss, "I need you to perform your Nirvana Temple Jutsu on Kakashi."

"… On Kakashi?" The sannin's servant followed the chuunin's gaze back over to the blissfully unaware jonin, who seemed to be asking Gai something. The rival seemed to not really care, as he was still sobbing lightly against the door. "Uh… sure. May I ask why…?"

"Revenge."

Kabuto stared. "R-Revenge?"

"Exactly."

"O-ok, if that's what you want…" the silver-haired genin got up and walked over to the jabbering Kakashi, making a few hand signs before whispering in the man's ear, "Nirvana Temple Jutsu!"

"Eh…?" Kakashi immediately yawned before slumping against Kabuto's front and falling into a deep slumber, unaware of his brunette's plans. The medic then stood and nodded to Iruka, who came over and scooped up the drowsy jonin.

"Thanks." There was a malevolent grin plastered to the face that normally was in a state of panic or frustration, giving the chuunin's orbs a glimmer of… perhaps it was… perversion…?

Kabuto frowned as the chuunin strode off with Kakashi, "… Why do I get the feeling I just helped him do something very evil…?"

Orochimaru was smirking at the unconscious Jiraiya, "Laid him out again, eh, Tsunade?"

"He was being a pervert… again." To everyone's surprise, Orochimaru shuddered in distaste.

"I would have helped you knock him out if I'd been around."

Tsunade snorted, "I did have help; from Gai over there." She gestured at the miserable jonin moaning on the floor.

"What happened to him?" Kabuto adjusted his glasses.

"He's upset because… well, you'll see soon enough, I suppose…" an odd glint flickered across her face.

"Ugh…" Orochimaru grimaced, staring back down at Jiraiya, "This is bringing back some rather unpleasant memories."

"Really? It makes me think about money."

The other sannin rolled his yellow orbs, "You're always thinking about money."

"Well… yes, I am."

Tenten blinked, "Neji's been gone for a long time…"

"Hey, what day of the week is it, Sakura?" Naruto inquired, "Being stuck in this building has screwed up my… uh… time-sense."

"… Time… sense?" Sakura glared at him, "You dork… It's Friday."

"F-Friday?!" Tsunade's eyes widened, "I'm missing payday!"

"Oh, great," Orochimaru growled.

"-And I love payday! Love money… gambling… stuff…"

Just Got Paid

Orochimaru: Sad… It's been years and yet she hasn't changed at all…

Tsunade and ANBU Chicks: Thank god it's Friday night, and I ju- ju- ju- ju- just got paid!

ANBU Chicks: Getting money, money, money, money, money!  
Getting money, money, money, money, money!  
Getting money, money, money, money, money!  
Getting money, money, money, money, money!

Tsunade: Yeah... Oh!

Tsunade and ANBU Chicks: Just got paid, Friday night!  
Party hopping, feeling right!  
Booties shaking all around! Pump the jam, while I'm getting down!

Naruto: Did the Hokage just say what I think she said?

Everyone: …

Tsunade: Check the mirror, looking fly!  
Round up the posse, jump in my ride!  
Radio rocking hottest jam, feel the rhythm, pump up the sound!  
Feeling so good!

Tsunade and ANBU Chicks: Don't you know just grooving to the beat!  
Tsunade: Grooving yeah, grooving oh oh oh oh!

Tsunade and ANBU Chicks: Just got paid, Friday night!  
Party hopping, feeling right!  
Booties shaking all around! Pump that jam, while I'm getting down!

ANBU Chicks: Yo, people say my solo was impossible but when I get up on that mic I am!  
Unstoppable and it's probable when you hear voices laid down!  
You'll be bopping your head to this ill tight sound!  
You never thought you have me plaid (paid)!  
Check is in the mail I got it made (made)!  
When you notice my smile it like Kool-aid 'cause I just got paid!

Tsunade: On the phone, rocking to the beat… all ways sure look sweet!  
Fine gentleman standing by, come on baby, sweet eye delight!  
ANBU Chicks: I love the way that you move!

Tsunade and ANBU Chicks: Say you look so sweet when you're moving to the beat!  
Tsunade: I'm tired of all of these boring parties, baby, why don't we get on down,

Let's get on down!  
Tsunade and ANBU Chicks: Let's get on down!

Everyone: …

Tsunade and ANBU Chicks: Just got paid, Friday night!  
Party hopping, feeling right!

Booties shaking all around! Pump that jam, while I'm getting down!

Tsunade: Say ho!

ANBU Chicks: Say ho!  
Tsunade: Say ho ho!

ANBU Chicks: Say ho ho!  
Tsunade: Say ho ho ho!

ANBU Chicks: Say ho hooooh!

Tsunade and ANBU Chicks: Just got paid, Friday night!  
Party hopping, feeling right!  
Booties shaking all around! Pump that jam, while I'm getting down!  
Just got paid, Friday night!  
Party hopping, feeling right!  
Booties shaking all around! Pump that jam, while I'm getting down!  
I'm getting down (down, yeah)!  
Tsunade: Ah, I'm broke!

End… Ugh…

Meanwhile

I'll write the abridged version, since Author 1 forgot to… -Author 2

Poke

"Wha? … NNNOOOOO!!!"

"Heheheh… Look at this…"

"NNNOOOOOO!!!!"

"MUHAHAHAHA!!!"

"ARGLE BARGLE!!!!"

Um… Yeah… yeah… heh…

"A THOUSAND YEARS OF DEATH!!"

"EAGGHH!!"

Kakashi's eyes snapped open, large and intense as he searched around for what had just promptly poked him in the butt. And to his utter horror…

He, the great Copy Ninja Kakashi Hatake, was tied fast to the headboard with a very smug-looking Iruka lingering over him with the hungriest look in his eyes that he'd ever seen, one that Kakashi wouldn't soon forget.

"I-Iruka! What a pleasure to see you!" The jonin gave off a sheepish smile.

The brunette seemed to ignore it, for the look in his eyes only grew as he climbed off of the other and walked into the bathroom. He seemed to be looking for something that he needed, and it was only a few minutes before he returned with a bottle of some strange substance and a well-made vibrator… It was already covered with the jelly from the bottle, and the way it covered the plastic made it look like a strange sort of candy.

The prisoner's eyes widened considerably at the sight of the familiar object, "W-wait, Iruka! Uh… wait! W-wait! Can't we just talk about this for a second?"

"Sure," smiled the chuunin sweetly as he then sat on the bed. "What do you want to talk about?"

All the man could muster was a pleading whimper, "Irukaaa… this isn't fair!"

"Not fair, huh? Hmm, let me think for a moment. Was it exactly fair when you left me covered in pudding for two hours? Was it fair when you started spraying me with whipped cream? Or how about the gummi worms? That was fair to you? I sit and wait, cold and horny, while you go and use the bathroom and stuff your face? You call that fair? HUH?!"

"B-but, please… this is…"

"Kakashi, I told you that I was going to have my revenge. The time has come…" The chuunin grinned in an almost maniacal manner, his pupils shrinking to mere slits. "You're going to feel the torture you cast upon me!"

"I-Iruka, wait!"

"Just consider this… the moment where we bind ourselves together for eternity. After this, you won't be able to leave me alone ever again!"

Kakashi whimpered as Iruka drew closer, knowing that whatever was going to come would most likely be a very long session of torture and suffering. Under normal circumstances, he would have performed an escape jutsu, but Iruka had been devious enough to tie one of his hands to one side of the headboard, and the other to the opposite side, keeping him from doing any jutsus what so ever.

Then he felt the plastic toy slip into his twitching entrance, holding back a groan as it slid in without any pain. The other made sure to push it in until it touched that one spot that made Kakashi thrash; his prostate, his sweet spot. Only then did he turn it on.

"Gahh… gahh-haa!!" gasped the jonin, twisting in an attempt to free himself from the object that began to heat his insides. He recognized the type of lubricant Iruka had used, and only then did he pale as he remembered its properties. It was the kind that retained body heat extremely well… "Haaaa… haaa…"

"Now," smirked the chuunin as he began to stroke Kakashi right above his swelling erection, tracing the rock-hard abs with his fingers, "this is the part where we sit and wait."

"GAAAHHH!!" The scream echoed throughout the building.

Meanwhile

Tsunade blinked as she turned to look at the silver-haired jonin's door. "That sounded like Kakashi…"

"Heheh…" Kabuto paled a bit. "Well… I'd say he's about to get a taste of his own medicine."

Everyone made some sort of face or another.

"You… almost feel bad for him…" Kankuro smirked.

"… Almost." Temari nodded.

Meanwhile

_Gaara was facing off against Rock Lee, his sand swirling about him. Lee was doomed. The demon within Gaara had managed to gain a slight amount of control over him at the scent of the other's blood, and now it desired the boy's death at that very moment more than anything else in the world._

_Gaara's face twisted into an evil, hungry visage of murderous intent, a half-crazed grin flashing across his features. Lee's large eyes widened in horror as he watched sand crumble away from the desert ninja's body. Everyone in the room could feel the sheer blood lust radiating from him._

_Gaara caught sight of the proctor for a moment: Hayate was his name. His eyes were calculating, trying to decide if he should stop the fight or not to protect the clearly out-matched taijutsu specialist._

_But he's dead… Gaara thought absently, … He's dead, and Shukaku is gone from me… and I won this fight over two years ago…_

Gaara's eyes shot open. He would not have been particularly upset, but for the fact that he remembered the outcome of that battle. He hadn't just defeated Lee; He had crushed him, and enjoyed every moment of it.

"Damn it!" he hissed.

Lee stirred in his sleep beside him. The Kazekage suppressed a shudder and forced himself to lie back down.

Meanwhile

"Look!" Tenten pointed across the room, "Isn't that…"

"The proctor?!" All of the young ninja who had been in the chuunin exams stared at Hayate.

End of Part 3! YEAH!!! WE'RE ON FIRE!!!! – Author 2


	4. Part 4

"What's up? cough cough," Hayate nodded to them.

"Hey!" Ibiki blinked, "You're dead!"

"Yep…"

"Did Gaara use the stone again?" Sakura frowned.

Everyone stared at the door that led into the Kazekage's lair.

"Well, while I'm here… Cough what's going on?"

"Not much," Sasuke shrugged, "We're stuck here, so we're trying to amuse ourselves."

"Amusement, huh? Like what? Cough."

Naruto sighed, "You know, singing and stuff."

"Hmmm… Can I try?"

"… NO!" Itachi snapped. "NO MORE SONGS!!"

"Be respectful of the dead, Uchiha," Shino gazed at the criminal behind his dark lenses for a moment, then turned back to Hayate, "Do what you like."

"Cough Cool…"

??? GO, AUTHOR 1!!! – Author 2

Hayate: I'm too sexy for my love, too sexy for my love!  
Love's going to leave me!

I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt!  
So sexy it hurts! Cough

Hayate begins to remove his shirt.

Jiraiya: Hey! That's my song!

Tsunade and Orochimaru: Smack!

Hayate: And I'm too sexy for Milan, too sexy for Milan,  
New York and Japan!  
And I'm too sexy for your party, Too sexy for Cough party!  
No way I'm disco dancing!

Hayate: I'm a model if you know what I mean,  
And I do my little turn on the catwalk!  
Yeah, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, Cough!  
I do my little turn on the catwalk!

Hayate: I'm too sexy for my car, too sexy for my car!  
Too sexy by far!  
And I'm too sexy for my hat, too sexy for my Hack!

What do you think about that? Cough

Hayate: I'm a model if you know what I mean,  
And I do my little turn on the catwalk!  
Yeah, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah!  
I shake my little touche Cough on the catwalk!

Sakura: … His what?

Hayate: I'm too sexy for my too sexy for my too sexy for my…Cough Cough

Hayate: I'm a model if you know what I mean,  
And I do my little turn on the catwalk!  
Yeah, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, Hack!  
I shake my little touche on the catwalk!

Hayate: I'm too sexy for my cat, too sexy for my cat!  
Poor pussy, poor pussy cat! Cough  
I'm too sexy for my love, too sexy for my love!  
Love's going to leave me!

Hayate: And I'm too sexy for this so- Cough Cough Hack Cough!

Hayate bursts into a coughing fit, as he has taken off his shirt.

End

Meanwhile

Here's the revised version!

"Iwuka, pwease!"

"Nope!"

"Sob sob"

"Muhahaha…"

Here's the real version

"Haa… haaaa… I-Iruka, p-please…" Kakashi groaned as he regained his breath after releasing for the second time, flushing madly as Iruka just watched him do so. "I… It's driving me insane… please…"

"Please what, Kakashi?" cooed the chuunin as he rested his elbow on the desk and watched the other writhe. He seemed to be highly entertained by the other's torturous moans and squirms.

"Can't you just… gahhh… just take me already? We've been doing this for the last half hour… and it's becoming… so hard to keep it in…"

"Then don't keep it in."

"B-but it… ahh… AHH!" Another wave of white-hot pleasure shot through the jonin's body as he spilled onto the bed for the third time. He thought his endurance was tougher than this… but maybe he was wrong. The lubricant was working fast on him, and the way that the plastic vibrator rubbed against his throbbing prostate… sure wasn't helping at all.

Iruka watched as Kakashi's eyes rolled into the back of his head again before smirking and finally taking an ounce of pity on him. He stood up and crawled onto the bed, nestling himself between the copy ninja's legs and taking the tip of his erected member into his mouth, letting his tongue rub gently against the tip. This only made the older man groan, bucking up against the chuunin before his hips were forced back down into the mattress. Letting out another lust-filled moan, Kakashi had no choice but to be led by the other's movements. He let himself be rocked gently, groaning as he member was bobbed up and down inside Iruka's moist cavern, occasionally hitting the back of his throat and making him purr in delight. The noise only made the ninja thrash harder, nearly coming free of his bonds until he felt himself drench the chuunin's mouth with his cum.

He couldn't believe it. He'd come at least four times within the last forty-five minutes… and the sad thing was that Iruka wasn't even done yet…

Meanwhile

"Um…" Kiba looked somewhat concerned, "Are you all right?"

"Must… sing… one… last… song…" Hayate gasped amid his hacking.

"Then sing already!" Choji snapped.

Unwell

Hayate: All day Cough… staring at the ceiling,  
Making friends with shadows on my wall.  
All night… hearing voices telling me,  
That I should get some sleep,  
Because tomorrow might be good for Cough Cough.  
Hold on! I'm feeling like I'm headed for,  
A breakdown, and I don't know why!

Hayate: But I'm not crazy; I'm just a little unwell!  
I know, right now you can't Cough,  
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see…  
A different side of me!  
I'm not crazy; I'm just a little impaired!  
I know, right now you don't care…  
But soon enough, you're gonna think of me,  
And how I used to Cough…

Itachi: … How he used to cough?

Sasuke: Don't ask.

Hayate: Me… talking to myself in public,  
Dodging glances on the Cough.  
I know… I know they've all been talking 'bout me.  
I can hear them whisper,  
And it makes me think there must be something wrong, Cough  
With me… Out of all the hours thinking,  
Somehow, I've lost my mind!

Hayate: But I'm not crazy; I'm just a little unwell!  
I know, Cough right now you can't tell!  
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see…  
A different side of me!  
I'm not crazy; I'm just a little impaired!  
I know, right now you don't care…  
But soon enough you're gonna think of me,  
And how I used to beeeeee! COUGH COUGH HACK

Several ANBU members appear with a stretcher.

Hayate: I've been talking in my sleep!  
Pretty soon they'll come to get me!

Hayate is put on a stretcher and carried away by several ANBU members…

Hayate: Yeah, they're taking me awaaaayy- Cough

Fades

"That was… sad…" Hinata whispered. Kisame sniffed.

"Pansy…" Itachi muttered.

Meanwhile

_Gaara stood before Sasuke now… not quite knowing what to expect. Lee, despite being beaten to a pulp, had managed to break through his defenses, and Gaara had not seen Sasuke's moves, for the Uchiha boy had not used much to win his fight in the preliminaries._

_Gaara could feel many eyes upon him, and he glanced about in mild boredom…_

_And caught sight of the Kazekage, standing next to Sarutobi._

_Something inside him that was wholly unconnected to Shukaku roared in his ears, a fiery wrath he'd always felt whenever he caught sight of the man who'd sired him. It was a rage that he could only barely contain._

_Hate, hate, HATE!!! He screamed the word inside his head, over and over._

_Sarutobi halted his conversation with the man to gaze down at him, and Gaara was struck by the look in the Hokage's face. He had never seen anyone look at him that way before. He blinked, caught off-guard._

_The man's face was not filled with fear, or anger, or even trepidation. It was gentler, and Gaara didn't like it. It wasn't normal, nor was it something he could recognize or understand._

_He turned back to Sasuke, who had the same eager light in his eyes that Lee had shown him right before Gaara had ground him into the dust._

_Lee…_

Gaara sat up again, his face unusually expressive. His anger radiated from him, burning in his eyes.

"… Damn… it…" he growled again, "…Won't …stop…"

Why was he thinking these things? It made no sense.

"Hmm… Gaara-san?" Lee muttered faintly. "Wha-?"

"Dream," he replied. Not a dream… a memory… he winced, then fell back into an uneasy sleep.

Meanwhile

"Well, at least Hayate's go-" but Kiba stopped, his eyes wide as he stared at the window, or rather, the figure looking out the window next to Shikamaru.

"S-Sarutobi-sama?!"

The Third Hokage turned about, "… Hello."

Meanwhile

Here's the revised version…

"Muhahaha…"

"Whimper "

Memory Lane! Yay!!!

"Yay!"

"Sob "

Here's the real version…

"You'd best be ready for this, Hatake Kakashi," purred Iruka as he lubed up his own erection, poising it at the other's entrance. Of course, the brunette chuunin had removed the vibrator, as he had been satisfied by the number of times Kakashi had given in to it.

The jonin whined. "Please… I need this… I don't care anymore, just bind me! Bind me to you and let me go to sleeeeeep…."

"Keep that up and I'll stick the vibrator in for another half hour," smirked the other.

"NOOO!!!"

"Ok, then shut up and hold still."

Kakashi whimpered as the shaft penetrated his opening, and he couldn't help but wiggle a little bit to help settle the chuunin in. He'd thought he couldn't feel any more bliss than he'd already had with his experiences at this place… But when he looked up to find the other grinning down on him like a Cheshire Cat, his heart skipped a beat and he knew he definitely was in love with the brunette, even more so than when they had first met. That memory was still fresh in his mind…

"… _Hatake Kakashi?" Iruka raised a brow at the Hokage when he looked up from the list of jonin. "Isn't he the one who's always late?"_

"_Who's always late?" he chirped from behind Iruka, blinking his one lazy eye as he stared over the chuunin's shoulder._

"_GAHH!!" His sudden appearance had definitely startled the brunette. "W-what the hell?! Where did you come from?"_

_Kakashi pointed to the window. "There. A black cat blocked the door, so I couldn't come in that way… I might have gotten cursed with bad luck."_

"……" _The chuunin turned back to the Hokage with a sweat-drop. "You can't be serious. This can't be the man I've heard about! This guy's a… he's a total…"_

"_He's one of the most skilled jonin, and is the son of the White Fang," replied the old man at the desk. "You have heard of the legendary Sharingan Copy Ninja, right, Iruka?"_

"_But this can't be him! Not Hatake Kakashi!!" retorted the other with a flush, and the jonin behind him stared at the man for the longest time, instantly falling in love. The way the chuunin blushed when he said his name sent him head over heels into bliss…_

Iruka pounded into him once, groaning as he became accustomed to the jonin's heat. "Gods, Kakashi… you're tighter than I thought."

"I… saved my virginity for you, l-love…" gasped the man beneath him. "I knew one day I would have you…"

"… Gods damn it, I hate it when you're right…"

"_WHY ARE YOU STALKING ME?!" Iruka whirled around and glared at the copy ninja that had followed him around for the past few hours._

"_I'm not stalking you, Master Iruka," smiled the other under his mask. "I'm just making sure you don't walk under a ladder or run into a black cat."_

"_Phhhhfft!!" Iruka spat on the ground before turning around again and heading back down the path he was walking on, attempting to lose the other within the complex town. He randomly turned different directions, occasionally dashing up the sides of buildings and running along the rooftops in a pathetic attempt to outrun the one behind him._

"_Yo." Kakashi appeared in front of him, nearly making Iruka run into him._

"_AGHHH!!!" Iruka came to an abrupt halt, wobbling a bit as to regain his balance… and failed. He careened off the side of the building and was about to fall to his death until a hand caught his flailing wrist, pulling him back up and causing the chuunin to cling to the silver-haired ninja's body._

"_Haa… haa…" The chuunin's eyes were terribly wide as he shuddered, trying to overcome the sudden heart attack when he noticed he was in the jonin's arms. He looked up, blinking as he tried to say something, but instead, the other leaned down and kissed him gently through his mask in a passionate way that left Iruka stunned._

"_That's all I need for thanks," purred the copy ninja into his ear before letting him go and vanishing on the spot._

"……_." Iruka stared at the spot where the other man had previously been standing. "….. ARGGGG!!! KAKASHI!!!!!"_

Now he was with his brunette, becoming one and the same. After this night, he would be fully bound to the other male and never let go…

"Gah!" Iruka gasped as he pushed in for a fifth time, building the pace steadily as he felt the end coming near.

"Iru…" The jonin groaned and panted as he finally was able to free one of his hands, letting it snake forward to cup the brunette's face and stroke it in rhythm that they had set. "Gods, Iruka… I love you…"

"I…" A gasp sounded from the other again as he pulled out again, "I… I love you too, Kakashi… Ahhh…"

Then Kakashi could hold on no longer, spilling on top of the chuunin's stomach and crying out his lover's name in the most lust-filled scream he'd ever made.

Feeling the muscles tighten around his erection, Iruka fell over the edge of bliss as well and released into his lover, crying out at the pleasuring sensation that overwhelmed his brain, casting it into overdrive mode. He tried to keep up the tempo for as long as he could, but he eventually slowed down and slumped upon the other's chest, gasping for air.

"Gahh…"

"_So…" Kakashi had dragged the unwilling chuunin out to dinner, and they sat at the Ichiraku, side by side, "have you seen Naruto lately?"_

"_Noooo," grumbled Iruka as he dragged out his line. "I haven't been able to between teaching the next year's crop and trying to run from you."_

"_Aww, well, that's just too bad," the jonin grinned under his mask. "He'll miss seeing you all the time now."_

_Iruka slurped up the last of his ramen before turning to cast a suspicious glare at the copy ninja. "What is that supposed to mean?"_

"_It means you can come and live with me!" invited the other with a bright smile._

"_WHAT?!?"_

It was done… they were now as one, once and forever… never would they be separated again.

Meanwhile. I'm getting tired of saying this…- Author 1. Then use a different word! - Author 2

"What are you all doing?" Sarutobi beamed at them.

"Uh…" Tsunade stared at her old mentor.

Orochimaru seemed to have vanished with Kabuto as soon as the Hokage had appeared.

"… Why did Gaara call _you_ up?" Kankuro frowned.

"Oh, he's dreaming!" Sarutobi replied cheerfully. Gai whimpered.

"Hey, Teach! What's up!" Jiraiya smiled lopsidedly, still feeling the effects of the many punches and slaps he'd recently received.

"Well, not much. You see, one doesn't get to do much when they're dead…" Sarutobi sighed.

"???"

"Are you singing songs?"

Itachi went very pale, "NO! NO, WE ARE NOT SINGING!!"

Sarutobi gazed at him, grinning insanely, "Well, you should be! I'll start us off with a song about being dead!"

"NNNNOOOOOO!!!!!!" wailed the older Uchiha sibling.

Dead

Sarutobi and ANBU Members: I returned a bag of groceries,  
Accidentally taken off the shelf,  
Before the expiration date.  
I came back as a bag of groceries,  
Accidentally taken off the shelf,  
Before the date stamped on myself.

Tsunade: Well, he hasn't changed much…

Sarutobi: Did a large procession wave their,  
Torches as my head fell in the basket,  
And was everybody dancing on the casket?

Now it's over; I'm dead and I haven't done anything that I want,  
Sarutobi and ANBU Members: Or, I'm still alive and there's nothing I want to do!

Sarutobi and ANBU Members: I will never say the word,  
'Procrastinate' again; I'll never,  
See myself in the mirror with my eyes closed.  
Sarutobi: I didn't apologize for,  
When I was eight and I made my younger brother,  
Have to be my personal slave!

Sarutobi: Did a large procession wave their,  
Torches as my head fell in the basket,  
And was everybody dancing on the casket?

Now it's over; I'm dead and I haven't done anything that I want,  
Sarutobi and ANBU Members: Or, I'm still alive and there's nothing I want to do!

Sarutobi: So I won't… sit at home… anymore,  
And you won't… see my head in the window,  
And I won't… be around… ever anymore,  
And I'll be up there on the wall at the store!

Sarutobi and ANBU Members: I returned a bag of groceries,  
Accidentally taken off the shelf,  
Before the expiration date.  
I came back as a bag of groceries,  
Accidentally taken off the shelf,  
Before the date stamped on myself.

Sarutobi: Did a large procession wave their-  
Torches as my head fell in the basket,  
And was everybody dancing on the casket?

Now it's over; I'm dead and I haven't done anything that I want,

Sarutobi and ANBU Members: Or, I'm still alive and there's nothing I want to do!

Sarutobi: Now it's over; I'm dead and I haven't done anything that I want,

Sarutobi and ANBU Members: Or, I'm still alive and there's nothing I want to do!

End

Meanwhile

"Ah, my lord… how long are we going to stay in this closet?"

"Until the others kill each other off!"

"Oh… okay…???"

Meanwhile

Ebisu stirred from his spot on the floor, "… Stupid Sound genin…"

He stood, and caught sight of Sarutobi… a strange light came to his face.

"Y-you!!!"

"Oh, hello!" the Hokage smiled patronizingly at him.

"YOU… YOU LEFT ME WITH THAT CREEP OF A GRANDSON, YOU MONSTER!!!!" Ebisu snarled. The others stared at him. "AND I'VE HAD TO TAKE CARE OF ALL HIS BRATTY FRIENDS, TOO!!! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH SINCE YOU DIED?!"

??? … Uh… yeah… I don't know what we were thinking when we put in this song… - Author 2

To EVERYONE'S horror, country music starts up…

Ebisu: OH, yeah!

Lost my job, came home mad!  
Got a pat on the back and, "That's too bad!"  
You said, "You can go play dead until you find another job!"  
I thought 'I like the sound of that!  
Watch TV and take long naps!  
Go from a hard-working man to being Mr. Mom!'

Ebisu and ANBU Members: Well,  
Pampers melt in a Maytag dryer!  
Crayons go up one drawer higher!  
Rewind Barney for the fifteenth time!  
Ebisu: Breakfast at six, naps at nine!  
Ebisu and ANBU Members: There's bubble gum in the baby's hair,  
Sweet potatoes in my lazy chair!  
Ebisu: Been crazy all day long!

Ebisu and ANBU Members: And it's only Monday,  
Mr. Mom!

Shino: … Mr.… Mom?

Kiba: That is seriously screwed up…

Hinata: I feel bad for him…

Ebisu: Football, soccer, and ballet!  
Squeeze in Scouts and PTA,  
And there's that shopping list you left,  
That's seven pages long!  
Ebisu and ANBU Members: How much smoke can one stove make?  
Ebisu: The kids won't eat my charcoal cake!  
It's more than any maid can take,  
Ebisu and ANBU Members: Being Mr. Mom!

Ebisu and ANBU Members: Well,  
Pampers melt in a Maytag dryer!  
Crayons go up one drawer higher!  
Rewind Barney for the sixteenth time!  
Ebisu: Breakfast at six, naps at nine!  
Ebisu and ANBU Members: There's bubble gum in the baby's hair,  
Sweet potatoes in my lazy chair!  
Ebisu: Been crazy all day long!

Ebisu and ANBU Members: And it's only Monday,  
Mr.… Mom!

Ebisu: Before I fall in bed tonight,  
If the dog didn't eat the classifieds,  
I'm gonna look just-

Ebisu and ANBU Members: One more time!

Ebisu: 'Cause,  
Pampers melt in a Maytag dryer!  
Crayons go up one drawer higher!  
Rewind Barney for the eighteenth time!  
Breakfast at six, naps at nine!  
Ebisu and ANBU Members: There's bubble gum in the baby's hair,  
Sweet potatoes in my lazy chair!  
Ebitsu: Been crazy all day long! Oh!

Been crazy all day long!

Ebisu and ANBU Members: And it's only Monday,  
Mr. Mom!

Ebisu: Oh, Mr. Mom!

Ebisu and ANBU Members: Balancing checkbooks, juggling bills!  
Ebisu: Thought there was nothing to it!  
Ebisu and ANBU Members: Iruka, now I know how you feel!  
Ebisu: What I don't know is-

Ebisu and ANBU Members: How you do it!

Ebisu: OH!

Ebisu: Hokage, I sure hate you!

End

Sarutobi smiled happily, "Oh! Where _is_ Konohamaru?" Ebisu went white.

"Uh… sleeping," Sakura lied.

"… So Gaara is dreaming up people?" Temari asked the Third Hokage.

"Hai!" the old man nodded, "To be honest, I think the stone is trying to get him to bring forth a malevolent spirit. It does have a… consciousness of sorts."

Naruto scratched his head, "Male-eevall-int?"

"If the user of the stone brings forth a malevolent spirit," Itachi explained, "Then that spirit will slaughter all those within its reach, then disappear. That's why it was placed down here. It's also why you have to be careful with the stone."

"Whoah!" Choji cried, "You mean that the user and everyone around him will be killed?!"

"Well… Hai," Sarutobi shrugged.

"And _Mr. Popular_ has it?!"

"Gaara, y… yyeess…" Temari replied impatiently, but her voice faded away in sudden realization.

"…" Everyone stared at one another, save for Shikamaru, who had passed out, and Sarutobi, who had vanished.

"… We've gotta get in that room!!!" Naruto cried.

Meanwhile

Kabuto winced as Orochimaru stood on his foot, "My lord, can't we hide elsewhere?"

"NO!"

"… Why not?"

"Sarutobi's out there!"

"Oh…"

A moment of silence followed before…

"Phhh, My dord, dat's my dose you're groping."

"Oh, sorry."

"Blaahroph, phaat's meh mouph!"

"…. Sorry."

Again, silence followed.

"… Would you mind loosening your grip on my throat, Lord Orochimaru?"

"… It's kind of hard to see with all these clothes in the way… Kabuto! Guide my hand!"

"… Uh… yes, my lord… Where to?"

"Sigh"

"… I was joking…"

Meanwhile

"Door… still… won't…" The others had been attacking the door for some time, but it would not open.

"I guess all we can do is wait…" Shino frowned.

The others shuddered.

Kankuro turned about in frustration and walked towards the window, then stopped with a horrified cry.

"… AAAHH! TOO LATE!!!"

The group turned about, weapons drawn and hands ready. Temari dropped her fan in shock.

"I-it… it can't be!!"

"Where is Gaara?!" the figure hissed.

Meanwhile

_Gaara walked down the streets of Sunagakure, holding his stuffed bear close. He could feel the eyes of the villagers following him, eyes filled with fear and hate and mistrust._

_The pressure of their collective hatred pushed down upon his small body. He wanted to scream, but it would only make things worse._

_He walked straight into his uncle, "Careful, Gaara!"_

"… _Sorry."_

"_Watch where you're going next time, okay?"_

"_I was… distracted."_

"_Oh? By what?" Yashamaru lifted his eyebrows._

"_Their eyes."_

"… _What?"_

"… _Everyone hates me…"_

"_I don't hate you…" his uncle gazed at him, his expression unfathomable._

"_You're not 'everyone'," the six-year old shrugged._

…

"_Why?! Why did you do it?!" Gaara wept, desperate for an answer. The only one he'd ever trusted had betrayed him… The dying assassin replied without a moment's hesitation._

"_Because I hate you, Gaara… You killed my sister, whom I loved."_

But… that wasn't my fault… 

Gaara's eyes shot open once more. He was soaked in sweat, gasping slightly.

"… Yashamaru," Gaara muttered, "You…"

"Gaara-san?" Lee looked up at him sleepily, "What are you doing?"

"Ah…" the Kazekage frowned, "…" he looked down at his clenched hands, and it was only then that he noticed something very unpleasant.

He was holding… the stone… his jade eyes widened.

"Yashamaru…" he whispered harshly, "_Why_ did I have to think about him?!"

"Gaara?" the leaf ninja blinked as the Kazekage stood abruptly and began to throw on his robes, "What's wrong?"

"I think I may have done something very dangerous…" Gaara pulled on his sandals and hooked his gourd back onto his frame, "Wait here."

"???" Lee clearly wanted to follow him, but he no longer had any clothes to wear. "Ah… I will… just… stay here… then."

"Good." Gaara turned and rushed out of the room.

Meanwhile

"RUN AWAY!!!" Kiba snarled, and the group scattered… just as Gaara emerged from his room. His already wide eyes doubled in size, and he vanished back inside with a slam of the door.

"Why couldn't you just die?!" the ghost of Gaara's uncle howled at the spot where his nephew's head had been, "Why didn't you let me kill you?!" The spirit stalked over to the door.

Temari was shivering uncontrollably. Kankuro hesitated, then, "… Uh… long time no see, Uncle Yashamaru…"

The spirit stared at him, "Kankuro? … Help me kill Gaara."

"W-what?!" Kankuro stammered, "No!"

"… Fine, I'll deal with you after I'm done with your brother."

The spirit placed his hands upon the door, and slid through it.

"AAAAAHHHHH!!!!! NOOOOO!!!" Gai shouted, "LEE'S IN THERE!!!!" He threw himself upon the door, "KONOHA HURRICANE!!!!!" He rushed into the room, quickly followed by Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura, Itachi, Tsunade, and Kankuro. The others sprinted to other rooms and hid inside them.

"Muuuuusssssshhhhhrrrrrroooooommmmmmsssss!!!" Shikamaru moaned in his sleep.

In the Room

"Lee!" Gaara hissed, his face even paler than usual, "Hide…"

"What?"

"Now!" Lee hesitated, then wrapped himself in a blanket and shot under the bed.

Gaara awakened his sand, and sealed the leaf ninja away safely, but kept a great deal floating about his form for the inevitable battle.

Yashamaru slipped through the door, and the Kazekage instantly knew that he was going to be killed. If the ghost could walk through doors, it could easily get through his sand.

"Damn…" he whispered.

"I'm going to try again, now…" Yashamaru gazed at him hungrily, "Please don't die _too_ quickly, Gaara… I want to hear you scream, like I heard my sister scream when she died creating you."

The door burst apart, and Gai boomed at the spirit in rage, "You stay away from Lee!"

"… Who is 'Lee'?" the blonde man turned back to his nephew.

"Ah…" the sand ninja backed away.

"Gaara! Move!" Sasuke blasted the murderous ghost with fire as the Kazekage threw himself to the side, but it had no effect.

"You… little…" Yashamaru advanced upon the Uchiha boy, murder in his eyes, when…

"Let… me… in-" Sakura pushed Sasuke aside, and to everyone's shock, the spirit unhinged his mouth like a snake and… ate her.

"HOLY CRAP!!!" Naruto shouted.

Sasuke took the moment he'd been given to rush by the ghost. Gaara was standing to the right of the bed, Sasuke to the left, when…

"What the hell is going on in here?!" The wall blasted to bits to reveal Iruka holding one of his giant shuriken, poised for a death throw as the chuunin brushed the wood chips off his shoulder. He had his clothes on, and a fierce glare burned in his eyes.

"Master Iruka!" Naruto cried out at his old teacher in terror, "There's some bloodthirsty spirit that came out of the stone and it's trying to kill us! HEEELLLLPPP!!"

"W-what?!" The chuunin looked from the blonde kitsune to the man standing in the middle, busy licking his lips in satisfaction, "You mean that guy came out of the stone?!"

"Gaara-san?" came a voice from under the bed. "Is everything all right? Can I come out now?" Yashamaru growled again at his nephew's name and stepped towards the Kazekage menacingly.

"NO!!" Gaara bent down to bang on the sand shield while backing away from his uncle's ghost, and accidentally dropped the stone. It went skidding across the floor.

"MINE!!" snarled the Konoha criminal. He picked it up, eyes gleaming… and another malevolent spirit appeared in the room.

"Itachiiiii…" it wailed, "I thought what we had together was special…"

"ARGGHH!! SHISUI!!" Itachi freaked out at the sight of his old friend and threw the stone at Tsunade, who caught it with a blink.

Then a sack of money appeared.

"MONEY!!" screeched the lady, diving at it, but not before it suddenly vanished. "NOOOO!!!"

The stone went flying again, only to be caught by Gai.

"… Wha?" Gai blinked as a worm appeared in front of him on the floor, "…. AAAAAIIIIEEEE!!"

Yashamaru grinned at Gaara the way the Kazekage himself had once grinned at his victims. His nephew's back had hit the wall, and there was nowhere to run. The ghost grabbed Gaara and hoisted him up, pinning him against the wall.

Iruka caught the stone next, and to his utter horror, in front of him appeared…

"You worthless scum…" hissed the voice of Mizuki, silver eyes flaring as he leaned in towards his former lover, "Look at you! You're nothing but an unwanted fool, damned to be-"

But Iruka wasn't paying attention anymore. His eyes were wide in terror, mouth slightly open as he took a shaky step back. He'd frozen with fear, and no matter how much the others screamed at him to do something with the rock, he wouldn't move.

"You're going to die here, Iruka. Come with me to hell…" Mizuki smiled in a devious manner before leaning forward to devour the chuunin. He seemed unable to move.

"IRUKA!!" Kakashi appeared behind his lover and snatched the rock away, summoning all his strength and creating a massive Chidori that completely shattered the stone when it came in contact with the charged hand, thus making all the spirits howl in wrath and vanish on the spot.

… Everyone was silent. Gaara slumped against the wall, jade orbs glittering.

"Iruka!!" Kakashi dropped the shattered remains of the stone and pulled the trembling man to his body. "Iruka, Iruka! Are you all right?"

"I-It was like it all came back…" stammered the chuunin, eyes still wide in horror, "… All the memories… everything came back to me… h-he was about to kill me… I-it was like another n-nightmare…"

"Shhhh…" cooed the man that held him. "It's all right… Mizuki's gone now… It's all right…" Iruka shivered in Kakashi's arms.

Gaara shook his head hard, looked about sharply for a moment, then let the sand defending Lee slide back into his gourd, "You might want to stay under there…" he muttered shakily.

"Moneeeyyyy…" Tsunade groaned.

"Uh…" Kankuro looked about warily, still near the door, "… Is anyone dead?"

"Sakura's gone," Sasuke shrugged stiffly, unnerved, "I suppose that's another problem taken care of…"

"DUDE!!! That blonde chick just like… _ATE_ her!! DUDE!!!" Naruto shuddered.

Gaara blinked at the leaf ninja, "Blonde… chick? That was my uncle, Naruto…"

Itachi was staring at the spot where Shisui had been, and Gai was whimpering, "Wooorrrmmm… Woooorrrrrmmm…"

"… Can I come out _now_, Gaara-san?" Lee sounded a bit irritated.

"I think you'd regret it…" the Kazekage replied, his eyes flickering with… amusement?

Sasuke snorted, "What, is he naked under there?"

"… Ah…"

Gai looked up at Sasuke's words, "Lee? … Come out here."

"B-but Gai-Sensei, I don't-"

"All of you, get out!" Gai glared at the others. Sasuke, Naruto, and Itachi retreated into the circular room. Kakashi had already carried the hysterical Iruka away and used an earth jutsu to seal the hole in the wall. Kankuro staunchly remained with his brother.

"All right, Lee… come out," Gai ordered again.

"But… Master… I…"

"I already know what I'm going to see, Lee, so just come out."

"… Hold on… what is? …!" There was a sound of cloth shifting about for a few moments, and then Lee crawled out from underneath the bed… wearing a suit that appeared to be identical to the one Gaara had shredded that afternoon.

"… What?" Gai's eyes widened. Gaara blinked, looking slightly relieved.

Kankuro turned to his younger brother in shock, "… You… you didn't do _anything_?! You had him alone for at least_ three hours_ and you didn't do _anything_?!"

"… What do you mean?" Gaara gazed at the puppet-master curiously.

"WHAT?!" Gai snarled at the Kazekage, "Look here, carrot-head!" Gaara stared at him, "I may not like this whole set-up, but if Lee is with you, you're going to make him happy, or I'll crush every bone in your body!!!! I demand that you treat my boy like your most precious possession, or else!!!!"

Kankuro stepped forward, "I'd like to see you _try_ to mess with my brother…" he hissed. The two glared daggers at one another.

Lee looked at Gaara, "What are they talking about?"

"I have no idea…" the sand ninja replied.

"Gaara-san… What happened?" Lee frowned.

"… Can you go fix my door?" Gaara turned to Gai, "You did break it."

"What?" Gai faltered, "Oh! Oh, yes, sure…" He walked to the doorway with Kankuro, who exited while Lee's mentor examined the damage done.

Lee hesitated, "… So what happened?"

"I had a dream about my dead uncle, and he came back through the stone to kill me… I'm not sure about what happened then, but Sakura was… eaten… and the stone was destroyed."

"Your uncle? I did not know you had an uncle."

"He tried to assassinate me when I was six," the Kazekage explained, "and I killed him…"

The leaf ninja stared at him.

"There! Door fixed! Now, then," Gai had returned, "Where was I? Oh, yes… Gaara, you treat my boy right or you'll regret it for the rest of your life!" The man left.

The two watched him leave, puzzled.

"He's… been acting… odd…" Gaara commented.

"… I think we all have," Lee shrugged.

The sand ninja couldn't agree more.

"By the way… how did you replace your clothes?"

Lee snickered, "You would not believe some of the things I found under that bed!"

Gaara blinked, then shrugged and left the room, Lee trailing behind him with a bright smile.

Meanwhile- ile- ile- iley- ileyoo!!! … Yeah… ah… heheh… your turn, Author 1- Author 2

As soon as the trembling chuunin had been placed on the bed, Iruka crawled to a corner and curled up into a nearly perfect ball, shivering the entire time. He was clearly highly disturbed, and the copy ninja sighed gently as he too climbed onto the bed as well, pulling the other towards him and snuggling the scared brunette.

"Are you all right, Iruka?"

All that he received was a whimper.

"…" Kakashi frowned as he let a hand caress and run through the chestnut locks before him, pausing once to undo the hair-tie that kept the strands high in a ponytail. "I understand how you're feeling, Iruka."

The chuunin looked up, blinking away crystalline tears. "Y-you do?"

"Yeah…" The one lazy eye lolled slightly as it swiveled around to connect with that of the brown. "I was in love with someone else, too…"

"R-really? Who was that?"

"Obito."

"?"

"Obito Uchiha, the man that gave me the Sharingan in my left eye."

"O-oh…"

"When he died, I was devastated; broken for what seemed like eternity. The chances of me coming back from the realm in which I was lost in… was highly unlikely."

"Then how did you do it?"

"You remember the time we first met, in the classroom, right?"

"If you're referring to the time when you said, 'Oh, there's a black cat blocking the door', then yes, I remember it clearly."

"Then you should also remember that after I had left, you talked with Sarutobi-san some more, am I correct?"

"Hai…"

"What did you do after you left?"

"I… uh… I think I stopped by to pick up Naruto for a round of ramen."

There was a pause as the older ninja seemed to smile. "All right, what did you do when you left?"

"Well… I went home."

"What did you do at home?"

"… Why would you want to know that?!"

"Were you taking a bath, perchance?"

"Uh… well I… now that I think about it, yes. I did take a bath."

"A bubble bath?"

"Uh-huh…"

"With vanilla and cinnamon scents?"

"Yeah… wait a minute, how the hell do you know all this?!"

The copy ninja chuckled as he purred in response, "I was stalking you. After seeing you blush in front of the Hokage, I felt… different, a feeling I had not felt for some time-"

"YOU WATCHED ME BATHE?!?!"

"Well, yes. It wasn't like I could have stopped myself. I was acting differently than normal. I was curious."

"Then what are you trying to say, Kakashi?"

"You."

"… Excuse me?"

"It was you that brought me back. Every day before the team's training began, I always was late because I went off to visit the monument. You know, the one engraved with all the ninja who fell in battle. I would go there every time and pray for the mission's well being, and to give respect to the man I had once loved. It was the only thing I could do to keep myself from drowning."

"Kakashi…"

"After seeing the smile on your face, it dawned on me what I needed to do. It was like a higher being spoke to me."

"Uh…"

"But… I do wonder, what about you? Weren't you crushed after Mizuki turned on you?"

"Well, yes… but I couldn't show it during the daytime, during the time I taught classes at the academy. It was only when I went home that I… you know… broke down."

"So I heard. What kept you aloft? Was it Naruto?"

"No…"

"Was it the Third Hokage?"

"No…"

"Was it… Icha Icha Paradise?"

"HELL NO!!"

A chuckle sounded. "Then what was it?"

"It was more like… who was it."

"Oh, I see. Then WHO was it?"

"… I hate to admit this, but… it was you. Whenever you showed up in my office, even though I'd get frustrated and distracted, and even the times when you broke into my house, I felt… happier, like I didn't have time to dwell on the past."

"I see."

"… Thanks, Kakashi."

"Mmm?"

"If it wasn't-"

"-for you-"

Both of them said at the same time, "Where would I be?"

Then they both paused, looking at each other as if to answer the question… then both burst out into an amused laughter.

"It seems like we both have a lot to learn about one another," said the jonin, smiling as he poked Iruka, who merely swatted the hand away in a playful gesture.

"It's a shame that you're right for once, Kakashi."

"Hey…"

Later…

A door opened.

"… Ugh… I'm _never _eating _that_ again…" Neji groaned.

Most of the others were sitting in a circle once more. Neji shrugged to himself, then stalked into the kitchen, pointedly avoiding his cousin.

"… No… ramen…" Naruto was curled up in a fetal position on the floor next to Shikamaru, who was attempting to talk to him.

"Duuuuude…"

"No… ramen."

"Whooooaaaa, duuuuuuuude…"

"Beloved… ramen…"

"Whoooooaaaa…"

Itachi stood up and strode over to the two delirious teens, and promptly dumped his steaming tea on their heads.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" the two screamed simultaneously and both writhed about in pain on the floor.

Sasuke snarled in anger, "Knock it the hell off, Itachi!"

"Make me, whore!" the criminal hissed, "You idiots destroyed the object that I have risked my life and lost my sanity for! I'm just venting."

"You moron!" Tsunade growled as she rushed over to heal the two.

"C-clouds?" Shikamaru whimpered as she stood over him.

"Yes, very nice clouds," she soothed as she healed him.

"I'm cooking like a ramen noodle! He's going to eat me!" Naruto cried as he threw himself away from the others.

"Let's just let him die…" Kiba grinned.

Tsunade glared at him for a moment, then stalked over to the cowering Naruto to help him.

"I thought I heard screaming…" Orochimaru appeared, Kabuto trailing behind him, "How many are dead so far?"

"Uh…" Shino frowned, "Well, there was that ANBU guy…"

Choji shuddered, "… And Ino." Neji emerged from the kitchen and sat down next to the door, staring at his plate.

"And the two brats you squished…" Itachi added.

"And Sakura got eaten while you were in your room," Temari smirked.

"Eaten, eh… and that's it? … Damn… I was hoping for more than that…" Orochimaru sighed.

Kabuto fiddled with his glasses as he turned to Gaara, "Do you still have the stone?"

"No."

Orochimaru looked at the Kazekage sharply, "Who has it, then?"

Gaara blinked, "No one."

"What?"

Itachi shot a murderous stare at Gaara before elaborating, "This fool summoned forth a malevolent spirit with the stone, and it ended up shattering! They destroyed it! Damn them! And I'm still stuck with them!!!"

"Is he… talking to us or to himself?" Tenten cocked her head.

"… Don't ask me," Sasuke shrugged, "I don't understand him either."

"Dude, this is boring…" Shikamaru complained, "… and I'm out of mushrooms…"

"I'm kind of bored, too…" Kankuro admitted, "… What should we do?"

Lee was practically jumping up and down next to Gaara, "I know! It has been awhile since someone sang!"

Almost everyone flinched at this.

"… Kankuro."

"Yeah, Gaara?"

"Sing."

Kankuro's eyes widened, "… But… but I'm sick of singing!"

"What are you babbling about?" Naruto, now healed, frowned at him, "You haven't taken a lead role in any of the songs yet!"

Hinata suddenly spoke up, and Neji flinched, "Well… Maybe… Kankuro could… um… do something else along with singing?"

"… What do you mean?" the puppet master asked warily.

"Like… you could act out a song…"

Kankuro went pale, "You can't be serious!"

"I think that is a splendid idea!" Lee grinned.

"Do it, Kankuro…" Gaara gazed at his brother coolly.

"F-fine…" he wailed, "Fine! But I can't do this alone… I need two others."

"GO, GAARA-SAN!!!"

Gaara blinked, "… All right."

"Naruto should do it, too!" Kiba chuckled evilly, "He hasn't done anything for a while!"

"ALL RIGHT!!! LET'S DO IT!!!! BELIEVE IT!!!!!" Naruto shouted.

Gaara looked rather glum, "What do you have in mind?" he asked.

Kankuro hesitated, "… Follow me…" He led the other two into the kitchen. Neji leaned in towards the door, listening. After a few minutes, an odd smirk crept onto the Hyuga ninja's face. Then…

"AAAHHHH!!!! NNOOOOO!! I WON'T DO IT!! … I HATE YOU BOTH!! BELIEVE IT!!"

The two sand shinobi emerged from the kitchen. Gaara seemed somewhat amused, while Kankuro was cackling evilly.

"Temari… Guitar…" Gaara nodded to his sister.

She rolled her eyes, "What song?"

Kankuro leaned over and whispered to her. She snorted, then shrugged and her guitar reappeared…

??? … Oh! I _love_ this song!!! – Author 2

The lights go out, save for a large spot that illuminates the three siblings. Temari begins to play.

Kankuro: This is the greatest and best song in the world…

Everyone???

Kankuro: … Tribute.

Everyone???

Kankuro: A long time ago me and my brother Gaara here,  
We was hitchhiking down a long and lonesome road.  
All of a sudden… there shined a shiny demon… in the middle… of the road.

Naruto appears, covered in sparkles with a towel pinned to his pants for a tail, scowling a little.

Everyone???

Kankuro: And he said:

Naruto: Play the best song in the world, or I'll eat your souls! Believe it!

Sasuke: ………

Kankuro: Well me and Gaara, we looked at each other,  
And we each said:

Kankuro and Gaara: … Okay.  
Kankuro: And we played the first thing that came to our heads,  
Just so happened to be,  
The best song in the world! It was the best song in the world!

Kankuro: Look into my eyes and-

Kankuro and Gaara: It's easy to see,  
One and one make two, two and one makes three!  
It was destiny!  
Kankuro: Once every hundred-

Kankuro and Gaara: Thousand years or so,  
When the sun doth shine and the moon doth glow,  
And the grass doth-

Kankuro: Grow...

Kankuro: Needless to say, the beast was stunned!  
Whip-crack went his whoopy tail…

Naruto wiggles the towel with one hand. Everyone snickers.

Kankuro: And the beast was done!

He asked us:

Naruto: Snort Be you angels?

Kankuro: And we said-

Kankuro and Gaara: Nay… We are but men!  
Gaara: Rock.

Lee: Lee!

Everyone: …

Kankuro and Gaara: Ahh, ahh, ahhh-ah-ah!  
Ohh, whoa, ah-whoa-oh!

Kankuro: This is not the greatest song in the world, no!  
This is just a tribute!  
Couldn't remember the greatest song in the world, no, no!  
Kankuro and Gaara: This is a tribute…

Kankuro: Oh, to the greatest song in the world!  
All right! It was the greatest song in the world!  
All right! It was the best muthafuckin' song, the greatest song in the world!

2-part skat

Kankuro: And the peculiar thing is this, my friends:  
The song we sang on that fateful night,

It didn't actually sound anything like this song!

Kankuro and Gaara: This is just a tribute! You gotta believe it!  
And I wish you were there! It's just a matter of opinion!  
Ah, yeah! Good Gods, Gods loving!  
So surprised to find you can't stop it!

2-part skat

Kankuro: All right! All right!

Suddenly a smoke bomb goes off, and the lights go completely out. Only Naruto, covered in sparkles, can be seen.

End

The lights came back on after a few seconds of total darkness.

"… Where did Gaara-san go?" Lee frowned.

Meanwhile

"Kakashi…"

"What is it, my dear chuunin?"

"Why is the Kazekage at the foot of our bed?"

Both of Kakashi's eyes doubled in size, and he shot his gaze over the bed, only to find that what Iruka had said was true. Gaara was standing there, seeming to be waiting for something.

"W-what are you doing?!" Kakashi stared at him.

Gaara didn't seem to be in a very good mood, "… I… need more advice…" he spoke slowly.

"What is he talking about, Kakashi?" Iruka asked.

The jonin's face went through an odd series of rapid transformations, before it froze into a cruel smirk, "… You need more advice, eh?" Gaara blinked at him. "Well then, you came at just the right time! Iruka dear, we need to demonstrate a few things for the poor deprived leader of Sunagakure!"

Iruka looked confused for a moment… and then he scrambled away from the copy ninja in horror, "NO!! NO!!! NOT IN FRONT OF SOMEONE!!!! I WON'T DO IT!!!!"

Gaara had gone slightly pale, "… That's not quite what I meant…"

"Pwease, Iwuka!"

"NOOO!!!"

"Pwweeeaasse!!!!"

"NNNOOOOOO!!!!"

"Awww…" Kakashi pouted, then turned to Gaara in sudden thought, "Hey! Could you tie Iruka to the headboard with your sand for me?"

"Um… sure…" Gaara made a sweeping gesture, and poor Iruka was welded to the bed. The chuunin whimpered.

"Okay, Gaara! Lesson One: A Thousand Years of Death."

"NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Gaara's eyes widened as Kakashi began 'demonstrating' for him with his prey.

Meanwhile… I feel worse for Gaara than I do for Iruka… heh… - Author 2

Asuma stared at the KHSP in apprehension.

"Do you think we should go in?" he asked Kurenai.

"Uh… no… Let's just… wait for them to come out," the woman replied uneasily.

Both of them were all too aware of the many screams that head been coming out of the building for the past two days, and neither really wanted to add their own voices to the din.

"I'm… bored…"

Kurenai nodded, "Nothing to do…"

"Wait! I've got Uno cards!!!"

"YAY!!! UNO!!!!!!"

The two jonin promptly plopped onto the grassy earth and began to play.

Meanwhile

"This is odd… Where could Gaara have gone?" Temari gazed over the other ninja suspiciously.

Kankuro shrugged nonchalantly, "I'm sure he's all right."

"Ugh… those two have started up _again_," Tsunade rolled her eyes at the door leading to Kakashi and Iruka's room.

"What a surprise…" Neji growled.

Meanwhile

Gaara was sitting with his back against the wall that bordered his own room, his now huge eyes riveted to the two ninja, his face unreadable. He felt mildly ill.

_There is no way in hell I am going to do this…_ he thought to himself faintly. _There is just no way._

The Kazekage suppressed a shudder. "Do I have to do _everything_?"

"Hmm?" The copy ninja blinked as his head swiveled around to stare at the red-haired teen. "Well… no, not everything. I'll tell you what parts you _need_ to do."

"Ah… ah, all right." Gaara shivered a bit.

Meanwhile…

"Well, I guess we should get going to bed…" Tsunade yawned as she stood up, fanning herself a bit. "It's getting dark."

"I cannot go to sleep without Gaara-san!" Lee pouted and turned away sharply to gaze out the window, folding his arms across his chest.

"WHHAAHHH!!" cried Gai as he threw himself on the floor and wormed his way to his room.

"…" Everyone watched as he left, some looking to one another in confusion... but eventually, they all shrugged as if nothing had even happened at all.

Orochimaru yawned and headed for his room as well, brushing his still-braided hair over his shoulder. "Kabuto, go to the kitchen and get me something to eat. I'm going to go get dressed for bed."

Kabuto nodded faithfully, "Yes, milord…" and then began to make his way towards the kitchen, intent on obeying his master.

"Goodnight, you miserable slugs," Orochimaru smiled cruelly at the rest of the group before vanishing into his room.

"That's my line…" Itachi frowned.

Inside the Room

The most evil of the three sannin sighed in relief as he washed his face, letting the water run down his cheeks lightly as he looked into the mirror. It was unfortunate that he didn't notice someone come in the room and lock the door behind him.

Orochimaru continued to hum blissfully, unaware as a very strange and perverted sage snuck up behind him and…

"ARRRG!!" The snake commander bellowed as a pair of arms latched around his waist and squashed him against the mirror, squishing his once-clean face against it. "JIRAIYA!! GET OFF OF ME, YOU PERVERTED FREAK!!"

"Yo, Orochimaru! I was just thinking you needed some male company! You know, we haven't seen each other since we were on Team Saru-"

"DON'T SAY HIS NAME!!!!"

"Wow… you _really_ hate him, don't you?"

"Just… Just get off me!! Get off me right now!!"

The ebony-haired ninja flailed around a bit before he was finally released… but he was then tackled to the opposing wall. Jiraiya beamed down on him, a smirk gracing his lips, "Oh Orochimaru… when will you ever learn?"

"When will YOU ever learn, Jiraiya?!" snarled the other, squirming in the firm hold. "Ugh… I… I just wish you would die! No, better yet, I HOPE you die!! Now!! Die now!!"

He was silenced though as the toad hermit's lips hovered dangerously close to his. "Oh come on, you don't really mean that, do you, old pal?"

I Hope You Die

There was an eerie silence as Orochimaru leaned forward and glared into the green eyes of the sage. "You must die! I alone am best!"

Orochimaru: I hope ya flip some guy the bird.  
He cuts you off and you're forced to swerve,  
In front of The Beatles tour bus,  
A Bookmobile and a Mack truck-  
Hauling hazardous biological waste.  
The light turns red; you have no brakes,  
And "Hard Copy" gets it all on tape,  
So you can see the look on your face!

Snakes: ...Die, die, die, die, die, die, die!  
… Die, die, die, die, die, die, die!

Orochimaru: I hope your Pinto begins to spin,  
Takes out a disabled Vietnam Veteran.  
Mows down a Nobel Peace Prize Winner,  
And maybe some orphans having Christmas dinner.  
Perhaps even the British Royal Family,  
And the Rabbi that's clutching the bottle-fed puppy,  
And we can't forget the newlyweds,  
And those Jerry's Kids are as good as dead.

Orochimaru and Random Sound Ninja: I hope this helps to emphasize…  
I hope this helps to clarify…  
I hope you die!

Orochimaru: I hope your cellmate thinks he's God,  
But C.N.N. refers to him as "Bowling Ball Bag Bob,"  
Serving time again for abuse of a corpse,  
Only this time the victim's a Clydesdale horse.  
While he masturbates to photos of livestock,  
He does the "Silence of the Lambs" dance to Christian Rock.  
Eats feces and quotes from "Deliverance,"  
And fights with his imaginary playmate Vince.

Snakes: Die, die, die, die, die, die, die!  
… Die, die, die, die, die, die, die!

Orochimaru: I hope he grins like Jack Nicholson,  
And forces you to play a game called "Balls On Chin."  
And whatever happens next is all a blur,  
But you remember 'fist' can be a verb.  
And when you finally regain consciousness,  
You're bound and gagged in a wedding dress,  
And the prison guard looks the other way,  
'Cause he's the guy ya flipped the bird the other day.

Orochimaru and Random Sound Ninja: I hope this helps to emphasize…  
I hope this helps to clarify…  
I hope you die!

Orochimaru: ...I hope you DIE!!!

End

After an enormous amount of venting and fuming, Orochimaru looked to the hermit with the most deathly look he could muster… only to find that Jiraiya hadn't been paying attention at all. He was busy smirking as his eyes trailed down the other's half-naked body and seemed to be particularly interested in…

"Wha… wha… WHHHHHAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" The snakes reacted to their master's screams and reared up for an attack, but just at the last second, they were slurped up by Gamabunta, then held in his tongue and beaten against the wall.

"Maaaaaaassssssssssteeeerrr!!" They hissed pitifully between their master's screams. "We faaailllled youuuu!!!!!!"

"YES, YOU DID!!!" howled the commander as his rear end was suddenly groped. "AAAAAAHHH!! KABUTOOOO!!! SAAAAAVVEEE MEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

In the Kitchen

"… Okay… got everything…" Kabuto muttered, balancing a tray on one hand while he opened the door to the main room with the other.

"UNWORTHY ONE!!!" Kabuto looked down to see one of his master's snakes gazing up at him desperately, "THE TOOAAD-KISSSSSSER ISSS HURTINNNGGG MMAAASSSSSSTTEEERRR!!!!"

"WHAT?!" Kabuto slid the tray onto a nearby counter and pelted out of the room. He and the serpent came to the door, only to find it locked.

Kabuto turned his gaze to the snake, "I can break the door down, but it will take a second. Can you get under the door?"

The tiny snake nodded, and Kabuto set it on the floor. It vanished through the small crack between the wooden barrier and the stone floor.

"All right!" Kabuto readjusted his glasses.

Meanwhile

"KABUTO, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?!" Orochimaru screamed in desperation, "HELP!! HEEEEELLLLPPPP!!!!!!"

Jiraiya grinned at his victim, "It's been _far_ too long…"

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! KAAABBUUUTTTTOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"ARGH!" Jiraiya snarled as a small snake bit his ankle. He promptly squished it, and the thing wailed and vanished in a poof of smoke.

The door exploded. Kabuto didn't even consider attacking Gamabunta; instead, he aimed several kunai at the scroll of summoning. The toad vanished.

"KABUTO!! GET HIM OFF!!!!"

The genin threw himself onto the toad summoner with a growl, managing to snag the sannin's hair. He yanked hard, and Jiraiya roared in pain, turning to flatten the weaker ninja.

… Which was a very stupid idea, for Orochimaru managed to slip away.

Suddenly, Jiraiya was assailed, not only by Kabuto, but also by a halberd-wielding snake summoner and his reptilian allies as well.

"Uh… I think I'll go, then!" he said, a bit nervous.

Kabuto was still trying to rip the man's hair from his scalp in a blind rage. Jiraiya struggled away from the medic and made a strategic retreat.

Meanwhile

A very pale Gaara stumbled out of Iruka and Kakashi's room, clutching a bottle of something in his right hand. His normally narrowed eyes were now unbelievably wide, and he seemed to shake subconsciously as he closed the door behind him.

The taijutsu specialist blinked when he noticed the Kazekage's presence. "Gaara-san! There you… are you all right?"

"Ah… yeah," replied the other hastily, not really wanting to talk about it as he looped an arm around Lee's elbow and dragged him to their quarters, closing the door behind them. The few who remained awake stared at them before shrugging, each of them heading to bed.

At this point, Jiraiya quickly exited Orochimaru's room, looking a bit peeved. His white brows furrowed gently as he rubbed his head. "Geesh, talk about touchy… oh well, I'll have my fun some other time."

"…" Neji blinked before shutting his own door.

In Gaara's Room

After closing the door, Gaara cleared his throat and looked around.

"Uh… Gaara-san, what is that you have in your hand?" Lee asked as he examined the tube in the other's grasp.

The Kazekage sweat-dropped. "Ah… nothing important, Lee. Don't worry about it."

There was a pause as the leaf ninja blinked in confusion. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah… ah, Lee, would you mind sitting on the bed for a moment? I'm going to go use the bathroom."

Lee obeyed and sat down, still looking a bit confused as he watched the other unhook his gourd and set it in one of the corners before heading into the bathroom. Even as he closed the door behind him, he continued to stare at the tiny bottle in his hand as if it were his death wish. He wasn't completely sure he could do this…

"_Ok, Gaara," Kakashi sat up as he began to tug off his pants, making Iruka whimper, as he knew what was coming. "This is the most necessary part of everything. If you don't do this, it's like putting the frosting on the cake… without the cake. You can't have good cake if there's no cake to begin with, right, Iruka?"_

"…" _Iruka had no clue what the other was going on about. "Sure…"_

"_Right, this is the cake part," the copy ninja smiled as he then took off his boxers as well, positioning himself before the chuunin's entrance. He pulled out a bottle and took off the cap, squeezing some sort of clear gel onto his fingers and rubbing it along his shaft. After finishing, he closed the tube and tossed it to Gaara. "You'll need this, otherwise, Lee will be hurting… a lot…"_

_The sand ninja paled as he watched onward…_

"_Now hold still, Iruka."_

"… _ARRRGG!!" _

_Gaara's mouth dropped._

The Kazekage clutched the bottle tighter as he undid the lid, bringing the tube up so he could smell at it out of curiosity, and he immediately wrinkled his nose. _Strange stuff…_ _I wonder how it tastes…_

"Blech!" Gaara made a face as he instantly began to rinse out his mouth. Tasting it was an unwise decision. The stuff was definitely not made for eating.

"Um… Gaara-san?" came a voice from outside the door, although it seemed that Lee was still on the bed. "Is everything all right in there?"

"Just fine…" replied the redheaded ninja as he spat into the sink again, grimacing. "I… ah… accidentally swallowed a bug."

There was a pause.

"… Ok, if you say so." Lee leaned back on the bed and closed his eyes gently, completely unaware of what was in store for him.

In Sasuke's Room

Grope

"… Naruto… I'm trying to sleep," Sasuke swiped at his 'visitor' absently, his eyes still closed.

Grope

Sasuke growled in irritance, "Damn it, Naruto… Go away."

Then he felt something odd… like rope snaking around his wrists.

"What the hell are you-" Sasuke's eyes shot open, and to his shock…

Itachi's glittering crimsons burned down upon him, blinking cautiously as he watched his brother struggle against his bonds.

"WHAT THE-" A piece of duct tape slapped over his mouth to shut him up.

"Breathe through your nose," grunted the criminal as he slowly began to undress himself. Sasuke's eyes widened in horror.

Back to Kakashi…

The door opened slowly as a silver-haired figure poked his head out, glancing around the room to see if any one else was awake. Of course, everyone had gone to bed, save for Shikamaru, who was looking out the window, but he didn't seem to notice Kakashi slip out, dragging a worn out Iruka along with him. Eyes shifted carefully before the jonin made a run for the kitchen. Iruka just flopped along wearily.

Secret Agent Man

Iruka: Kakashi… where are we going?

Kakashi: Mmm… I dunno. I just felt like coming out of that room. It smelled a lot like-

Iruka: … Don't say anything. I know what it smelt like.

Kakashi: - Pudding!

Iruka: …………

ANBU Squad Leader: There's a man who leads a life of danger!

To everyone he meets, he stays a stranger!

With every move he makes, another chance he takes,

Odds are he won't live to see tomorrow!

ANBU Squad: Secret agent man, secret agent man!

They've given you a number and taken away your name!

Jiraiya looks out from his room, obviously having heard Kakashi exit his room. He watches and follows along, sneaking after them with the ANBU Members.

Jiraiya: Beware of pretty faces that you find!

A pretty face can hide an evil mind!

Ah, be careful what you say,

Or you'll give yourself away!

Odds are you won't live to see tomorrow!

Jiraiya and ANBU Squad: Secret agent man, secret agent man!

They've given you a number and taken away your name!

Kakashi looks around as he opens up an air vent that seemed to lead somewhere, and then drags Iruka inside with him. The ANBU Squad and Jiraiya follow them.

Jiraiya and the ANBU Squad: Secret agent man, secret agent man!

They've given you a number and taken away your name!

ANBU Member #4: Swinging on the Riviera one day,

ANBU Member #2: And then laying in the Bombay alley next day!

ANBU Squad Leader: Oh no, you let the wrong word slip,

Jiraiya: While kissing persuasive lips!

Jiraiya and ANBU Members: The odds are you won't live to see tomorrow!

Jiraiya and the ANBU Squad: Secret agent man, secret agent man!

They've given you a number and taken away your name!

Jiraiya and ANBU Leader: Secret agent man!

End

Kakashi smiled as he dropped down from the air vent they had snuck through, helping his brunette down as well. The copy ninja's face was radiating with… something weird…

"Kakashi… where are we?" The lights were off, so no one was able to see. "Is there a light switch somewhere?"

There was the shuffling of feet before a click sounded, and Iruka had to cover his eyes from the sudden blinding light. "Gah… well, there's the li-………."

"What?" Kakashi smiled innocently.

From inside the vent, Jiraiya had the lead and was refusing to let any of the ANBU Members get through. He was too busy drooling, and didn't even seem to notice that there were frustrated snarls and complaints sounding behind him.

"I can't see!" said one ANBU guy.

Another whined, "Are we moving?"

"Ew! I just touched something squishy!"

"Might have been a spider."

"EWW!!"

"Dude, you're such a wimp."

"No, that wasn't a spider. That was my dick."

"………….." All of the ANBU Members went deadly silent.

"You're not… wearing your pants?" asked someone warily.

"YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS!!" Iruka backed against a wall, his eyes wide in horror as he stared around him in a frantic matter. To his utter shock, the whole room was filled with…

Kakashi beamed as he nodded at all of the sex toys. "I found this place earlier today."

"NOOOO!!"

Jiraiya got a sudden idea…

Meanwhile… Dude, Author 1… Don't you think you're overdoing it? - Author 2 …You were the one who suggested it be filled with sex toys. Who are you trying to blame it on, eh? EH?! –Author 1 … //// … You just _had_ to tell them, didn't you… - Author 2

Gaara was pacing the length of the bathroom, trying to rack up an extra ounce of courage he didn't think he had. He wasn't quite sure what to do, or more like how to do it. Sure, Kakashi had showed him, but… it just wasn't the same. There was an insurmountable difference between watching someone do something and doing it yourself.

But waiting sure wasn't going to do any good, so he might as well do it now.

Opening the door carefully, he poked his head out to find Lee eagle-spread on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. He seemed to be having some sort of serious train of thought, and it took a while for the leaf ninja to notice the returning presence.

"Gaara-san." The Kazekage was acknowledged with a nod.

Gaara swallowed before closing the bathroom door behind him, nodding back to the other as he made his way to the mattress. His thoughts were still swarming around his head and refusing to settle on anything.

The taijutsu specialist blinked and began to sit up to watch the other's advance, but his vision was suddenly clouded as sand erupted from out of nowhere and swallowed the bed completely. Lee became a little slack-jawed.

"Um… Gaara-san…" came the faint, muffled voice from inside the sand cocoon, "Is there a reason the bed is encased in sand? I cannot see…"

At first, no reply came as the black-haired leaf ninja looked about agitatedly, trying to figure out what was going on. The ebony eyes cast about in an attempt to observe his 'new' surroundings, although the only thing that was very different was that he couldn't see anything that was around or past the mattress he sat on. It was as if the bed was entombed under the desert.

"…" Then a hand began to melt through one side of the sand, followed by the rest of the arm and eventually, Gaara himself. "I have reasons of my own for doing this… please forgive me."

The rest of the scene has been edited for your viewing pleasure. Here is the abridged version. Thank you. – Author 1 … Hahaha… You sound like one of those PBS commercial thingies… – Author 2

"Forgive you for what?"

"I don't know what I'm doing."

Long bout of silence…

"Owwie…"

"Sorry…"

"Whine. "

Here is the real version.

"Wha? Forgive you for what?" Lee's fuzzy brows furrowed in confusion before he suddenly found himself pinned to the mattress with a feral-looking, sex-deprived sand ninja looming over him. His eyes widened considerably. "G-Gaara-san?"

"I don't know what I'm doing," admitted the other faintly as he began to unclothe himself, absently chucking the articles through a hole in the sand that would occasionally appear when he wanted it to. "Just… relax, I suppose."

"Uh…" Lee wasn't sure what he was supposed to be relaxing for.

In a matter of seconds, the Kazekage had fully unclothed himself and was now towering over the other with a confused look in his jade orbs. Lee could only blink as he reached out and tugged off his sandals, throwing them through the sand barrier as well. The way Gaara was going about it made it seem as if he was extremely nervous, and his unease only increased as he struggled with the removal of Lee's suit. Lee stared at him carefully before sitting up to help. He didn't need his new clothes ruined, figuring that there probably wasn't a third suit lying under the bed.

Then they were both fully exposed, staring at each other dumbly as if to ask the other what was going to happen next… Although _one_ of them knew what was _supposed_ to happen, and the other still had absolutely no clue as to why they were both nude and buried in sand. Gaara's face was mixed with confusion and determination as he reached for the bottle of lubricant that he had previously set on the end of the bed, twisting off the cap and tossing it out of the cocoon. The clear gel met his fingers as he set down the tube and turned to his partner, blinking cautiously before he began to copy what Kakashi had done, letting the cool substance cover his awakening member. The process was more than a little nerve-wracking for both of the young ninja.

"A-are you…?" Lee shivered as his hands were gently pressed to the headboard and bound there with sand, keeping the skilled taijutsu user from retaliating.

The only reply Gaara could muster was a simple nod, hands reaching to press apart the other's legs and hold them up with sand. Only then did he begin to lubricate the trembling boy's entrance; the first finger entered gently, wiggling around just a bit to make sure it didn't cause the other any pain, and a second was added as soon as a groan sounded from above. The two digits worked together, scissoring lightly before a third joined them.

Lee winced as the third entered, trying not to let the pain show on his face. "Geh…"

"Sorry…" After preparing the leaf ninja, Gaara swallowed and gathered every ounce of courage that he could muster before positioning himself before the other. His jade orbs bore down into the ebony ones as he then asked, "You ready, Lee?"

_Wow… this is even better than killing people… _Gaara thought to himself with an inward smile.

"I-I guess…" Lee wasn't so sure they should be doing this. _Gai-Sensei is going to kill meeeeee…_

Both gasped as the Kazekage entered in slowly, the one on top squeezing his eyes shut as to hide the enormous amount of tension that had built up in his emerald orbs. He was frozen, half-afraid that he was going to hurt the other or cause something to go wrong, but he was brought back by a whimper sounding from Lee. "G-Gaara-san…"

"Onegai… just call me Gaara."

"… Gaara…"

"Eh…" Then he slowly began to build a pace, pulling out before sliding back in easily thanks to the amount of lube he had used… Which was quite considerable due to the fact that Gaara wasn't quite sure he was ready to do something like this, but a… feeling inside him drove him onwards. The rhythm gradually began to increase, and after a time, both ninja were drenched in sweat and gasping for air as the feeling turned from awkward to incredible. "Gahh…"

_THIS IS EVEN BETTER THAN KILLING A THOUSAND PEOPLE!!!!_ Gaara's head spun in ecstasy. This was by far the most pleasurable thing he'd ever experienced.

Lee hissed as he arched gently, "G-Gaara…"

"L…" The word refused to leave the Kazekage's lips, as he was suddenly overwhelmed by a feeling he'd never had before. It was something he instantly began to like- a dull hum within his lower regions... One of his pale hands reached for Lee's neglected manhood, and he shakily took it in his hold and stroked it in time with his aimed thrusts. It seemed that he had found a certain spot in Lee that was making the Handsome Devil of Konoha nearly scream out- not in pain, but in desperate pleasure. It wasn't long before the boy came onto Gaara's stomach just as the other came inside him. The feeling was one neither wanted to let fade any time soon.

Gaara hissed as he slumped, falling upon the other as he slid out, gasping for air. "Haa… haa…"

"S-so… why did you… put up the sand?" The other asked after a while.

"Walls… aren't entirely… soundproof…" came the reply. _Screw killing people. I've found a new reason for existence. What was this called again? Kakashi called it…. Oh yeah. Sex. Must remember that._

Ok, the scene's over, you stupid people who can't handle yaoi. By the way, those of you with queasy stomachs… you suck. –Author 1… You're so funny! Hardeeharharhar! Yay! Pirate laugh!!! Oh, and don't forget homophobes! They suck, too! Dang homophobes! –Author 2

Meanwhile

Itachi dragged his limp captive out of the room, throwing a cautious gaze about and noticing with mild irritance that the stoner kid was still up.

"Clouds!" Shikamaru gazed out the window, a lopsided grin on his face.

Sasuke made a muffled sound, and the teen blinked and turned about.

"Yo, Sasuke…" Shikamaru frowned, "Why are you all tied up?" Another muffled sound came, although Shikamaru seemed to understand it. "Oh, I see."

Sasuke scowled darkly.

"Why are you still up?" growled the Konoha criminal, narrowing his Sharingan eyes as he took a step forward. A hand was slowly reaching towards the katana at his side.

"Meh… you can just leave, if you want," replied the boy, yawning boredly as he pointed somewhere.

Itachi's eyes widened as he looked to where the other was indicating. "… Why the hell didn't we see that before?! We're a bunch of retards!"

A few minutes later, Shikamaru blinked in sudden clarity, "… Bye-bye…" and then passed out.

Meanwhile… YAY!!!! I get to write this part!!!! … Um… Oh, dear… – Author 2

"Oh… they're coming back!" Jiraiya hissed, "Go back before we're caught!"

There was a series of curses and yelps as the ANBU squad struggled to get out of the vent as quickly as possible. Jiraiya slid into a side vent and peered towards the room stealthily.

Kakashi appeared with a half-coherent Iruka slung over one shoulder. The chuunin had been gagged and stuffed into… a dolphin costume…

"My poeh wittle Iwuka is all woen out!" Kakashi cooed to himself. Iruka didn't even respond, "I'd betta' put wittle Iwuka to bed so he can get some sweeeep and pway some moeh tomaahwoah."

Jiraiya waited for the two to leave, and then he began to explore the vents, hoping to find one that led to a 'certain someone's' room.

Meanwhile

Kabuto slipped into the bathroom, half-asleep, glasses askew. He sighed and shut the door before flipping the light on…

And something that felt suspiciously like a cloth soaked in chloroform came over his nose and mouth. He put up a good fight, but his assailant was far stronger than he was, and he soon slumped to the tiled floor, unconscious.

Orochimaru blinked sleepily as the bathroom door opened and light flashed across his face, "… Kabuto?"

There was no answer.

"… Kabuto? What is…" Some sixth sense told him to look up, and to his horror, Jiraiya was striding confidently towards him.

"Your boy-toy is taking a nap… How rude of him!" Orochimaru could feel Jiraiya's devious smirk upon him, "Oh, well! I can keep you company in the meantime!"

"No…" the snake summoner whispered faintly, "… Not again… noooo!!!"

Orochimaru lost complete control when the toad sage grabbed him.

"NNNOOOOO!!!!!!! HHHEEEELLLLLPPPPPP!!!!!" He grabbed a lamp and smashed it against the wall that he shared with Sasuke, "HHHHHEEEEELLLLPPPPP!!!!!! MMMMPPPPHHHH!!!!!!!"

Jiraiya promptly shoved some object into his mouth, then tied a cloth about his face. Orochimaru struggled fiercely, but the pervert was sitting on him, and he was damn heavy.

To the evil sannin's shock, Jiraiya tangled him up in his own blankets and then hoisted him up like a sack of rice. Now completely covered in fabric, blinded and bound so he could barely move.

The toad sage put him down for a moment, he knew, then lifted him up again and began walking hunched over.

After a minute or two that felt like an eternity in hell, Orochimaru found himself glaring up at a grinning Jiraiya in an unfamiliar place.

"Why don't you take a look around, old pal!" the pervert giggled maniacally, "We're gonna be here for awhile, after all!"

Orochimaru hesitated, then swiveled his head about. And what he saw was enough to make anyone scream like a schoolgirl in terror. "MRRRRPPPHHHHHH!!!!!"

"So… Where should we start?" The sage seemed to completely ignore him as he began tossing things around randomly, his mind not quite made up yet. His hand went from one thing to another, and it was obvious that Orochimaru was beginning to turn into a puddle of goo. "Condoms are _soooo _old fashioned, and these weird things are boring. We need something dramatic, you know?"

The rest of the scene has been edited, because… it needs to be edited. The following conversation would be considered NC-17. –Author 1 … You… are so mean… - Author 2

Here's the abridged version of the conversation.

"We could use this…"

"…"

"Or this…."

"!"

"Sure, we'll use it later."

"Sob"

"I don't have STDs. Do you?"

"Mmmrrress."

"?"

"…"

"Oh well, guess we'll find out!"

"!!!!!!!!!!!"

Here's the real version. Trust me, it's better than that stupid little abridged one I just did. Compared to that, the abridged one is wimpy. –Author 1

"-Of course, we could always use this weird-looking vibrator. Looks kind of like one of those pads you put on the middle of women's panties. Oh, speaking of which, did you know they make scented ones now?" Jiraiya smiled as he held up something that resembled the object he was talking about. "Oh! Did you know that they have vibrators that you can put in, and then walk around with in public without people even knowing you have them?"

The evil sannin didn't reply.

"Well, I guess we could skip the vibrators-"

Orochimaru looked up hopefully.

"-and go straight to this thing." The sage held up a large metal ring that looked too large to be worn on a finger. "This handy trinket keeps one from spilling one's seed until it's taken off. Cool, huh?"

Orochimaru's head fell to rest upon his own chest, tears streaming out of his eyes.

"Mmm, sure! We'll use it later!" Jiraiya kept the item in his hand before casting his perverted gaze around the room some more. "Man, I have to hand it to Kakashi. If I didn't hear him leave his room and drag Iruka here, then I would have never found this place!"

_DAMN YOU, KAKASHI!!!!!!!!!!! _The snake commander made a mental note to 'visit' the copy ninja once he got out of this mess… if that was ever going to happen…

"Now, we need to figure out what kind of fruit you like. That way I can feed you mouth-to-mouth! Ahh, I've always wanted to do that, especially with you, pal. Two men sharing a meal…"

_GROSS!! _Orochimaru howled to himself.

"It's a good thing I don't have STDs."

"…"

"Do you have STDs?"

"Mmmrress."

"???"

"…"

"Oh well, guess we'll find out!"

"!!!!!!!!!!"

Meanwhile

"… Gaara?"

"… Yes?"

"Would… w-would… would you…"

Gaara's mouth twitched, "This again?"

Lee hesitated, then, "…Wouldyousingformeplease?"

"… What?" Gaara lifted his head up, not sure if he'd just imagined the odd murmur he'd heard.

Lee didn't seem to be able to speak any louder, so the Kazekage ended up leaning in close to let the taijutsu expert hiss it in his ear.

"… Sure… Why didn't you just ask?"

"… ////…"

All For You

Gaara: Finally I figured out,  
But it took a long, long time.  
Now there's a turnabout,  
Maybe 'cause I'm trying…

Gaara: There's been times-

Lee: I am so confused.  
Gaara: Down my road,

Lee: Will it lead to you?  
Gaara: I just can't turn and-

Gaara and Lee: Walk away!

Gaara and Lee: It's hard to say what it is I see in you!  
Gaara: Wonder-

Gaara and Lee: If I'll always be with you!  
Words can't say it, I can't do,  
Enough to prove, it's all for you!

Gaara: And I thought I'd seen it all,  
'Cause it's been a long, long time.  
Oh, bothered that we'll trip and fall,  
Wondering if I'm blind.

Gaara: There's been times-

Lee: I am so confused.  
Gaara: Down my road,

Lee: Will it lead to you?  
Gaara: I just can't turn, you'll-

Gaara and Lee: Walk away! 

Gaara and Lee: It's hard to say what it is I see in you!  
Gaara: Wonder-

Gaara and Lee: If I'll always be with you!  
Words can't say it, I can't do,  
Enough to prove, it's all for you!

Gaara: Rain comes pouring down,

Lee: Pouring down…  
Gaara: Falling from blue skies.

Lee: Falling from blue skies!  
Gaara: Words made out of sound,  
Gaara and Lee: Coming from your eyes!

Gaara: Finally I figured out,  
But it took a long, long time.  
Oh, now there's a turnabout,  
Maybe 'cause I'm trying…

Gaara: There's been times-

Lee: I am so confused.  
Gaara: Down my road,

Lee: Will it lead to you?  
Gaara: I just can't turn and-

Gaara and Lee: Walk away! 

Gaara and Lee: It's hard to say what it is I see in you!  
Gaara: Wonder-

Gaara and Lee: If I'll always be with you!  
Words can't say it, I can't do,  
Enough to prove, it's all for you! Gaara: Well, it's-

Gaara and Lee: Hard to say what it is I see in you!  
Gaara: Wonder-

Gaara and Lee: If I'll always be with you!  
Words can't say it, I can't do,  
Enough to prove, it's all for you!

Gaara: Whoa, it's hard to say…  
Whoa, it's hard to say, it's all for you!

End

"… That was very nice, Gaara," Lee beamed a bit as he watched the other through his charcoal eyes, a smile melting onto his lips. "I would not mind having you sing for me some other time as well."

"Sure…" Gaara paused momentarily. "Lee… I want more."

"More? More what?"

"Get down on the bed."

"… Get down on the- wait a minute…"

"Bed. Now."

"But… but I am tired! I am already going to be sore in the morning as it is!"

"Well, I'm not tired. Get on the bed."

"Sob. "

Meanwhile… Well, you almost feel bad for Lee. –Author 2 … Almost… –Author 1

"My, you look absolutely _darling_ in that maid costume, pal!" Jiraiya smiled as he stood back to admire his work, which just so happened to be Orochimaru placed in what seemed to be a very, _very_ skimpy maid's outfit. The evil sannin looked unconvinced.

A mirror was suddenly shoved in the snake commander's face. "Look for yourself!"

Orochimaru shut his eyes.

"… Ok, fine. I guess we'll have to move on to the next part. If you don't mind, since you're going to be posing for me for my next Icha Icha Paradise book, I want you to kind of… heh heh… spread your legs a bit. Women's panties are a big hit with the men these days."

The sage received a very annoyed glare from his old companion. "Why are you looking at me like that? Are you still feeling guilty for the whole 'STD' incident?"

Another glare was received.

"… Well, I don't feel like anything strange is going on inside me, so I think you're off the hook, Orochimaru. We're men, and manly men don't get STDs!"

The other seemed to sigh out of irritance.

Back in Kakashi's room…

It had taken some time, but Iruka finally decided that sleeping was better than suffering through another round of Kakashi's torturous methods. Still stuffed in the dolphin outfit, he lay nestled within the covers with the Sharingan user snuggled around him protectively, still watching with a careful eye.

"Heh… he's just too precious," chuckled the jonin as he stroked the fuzzy costume fondly, stopping to play with Iruka's chestnut strands after a while of silence. It began to make him wonder what life was going to do for them in the future, and his last thoughts scavenged about the possibilities as he too drifted off into a deep sleep aside his lover.

Outside…

Asuma yawned as he played his last pair of sharks, giving Kurenai a triumphant smile before saying to her, "I win again."

"This is stupid!" growled the female jonin. "We've played almost every card game you can think of: Uno, Skipbo, Old Maid, Crazy 8s, Lucky 7's, Hearts, War, Poker, Go Fish, Solitaire, Spider Solitaire, Phase 10, Magic, Yu-Gi-Oh… although I didn't understand that one very well… Pokemon-"

"At least you won on one of those."

"-Lucky B, Egyptian Rat Screw, Free-cell, Munchkin, Killer Bunny and the Quest for the Magic Carrot, and… uh, what's it called? … Oh, yeah! Memory!"

Asuma put his head in his hands, "… You're hopeless."

"WELL, AT LEAST I KICKED YOUR BUTT AT POKEMON!!!!!"

"Oh, Gods, why?!" Sarutobi's son moaned.

"IT'S BECAUSE I'M A POKEMON MASTER!!!!!!!!!"

"… Uh… What?"

??? … Yeah… we're weird… - Author 2

Kurenai: I wanna be the very best,

Like no one ever was!

To catch them is my real test,

To train them is my cause!

ANBU Members: Ooooh!

Kurenai: I will travel across the land,

Searching far and wide!

Each Pokemon to understand-

The power that's inside…

ANBU Members: Pokemon! Gotta catch em all!

Kurenai: It's you and me…

Kurenai and ANBU Members: I know it's my destiny!

ANBU Members: Pokemon!

Kurenai: Ooooh, you're my best friend,

Kurenai and ANBU Members: In a world we must defend!

ANBU Members: Pokemon! Gotta catch em all!

Kurenai: A heart so true!

Kurenai and ANBU Members: Our courage will pull us through!

You teach me and I'll teach you,

Pokemon!

Kurenai and ANBU Members: Gotta catch 'em all!

Kurenai: Every challenge along the way,

With courage, I will face!

I will battle every deed,

And claim my rightful place!

ANBU Members: Oooooh!

Kurenai: Come with me, the time is right!

There's no better team!

On and on, we'll win the fight!

It's always been a dream!

ANBU Members: Pokemon! Gotta catch em all!

Kurenai: It's you and me…

Kurenai and ANBU Members: I know it's my destiny!

ANBU Members: Pokemon!

Kurenai: Ooooh, you're my best friend,

Kurenai and ANBU Members: In a world we must defend!

ANBU Members: Pokemon! Gotta catch em all!

Kurenai: A heart so true!

Kurenai and ANBU Members: Our courage will pull us through!

You teach me and I'll teach you,

Pokemon!

ANBU Members: Gotta catch 'em all!

Kurenai: Gotta catch 'em all!

Kurenai and ANBU Members: Pokemon!

End

Asuma stared at her, then stood slowly. He gave her a weak smile, then began sprinting away from the raving woman in terror.

"COME BACK!!!!!!!"

"GO AWAY!!!!"

End of Part 4… This part took forever to complete… Now, then… ONWARD!!! - Author 2


	5. Part 5 The final act, GASP!

He woke to the sound of a shutter clicking, and turned away reflexively as a camera flashed.

"Aww… You moved!" Jiraiya pouted, "Now I have to reposition you!"

_Gods damn it all to hell! _Orochimaru snarled in his head.

"You know, I get the feeling you don't quite approve of what we're doing here!"

_Where on Earth did you get a brilliant idea like that, Prick? _ But all the sannin could do was growl at the toad summoner.

"What's the big deal, pal?" Jiraiya grinned at him over his camera, "It's not like you didn't expect this."

_I'M GOING TO RIP OPEN HIS CHEST AND EAT HIS STILL-BEATING HEART IN FRONT OF HIM!!!!!!!!_

"I mean, we are just animals, after all!"

_What does that have to do with anything?!_

"As such, fulfilling our basic desires is only natural, and of course, perfectly acceptable!"

That… is the lamest justification for rape that I have ever heard… 

Animal

Jiraiya: Hey, what's the big deal?  
Tell me how to feel!  
I know where we boomeranged and fell from grace!  
Point me to the stars; I'm up for the chase!  
I know where we fell on our face!  
Jump with me!  
You jump with me!

Jiraiya: Hey, what's the big deal?  
I'm an animal!  
Random Toad: The answer landed on my rooftop. Whoa.  
Jiraiya: I'm an animal!  
Random Toad: The future and the truth, on my rooftop. Whoa.  
Jiraiya: I'm an animal!  
Random Toad: It's calling me to work it out.  
It's calling me to work it out.  
Whoa…

Jiraiya: I don't wanna boomerang!  
I don't wanna cannonball!  
I'm not angling!  
I don't want to fall!  
Tell me I'm the anchor of my own ascension!  
Tell me I'm a tourist in the 4th dimension!

Jiraiya: Hey, what's the big deal?  
I'm an animal!  
Random Toad: The answer landed on my rooftop. Whoa.  
Jiraiya: I'm an animal!  
Random Toad: The future and the truth, on my rooftop. Whoa.  
Jiraiya: I'm an animal!  
Random Toad: It's calling me to work it out.  
It's calling me to work it out.  
Whoa…

Orochimaru: Glares.

Random Toad: Work it out.

Jiraiya: I'm vibrating at the speed of light!  
Take my hand, we'll wind up the night!  
Spin me, win me, lift me, kiss me,  
Trip me, trust me, cuss me, judge me!  
Touch me now!  
You take my hand!  
You trust me now!  
You understand!

Orochimaru: …

Jiraiya: Hey, what's the big deal?  
I'm an animal!  
Random Toad: The answer landed on my rooftop. Whoa.  
Jiraiya: I'm an animal!  
Random Toad: The future and the truth, on my rooftop. Whoa.  
Jiraiya: I'm an animal!  
Random Toad: It's calling me to work it out.  
It's calling me to work it out.  
Whoa…

Jiraiya: I'm vibrating at the speed of light!

End

"…" Orochimaru didn't look at all impressed.

"Right, now let's get down with it! You and me, old style! On the floor!"

The rest of the scene has been edited because Author 1 is some yaoi-craving pervert and can't seem to write enough yaoi for her own good. It's a shame Author 2 can't write yaoi worth crap. –Author 1 … Well… yeah… sadness… HEY! I could if I tried! I'll prove it to you! … maybe… - Author 2

THE FLOOR?!?!?!? 

"Put 'em up, Orochimaru! Straighten those shoulders a bit!"

"WHAT ARE YOU, A MILITARY OFFICER?!"

"You asking for an interrogation with the Black Ops?"

"NO!"

"Then hush and work with me here, pal!"

"KYYYYYAAAA!!!"

Here's the real one.

THE FLOOR?!?!?!? The dark sannin coughed and sputtered as his gag was suddenly removed and his clothing was deprived from him, still leaving him bound and propped up against the wall awkwardly. He looked too stunned to say anything coherent at the moment. 

"All right," Jiraiya's grin grew even wider as he leaned forward and set the other up straight, trying to make him not look so lop-sided. "Now if you'd do me a favor-"

"DO YOU A FAVOR?!?" snarled the other, a dangerous gleam appearing in his eyes. "I am most certainly **_not_ **doing you _any sort_ of **_favor_**!"

"Aww, you slanted again! Come on, old pal; put 'em up! Straighten those shoulders a bit!"

"I'm not straightening anything for you!"

"Straighten that erection!"

"EWW! WHAT ARE YOU, A MILITARY OFFICER?!"

A chuckle sounded from the perverted sage as he crawled forward, undoing his forehead protector and setting it aside so it wouldn't get in the way. "Are you asking for an interrogation with the Black Ops, Orochimaru?"

A dark scowl came upon the other's face. "NO!"

"Then hush and work with me here, pal!" Clothes soon began to join the discarded pile as the white-haired man advanced on his old teammate.

"G-get away from me!" Orochimaru would have struggled, but he couldn't move at all, due to he was quite literally tied to the floor and the wall.

The evil sannin squeaked in horror as a hand came to rest firmly on one of his parted thighs, stroking the soft skin gently as if it had fur. Jiraiya had the strangest look in his eyes, one mixed with lust and even more passion than when he would be caught peeping in the women's bath. "J-Jiraiya, come on… can't this wait?"

"When are you suggesting we do this, then?"

"How about… NEVER?!"

Another squeak sounded as the sage grabbed a hold of the wilted member, gently slipping the ring on and giving the tip of the manhood a slight tweak, gaining an elected moan from the one beneath him.

_Hehehe…_ Jiraiya smirked deviously. _It seems Orochimaru still has those hidden hots for me…_

It was only a matter of minutes before the poor snake commander was writhing, eyes shut tight out of either pleasure or shame, or perhaps even both. The once wilted organ was now straight and erect, pulsing madly as the one above pleaded for the torture to end, although his cries only fueled the other on more so. A dexterous tongue slithered out to brush against a strawberry nipple, drawing out another series of moans and gasps.

_And he still has the same old weak spots…_ The sage continued to chuckle, swirling his tongue around the nub.

"Gah-hah… hah…. GYAH!!" At that moment, Orochimaru would have most likely orgasmed, but the ring on his erected member was keeping him from doing so, and the torture was beginning to drive the poor and helpless sannin insane. He squirmed at the touches the other performed, nearly in tears at the amazing amount of pressure that was building up in his lower areas, nearly making him explode. Arching his back against the wall, he could only help but whine desperately as Jiraiya prepared himself for entrance.

"Now this is the part where you hold still…" The hermit made it fast, sliding in with almost no problem at all, and the other couldn't hold back the groan that overwhelmed him completely.

"Jiraiya, you idiot bastard…" Orochimaru gasped as his own fingernails dug into the flesh of his palms, drawing a little blood.

"Oh Orochimaru, you know you're going to like it," grinned the other man, and soon he began to literally pound into the other, making the wall shake every time Orochimaru's poor back came in contact with it.

In Naruto's Room

"Guys, what's that banging noise?" Naruto blinked as he twitched his ears, listening more closely.

Kiba frowned. "I don't want to know."

"But what if someone's trying to break in and let us out?"

"I highly doubt that is what is going on."

"Shino's right, Naruto; go to sleep."

"Grrr…"

Anyways, back to the cough hack wheeze scene. –Author 1

"DAMN IT!!" Orochimaru was practically screaming at the top of his lungs, bouncing from the supreme force the other was pounding into him with. "JIRAIYA, JUST TAKE IT OFF!!!!!!!"

"Well… this IS the sixteenth time you've asked… so I guess I'll take it off." Jiraiya's smile somehow seemed to remain attached to his lips, even during such an obscene time. His fingers slowly reached outwards, despite the fast rate they had been going at, and soon they reached the iron object and quickly pulled it off in time to escape being sprayed.

Orochimaru gasped for air, finally released from the swelling feelings inside his groin and the dull aching in his hands from where his nails breached the surface. His eyes remained shut tight, maybe for the hope that when they reopened, Jiraiya would no longer be there, smiling at him.

He opened his eyes.

"AGH!" He then proceeded to cry while Jiraiya could only grin like the idiot he was.

In the Morning

"I didn't get a wink of sleep last night," complained Naruto as he sat in the middle of the circular room, brows furrowed deeply. His fox-like eyes scanned around the room to find that once again, he was talking to no one. Either that, or no one bothered to listen.

"You'll never guess what I had a dream about," Kankuro whispered to Temari, who only looked at him in dull entertainment. "I dreamt that the bug guy-"

Shino stared blankly from over in his corner. "What bug guy?"

Sweat-dropping, Kankuro began to wave his hands around. "Uh… nothing! I was just telling… well, Temari was just telling me that you're a really cool guy! You're very cool!"

"… What?" Shino and Temari asked simultaneously.

Kankuro wanted to hide.

"NO!" Kabuto suddenly burst out of his room, looking about frantically as he pushed up his glasses. His eyes were pathetically wide and it seemed as if he was looking for something. "Where is he?! Where could he have gone?!"

"… What's wrong?" Tsunade looked up briefly.

"I can't find him anywhere…" sobbed the medic, slowly beginning to give up hope. "I was knocked unconscious last night… and when I woke up this morning, Lord Orochimaru was gone. His blankets, too."

Naruto frowned. "I thought I heard someone screaming last night… Kind of sounded like the old snake-man…"

"WHERE IS HE?!" Kabuto lunged at the kitsune-boy and began to shake him quite harshly, nearly making the other's head fly off his shoulders.

"I DON'T KNOW!!" cried Naruto, trying to stop the vigorous shaking. "I HEARD IT COMING FROM THE KITCHEN!!"

The medic immediately released the other and raced towards the kitchen, yelling something like, "I'M COMING, LORD OROCHIMARU!!!"

Everyone stared blankly at the crazed Kabuto; several had to jump out of his path, avoiding the blind charge of the lone ninja as he sprinted away.

"…" Ibiki blinked as he impaled another beetle on a kunai. He'd built up quite a collection of beetle carcasses over the past few days, and he'd stacked them up in a neat pile by his room. "I wonder what's wrong with him…"

Tsunade scowled. "Look who's talking…"

In Kakashi's Room

"… Kakashi."

"Mrphhrrph…"

"Wake up, you lazy bastard."

"Mmm…."

"………………."

"………."

"WAKE UP!!"

Kakashi jolted up, only to crash into Iruka and send them both back down onto the mattress, groaning as their heads were rubbed.

"Damn it, Kakashi…" Iruka growled as he squinted at the other, chocolate eyes dark with frustration. "I've been sitting here for the past hour, TRYING to get you up!"

"Oh…" The copy ninja blinked in the most innocent manner he could muster, which was quite good considering how sleepy and tired he appeared to be. "I'm sorry. I'll try and be more awake next time."

There was a pause as Iruka stared at the other in horror and disbelief from inside the dolphin costume. "… Next time?"

"Well… yes, there's always tomorrow morning."

"Sometimes I wonder how far your stupidity stretches, Kakashi."

In Gaara's Room

The following scene is now known as the abridged version. Yay for it. Here, look at its awesome abridged-ness… -Author 1

"Geh…"

"Gah…"

"…"

"…"

Was that not totally awesome? … Ah… yeah… Here is the real version…

Gaara awoke to a warm purring sensation in his chest. He cast his jade eyes downward to find Lee snuggled tightly against him. He couldn't help but smile slightly. The way the other had his bare arms around the Kazekage's waist, the way their bodies fit together so nicely… as if they were meant for each other, which, in Gaara's opinion, was already true. Lee was _his_ Sexy Beast of Konoha. His, and his alone.

"Hello…" Lee started, but was predictably cut off by Gaara's mouth. They were finally forced apart by the need for air. "… Hmm…"

Gaara began to nibble down the other's jaw, occasionally sucking on the skin and marking it, ensuring that others would know that the Handsome Devil was _his_. His teeth continued to gnaw against Lee's jaw-line, and it soon passed downward to lick and tease at the taijutsu user's throat, making the boy whimper against the touches.

"Geh…" Lee's face was covered by a thick sleepy blush, and he pulled Gaara closer to him as if to ask for whatever he was being offered. Gaara was quick to comply.

The young Kazekage soon reached a slightly flushed nub, and he began to give it the same treatment that he'd treated Lee's neck with. His tongue swirled around it gently and his lips soon clasped over the nipple, sucking upon it. He was rewarded with a dazed groan from Lee's kiss-swollen lips.

"Gaara…" The plead echoed softly throughout the room, making the Kazekage shiver. "G-Gaara… I am hungry…"

The crimson locks that obscured Gaara's vision were soon pushed aside as he came back up to blink at the other before him. "You are… hungry?"

"Yes…"

"…"

"…"

"… Fine, let's go get you something to eat."

"Yay!"

Back to the main room…

"_Raaaaammeeeennnn_," moaned the hyperactive, knucklehead ninja, rolling about dully on the floor. No one paid attention, nor cared in the least. This only made Naruto whine louder. "_RAAAAAAAMMMMMEEEENNNNNN!!!!!!!!_"

"Oh, shut up!" snapped Kiba, throwing the first thing he saw at the blonde ninja… which just so happened to be Temari's giant fan. The large object went flying through the air and pretty much flattened Naruto, grinding him into the carpet. Everyone stared blankly, some entertained while others were uncaring.

"… That's _my_ fan," Temari turned to glare hollowly at the dog-owner, who glared back defiantly.

"Like I give a damn. Naruto was begging for it."

"What did you say?"

"I said-"

"Enough, both of you." Kakashi strode out of his room, book held in front of his nose as he calmly peered over its rim. "You're making so much noise out here that it's _verryy _hard for Iruka-Sensei to sleep."

"… I'm not sleeping… This thing is making me feel bloated," came a retort from inside the room. "Can I take it off now, please?"

"Can you reach the zipper?"

"……………"

"Didn't think so. Just come on out; I'm sure no one will laugh at you."

There was a moment of furious grumbling before the others found themselves staring at a huge, fuzzy blue dolphin… with Iruka's face. His arms almost seemed too short, as they had to stretch a long distance to get out of the arm holes, only to find themselves stuffed inside funny-looking flippers. The dolphin costume made the poor chuunin look twice his normal size.

"What…" Naruto started.

"The…" Tenten resisted the urge to snort.

"Hell?!" Kisame finished.

Another pause sounded before everyone broke out laughing. Suddenly, the door to Gaara and Lee's room opened to reveal the two of them, both dressed and ready. Their eyes seemed relatively normal until they found their view to everything blocked by a large blue… thing…

"…?" Lee blinked cautiously, reaching out to poke it before Gaara pulled his hand back.

A frown was on the Kazekage's face. "Don't touch it…"

"Huh?" Iruka turned around towards the voice, only to accidentally hit Gaara and send him flying across the room.

"Gaara!" Kankuro yelped as he attempted to run after his brother, but Iruka again turned around and hit the sibling with his large stuffed body. The puppet master was soon piled on top of the redhead.

"Ugh…" Gaara gasped slightly as his back was shoved into his gourd.

"No!" Lee leapt onto the clearly evil dolphin and began hammering its head with blows. Luckily for Iruka, the costume cushioned every strike so effectively that he didn't even realize he was being attacked.

"Did I hit someone?!" Iruka turned sharply again, and Lee soared off and landed in a heap a few feet away from the sand brothers.

"Ra-ramen?" came a voice at Iruka's feet… "RaAHH!" The kitsune teen crashed into Lee.

"Ow!" There was a sharp cracking noise, and Gaara's eyes shot over to Lee, riddled with concern.

Shino blinked and then scrambled away in shock as Iruka stumbled and then whacked him up into the air with a soft 'thwack'.

"AGH!!" Kankuro and Gaara both winced as the bug-tamer smashed into them. Poor Gaara felt his spine grind painfully against the gourd, and then regretfully turned it into a heap of sand to cushion himself.

Kakashi walked towards Iruka carefully, "Uh… Iruka… maybe you should stoaaahhh!!!" The jonin landed on Naruto. Lee whimpered.

"Kakashi? Where'd you go?" Iruka spun about and smashed into Gai.

"AAAHHH!!!!" He fell onto Shino, who nearly vomited at the force of the impact.

"Iruka, nOOOOHHHH!!!!" Tsunade found herself on top of Kakashi.

"Ah! I cannot breathe!" Lee gasped weakly.

"WHAT IS GOING ON?!" Iruka snapped.

"STOP MOVING!!" The few who weren't having their lives crushed out of them shouted.

"???" Iruka looked puzzled, but he stopped.

"H-help…" Lee was going rather blue.

"Get off!" Gaara snarled at the ones above him.

Kankuro went rather pale, "Gaara, I think the Shino dude is unconscious."

"I can't come down!" Gai wailed, "I don't like heights!"

"You idiot…" Gaara growled, "Lee's suffocating."

"What?!" Gai looked down at the other pile.

"S-sensei…"

"LEE!!!" Gai leapt off the younger ninja and ripped Tsunade and Kakashi off of his student, throwing Naruto to the side.

Kankuro rolled over, managing to get both himself and Shino off of the thoroughly annoyed Kazekage, who let out a hiss of relief.

"Lee!!! Are you all right?!" Gai shook his dazed protégé fiercely, "Do you need CPR?!"

"N-no…"

"Get out of the way, idiot!" The Kazekage grabbed Gai by his collar and threw him aside so he could bend down to wrap his arms lightly around Lee, nearly shocking all of the others by his random act of kindness. Kankuro seemed to be the only one who didn't find it strange.

"S-still cannot breathe…" Lee gasped.

Gaara pulled back and frowned, "… You've broken something…"

"Let me look at him," Tsunade stumbled over. She put a hand on his ribs, "Yeah, three. Ouch." Light flooded from her fingers into Lee, and his breathing became easier.

"I want ramen!" Naruto began to cry.

"WILL SOMEONE PLEASE GET ME OUT OF THIS THING?!"

Everyone save Naruto, Gaara, and Lee turned to stare at Iruka. Kakashi limped over, wheezing, and fumbled with the zipper. And to their horror, he was bare underneath.

"… I'm going back to sleep…" Iruka muttered, and then slammed the door behind him.

"I WANT RAMEN!!!" Naruto screeched.

"I am still hungry…" Lee whispered to Gaara as the leaf ninja ranted.

"Kitchen…" The two vanished.

"RAMEN!!!!!!!"

"SHUT UP!" Kiba snarled.

"RRRRRAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEENNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

??? MYSTERY!!! WHOOOO!!!! – Author 2

Naruto pulls out a cell phone and punches in a number. Someone answers.

Naruto: Hey, Jiraiya. It's Naruto. I can't come out tonight. No, I can't. I'm going out tonight with this girl. Her name is Ramen… real cute. I've got to go, see ya!

Kiba: … What is he talking about?

Naruto: I know a girl who's tough but sweet!  
She's so fine; she can't be beat!  
She's got everything that I desire!  
Sets the summer fun on fire!

Naruto: I want Ramen! I want Ramen!  
I want Ramen! I want Ramen!

Naruto: Go to see her when the sun goes down!  
Ain't no finer girl in town!  
You're my girl, what the doctor ordered!  
So sweet, you make my mouth water!

Naruto: Ohhhh!  
I want Ramen! I want Ramen!  
I want Ramen! I want Ramen!

ANBU Squad: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Naruto: Ramen on the beach, there's nothing better,  
But I like ramen when it's wrapped in a sweater!  
Someday soon I'll make you mine,  
Then I'll have ramen all the time!

Naruto: Ohhhhh!

I want Ramen! I want Ramen!  
I want Ramen! I want Ramen!

Naruto: Ramen in the morning time!  
Ramen in the hot sunshine!  
Ramen, baby can't you see?  
All I want are your noodlies!

All I want are your noodlies!

Naruto: All I want are your noodlies!

All I want are your noodlies!

All I want are your noodlies!

All I want are your noodlies!  
ANBU Squad: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!  
Naruto: All I want are your noodlies!

End

Meanwhile

Gaara and Lee entered the kitchen to find Kabuto clawing at the wall.

"NO!!! I KNOW HE'S HERE!!! MASTER!!!!" the medic wailed as he threw himself against the barrier. "Ow! MASTER!!! … Ow! I'M COMING TO… OW! SAVE YOOOUU!!!!"

He then ran into the wall headfirst and knocked himself out.

"… That's… weird…" Gaara commented.

"Oh, well!" Lee walked around, grabbing various foodstuffs.

The young Kazekage looked around briefly as he waited for the other to retrieve his snacks, and only then did he notice something in the upper right hand corner of the room.

"Mmm?" Lee saw Gaara's pause in movements and turned to look in the same direction… and saw something sticking out of a large air vent that seemed to be slightly pried open, as if it had been used before.

"Gaara, what is that?" The taijutsu master blinked and walked forward to reach for the object, yanking it out and staring at it curiously. "It looks like… a plastic thing."

"Perhaps we should ask Kakashi about it…" answered the sand ninja quietly, as if fearing that someone would hear them. Lee seemed puzzled.

"Why the masochist?"

"… Just ask him."

"… Oh, ok."

Somewhere in a one-sided paradise…

Orochimaru groaned in pain as he came to his senses, eyes peeling themselves open to glance around drowsily, perhaps hoping to be able to identify where he was. He could distinguish a large blob wrapped around his own form, keeping him effectively trapped in what seemed to be a quite possessive embrace. The soft feeling underneath him had the sannin guessing he was in a bed, a very comfortable one; the same tickling feeling brushed across his shoulders, and with a wretched groan, Orochimaru turned his head around to find strands of snow white draped across his being.

The perverted sage had his face buried in the crook of Orochimaru's neck and shoulder, spooning the other in a cuddly manner. A smile was still faint on his lips from last night's activities.

"Mm…" Jiraiya nearly purred, his Adam's Apple vibrating against the trapped man and nearly making Orochimaru purr as well… for some reason or another.

A sudden pain in his lower areas made the evil sannin wince and mutter several curse words under his breath.

"Oh, Orochimaru… You _still_ haven't learned, have you?"

"… I hate you."

Meanwhile

"QUIT KILLING MY BEETLES!!!" Shino snarled at Ibiki, "I NEED THEM!!!"

"… Oh, they're yours?"

The bug master groaned, "Why?! Why me?!"

"You should like… lay him flat if it bothers you that much…" Kankuro commented.

"… That's a good idea."

WHACK!!!

"Owwie…" Ibiki's eyes rolled into his head, and he fell to the floor.

"Buzzz buzz…"

"You're welcome."

Lee walked over to Kakashi, who was sulking due to the fact that Iruka had gone to sleep- and had locked the door behind him.

"I have a question, Kakashi-Sensei…" Lee stated.

"… What?" the jonin muttered glumly.

"Well… actually, I do not have it with me… you would have to come into the kitchen."

"…" But Kakashi stood and followed him all the same, 'Icha Icha Paradise' stuck in front of his nose.

Meanwhile

"… Ugh…"

Gaara poked Kabuto with his sand, "Are you awake?"

"Meh… uhm… AH! LORD O-OROCHIMARU!!!" Kabuto shot up.

"… You are, then." Gaara poked him harder, "Stop shouting. He's obviously not here. Go look somewhere else."

Kabuto considered his advice for a moment, then nodded and ran out of the kitchen, squeezing by Lee and Kakashi.

"What is it now?" the copy ninja sighed.

"We were wondering what this thing is." Lee replied.

Kakashi's glum face vanished, replaced by a rather evil expression.

"I see… where did you find it?" he asked, once lazy eyes glimmering with a deadly aura that would have even scared Gai.

The taijutsu user pointed to the slightly open vent.

"……" Kakashi looked at the place the boy was indicating, and then his face expression vanished when he realized what this probably meant. "Excuse me for a second…"

The skilled jonin made a few quick hands signs and then vanished in a puff of smoke.

A few seconds later, he appeared in front of a very shocked Orochimaru and an overly excited Jiraiya. "Kakashi, hello!"

"… Oh, it was only you two," sighed the man in relief as he put a hand to his head, wiping the sweat away. "I was afraid someone else had found this room… but I guess that- hey, Orochimaru, what are you doing here?"

"…………" There was a long bout of silence from the sannin before he growled out, "It's not like I came here willingly."

"And I don't see Kabuto around…" continued Kakashi. The fact that he hadn't listened to the evil snake commander started to make Orochimaru slightly angrier than he already had been.

Then the man blinked. "K-Kabuto? Where is he?! Is he all right?!"

"I'm not sure," replied the copy ninja in an honest manner, tilting his head to the side. "I haven't seen him since last night… but I've been reading, so… Wasn't he sharing a room with you?"

"He WAS," Jiraiya interrupted his old team mate with a dark smile, "but he decided to stay behind."

"Behind? Behind where?" Kakashi tilted his head even more, confusion spreading across his face.

"……………" Orochimaru would have beaten the crap out of both of them then and there, but his arms were painfully pinned to his side. "Just go away, you worthless idiot."

"… I don't want to."

"… What?"

"I don't want to," Kakashi repeated as he placed his hands behind his back, the one lazy eye narrowing in amusement as he glanced up at the ceiling. "I like it here. I found this place first, after all…. Speaking of which, how did _you_ find this place?"

"…" Jiraiya became silent.

"…?"

"Don't look at me, you reading freak," the evil sannin glared at Kakashi, who was staring at him in a way that made him feel very uncomfortable. "… I said don't look at me!"

"What, is something wrong?" The copy ninja blinked as he took a step forward, head canting to the side. "You feeling all right, Orochimaru? You look awfully pale."

"I ALWAYS LOOK PALE, YOU IDIOT!!" screamed the snake commander at the top of his lungs, making Jiraiya's hair blow in the wind produced.

"Ewww, watch it… you just spit on my face, pal!" Jiraiya whined.

"PATOOIE!!" Another wad of saliva hit the sage in the eye.

"…." The toad hermit whined at that before he nuzzled Orochimaru's shoulder to get it out. "That was mean…"

"DON'T RUB IT ON ME!!"

"It's your spit," commented the other. It seemed as if no matter what the snake commander did to him, Jiraiya would remain latched to him like a lovesick puppy.

Then again, Jiraiya WAS a lovesick puppy.

Usually for girls…

Not him…

Horrid…

Yuck…

Ick…

Ah…

"Damn it…" Orochimaru swore under his breath as something hit him and made him sigh in realization.

Meanwhile…

"… 'Do not rub it on me'?" Lee turned to Gaara with a very puzzled expression, silently asking for an explanation.

The Kazekage shrugged, apparently not hearing the voice.

Lee frowned before turning and looking around, trying to find the source of the voices. They seemed to come from within the walls somewhere, somewhere near… His eyes latched onto the vent.

"… Gaara," he poked the other's shoulder and pointed to the air vent in the corner. "Do you hear anything coming from that vent over there?"

The sand ninja frowned again, his jaded eyes shifting over to where the other was pointing, and soon they locked onto the vent. Observing it carefully, he then replied, "Perhaps."

"It sounds like people are inside the ventilation system…" Lee replied, more to himself than to his partner. "Perhaps they are trapped?"

"…" Gaara shrugged.

Without consulting the other, the taijutsu user strode over to the vent and yanked the grate off, setting it aside before jumping inside. Clambering could soon be heard as Lee ran through the air duct on his hands and knees.

With a defeated sigh, Gaara scooped up the object they had found earlier and followed suit.

Back in with our happy flock…

_Crap, crap, crap, crap, CRAP!!_ Orochimaru frowned in the most uncharacteristic way he possibly could, making his face droop into a horrific scowl. His eyes narrowed sharply, to the point that they were almost completely shut.

The toad sage noticed this and turned his head towards him with a curious look in his eyes. "… What's wrong, pal? You look like you've just had something shoved up your ass…"

"…" The snake commander didn't reply at first. "… It's nothing. Nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing-"

"Oh, hello, Gaara!" Kakashi blinked at the redhead that had just popped out of the air vent after Gai's protégé. "Hello, Mini-Gai."

"…" Lee mimicked Orochimaru's face.

"… He's nothing like Gai… What are you talking about?" Gaara seemed quite convinced.

"Y-you're joking, right?" the copy ninja stared at him.

"No." Gaara frowned, "Why?"

"Um…"

"Oh, you never answered our question, Kakashi-Masochist!" Lee chimed.

Kakashi blinked, "What questio… What did you just call me?"

"Uh… Heh heh…"

"Well, whatever… Question… ques… OH! _That_ question! Of course!" Kakashi turned to the Kazekage, "Do you have it with you?" Gaara nodded. "Oh, good! Give it to Jiraiya there!" Jade eyes blinked slowly before Gaara complied. Jiraiya grinned as the object was handed to him.

"Oh, my! What a nice present! Look at what the Kazekage gave us, pal!"

Orochimaru looked… and Jiraiya then proceeded to do something very naughty…

"… AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Does that answer your question, boys?" Kakashi smirked, turning back to the teens.

Gaara and Lee had vanished in horror.

Meanwhile… Let's play a guessing game! What do you think the object was? Guess! – Author 1. It's a dildo! – Kakashi. Um… What are you doing here? The 'Meanwhile' sections are ours! – Author 1. Sorry, my bad! – Kakashi. … I just want to say that I had nothing to do with this scene, save for the 'masochist' line! Wait a sec, that face you had Orochimaru make… Is that my unhappy face?! – Author 2

"We're all gonna die down here…" Naruto moaned.

"No kidding…" Tenten stared at the ground.

"Agreed…" Temari sighed.

Ibiki shrugged. It appeared that he'd recovered from the blow Shino had dealt to him, "I said that at the very start of this whole mess."

The others blinked at them

"What are you talking about?" Kisame asked.

??? It's yet another mystery… - Author 2 … Oh goodie, goodie gumdrops… -Author 1

Tenten: Well!

Tenten, Naruto, Temari, Ibiki: We're not gonna make it!

No! No!

We're not going to make it!

'Cause there's a million better ninja,

With a million better skills:

Ninja who can transform,

And ninja who have brains!

Tenten: Deep, in my heart…

I do believe…

Tenten, Naruto, Temari, Ibiki: Well, we're not gonna make it!

No! No!

We're not gonna make it,

'Cause we don't have the talent,

And we don't have the time!

We don't have the patience,

And we just can't make hand signs!

Tenten: Deep, in my heart…

I do believe…

Tenten, Naruto, Temari, Ibiki: Well!

We're not gonna make it!

No! No!

We're not gonna make it!

Say no, no, no, no,

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

No, no, no, no,

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

No, no, no, no

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

We're not going to make it!

End

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no…" Shikamaru slurred happily.

Meanwhile, in Gaara's room…

"…" Lee was completely silent, large eyes abnormally wide as he sat down on the bed with Gaara beside him, who seemed a bit disturbed as well.

"Ugh…" The Kazekage frowned.

After a good moment of silence, Lee's eyes returned to normal and he then turned to the other at his side, "Gaara?"

"Hmm?"

Lee caught his gaze and held it fast, eyes seeming to speak words deeper than any famed philosopher or renowned psychologist could come up with. The taijutsu specialist let a hand slowly slide over to rest upon the other's. "I have something to say…"

Gaara's heart sank, thinking that Lee had finally realized that a reject like himself was not suited for someone as perfect as the handsome Rock Lee. "These last few days have… meant a lot to me. They have showed me things I never thought I would see, and they have given me something to call my own. You know not how long I have chased the one thing I desired more than anything."

Gaara waited for the harsh words of reality to fall. "… They gave me you."

The redhead's eyes whipped up again, wide in shock. Sure, they had made love together, and a few other… things had happened, but that wasn't the same as what he thought Lee believed to be love.

"I want us to be together-"

This couldn't be happening…

"-forever-"

Was this really happening to him?

"-and never be torn apart."

Was Lee saying what he thought he was saying?

"Gaara, for the sake of us being together," Lee began to finish, "please, make love to me again."

If the Kazekage's eyes had gotten any wider, they would have popped out of his head and rolled about on the floor, leaving him blind. He just couldn't believe it… It wasn't possible…

"I love you, Gaara. I love you more than anything else in all the world… and I want to be with you forever."

"… E-even more than…" The redhead began to stammer, still at a loss for words. "More than… that Sensei of yours?"

"…" There was a pause as the other seemed to ponder on the question. "I guess so. Yes, more than Gai-Sensei."

Something deep within the once-demonic teen seemed to click, perhaps a sudden dawn of realization that triggered an emotion deep within him. It may have been the passionate lust towards his newfound love or the enlightenment that kept his now re-sewn heart together.

"Lee…" The free hand that was not being covered by the spandex-wearing taijutsu user soon found its way up the other's side, caressing the material-clad skin as much as it possibly could. "Lee… Lee…"

He wanted to cry…

"I… I…" His vision blurred.

He felt his eyes spill over for the second time in over eight years.

"No… do not cry…" Lee reached over and touched his face. "Do not…"

"L-Lee…" he shook slightly, "… I don't… I c-can't… I… Ah…"

Konoha's Handsome Devil leaned forward and kissed him, and suddenly it didn't matter how foreign the emotions within him were. He had to say something, anything… To say nothing was to suffocate in his unspoken words.

"Ahh… I need you, Lee! I need you!" he threw himself upon the leaf ninja, who slid his arms around his neck. Their lips met again and again.

"Yes…" Lee gasped, eyes glazed.

Sand was spinning dizzyingly around them, but neither noticed. Gaara tore away at Lee's suit desperately, still weeping because it hurt terribly, and he wasn't used to pain of any kind, let alone this.

But when he forced his eyes open, he saw that Lee was crying as well.

"I-I love you, Gaara. I love y-you…" he choked out.

"Ah… Lee, Lee…"

The two of them began to chant brokenly to one another as the sand entombed them once more. Lee cried out the words that Gaara had never before been told, while the Kazekage could only manage to sob out the name of the one who loved him.

Meanwhile

Kakashi walked out of the kitchen, smirking to himself. He nearly tripped over Kabuto, who was lying on the floor, misery etched onto his features.

"Where…" Kabuto moaned, "Where could he have gone?"

"Still looking for Orochimaru, Kabuto?" Kakashi sounded very cheerful.

"Who else would I be looking for?!" the medic snapped.

Kakashi's smirk widened under his mask, "I'll tell you what; go stand by the air vent in the kitchen and listen. You might find the experience… enlightening."

Kabuto blinked, but decided to take the jonin's advice.

In the kitchen…

Kabuto knelt by the vent, frowning. He got the eerie feeling that something very bad was about to happen. Then…

"… AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

"Lord Orochimaru!" he cried, horrified. The medic tore away the screen and clambered inside. He ran through the system hunched over, a kunai in one hand.

"DAMN IT!!!!" Orochimaru howled from a nearby area. Kabuto charged towards it, threw himself out into a room and…

"… K-Kabuto?" whined the evil sannin weakly, eyes wide with a mix of horror and relief.

"……" Kabuto's mouth was gaped to an alarming standard. "I… I thought you didn't want to do this with him."

"I DO!!" screamed the other, although he then caught himself and screamed again, "I MEAN I DON'T!!!"

The medic's eyes began to wibble, his bottom lip quivering as he took a single step back… only to be pulled onto the bed along side the one he served; Kabuto's eyes grew remarkably wide as Jiraiya's hands soon began to work on disposing of his clothes.

"This is perfect!" Jiraiya smirked, "I've always wanted to have a threesome… I have to admit, I didn't approve of this silver-haired, glasses-wearing medic… but I've gotten over it!"

Both Orochimaru and Kabuto began to cry.

Haha, bet you didn't see that one coming. – Author 1 … I feel so bad for them… - Author 2

Kakashi frowned as he stood in front of his door, scratching the nape of his neck as he thought of how to get inside… and then he realized that he was being stupid. He could just teleport, duh…

A poof later, the copy ninja stood over his partner- who was facing the wall with his arms folded across his chest. Kakashi didn't need to see his face to tell that a pout was on his lips.

The annoyed, pissed off chuunin nearly jumped when he felt the bed move, arms soon leaving his chest to flail about pathetically, "Gah!!", but they were soon pinned back to their original place against his side.

"Irukaaa…" cooed the copy ninja, his unmasked face finding its way to Iruka's cheek and letting the soft velvet tongue slip across the other's skin. "You know it's not nice to lock your lover out."

Iruka growled, "You humiliated me in front of _everyone_, Kakashi."

"I'm sorry… it was rude of me."

"You'd better be, you selfish bastard."

"I'm not selfish. I care about you a lot, Iruka."

"…"

"I love you."

"… I hate it when you do that."

"Well, it works every time!"

Iruka sighed.

"Don't worry, love! I'll make it up to you!"

Iruka's eyes flickered oddly. Oh, you will, Kakashi… you will… 

He dug something out from underneath the pillows, then sank it into Kakashi's arm.

"Hey! What are-" he blinked, then fell over, unconscious.

_Thanks, Kabuto! _Iruka grinned, _I'll pay you back for the knock-out drug later…_

Meanwhile…

Orochimaru slid back against the headboard with a lustful growl, gasping for air while Kabuto crawled on top of the sannin and lay there, purring blissfully. This only made Jiraiya scowl as he sat up and caught his breath. He watched the two carefully, and there was an obvious trace of jealousy in his eyes; even after participating in a threesome, he was still envious of the silver-haired medic.

"You know…" stated the toad sage slowly, "I wish ol' Orochimaru would purr on top of me like that…"

The other sannin peeled open an eye to stare hollowly at the other. After having many inner monologues with himself, the snake commander soon realized that not only did he like his precious Kabuto very much… but he was starting to become addicted to his old companion… and he was frightened of that. "… Yeah, I'm sure you wish that."

Jiraiya whined. "You still don't love me? After all this?"

The poor confused snake summoner's heart nearly threw itself out of his chest and Orochimaru was forced to not answer, otherwise his body might have done something that would have scared him further. The more he stared at Jiraiya, the more he wanted to… _No… no… must not think about stuff like that…. Disgusting…. Yuck…_

The white-haired sannin soon cleared his throat. "I'll tell you a bit about it…"

??? Heheheh… - Author 2

Jiraiya: It's not unusual to be loved by anyone!

It's not unusual to have fun with anyone!

But when I see you hanging about with anyone,

It's not unusual to see me cry!

Oh, I wanna die…

Orochimaru: … Uh…

Jiraiya: It's not unusual to go out at any time,

But when I see you out and about; it's such a crime!

If you should ever want to be loved by anyone,

It's not unusual;

Jiraiya and random ANBU Chicks: It happens every day,

No matter what you say!

Jiraiya: You find it happens all the time!

Jiraiya and random ANBU Chicks: Love will never do,

What you want it to!

Jiraiya: Why can't this crazy love be mine?!

Orochimaru: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?!

ANBU Chicks: EEP!

Jiraiya: It's not unusual to be mad with anyone!

It's not unusual to be sad with anyone…

But if I ever find that you've changed at anytime…

It's not unusual-

Orochimaru: To find out I'm in love you!

Whoa-oh-oh-oh! Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh!

Whoa-oh-oh-oh! Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh!

Kabuto: … B-but… sob…

End

"… But… but…" Kabuto stammered, eyes filling with tears, "But…."

"Aww… your boy-toy is so cute, Orochimaru!" Jiraiya grinned.

"Yes, he i… did I just say that out loud….? No… I couldn't have… no! It's not possible!!! YOU RAPED ME!!! HOW CAN… NOT… POSSIBLE!!!!"

"Sob… " Kabuto hid his face in one of the pillows.

"Aww… You made your boy-toy cry, pal!" Jiraiya frowned, "That's not nice!"

"I DIDN'T MAKE HIM CRY, YOU TOAD-KISSING FREAK!! YOU MADE HIM CRY!!!"

In the main room

"I like clouds…" Shikamaru smiled. He'd run out of mushrooms, and was now quite sober.

"No, really?" Choji rolled his eyes.

Naruto sighed on the ground, then sat up in sudden realization, "Hey… Where the hell is Sasuke?! I haven't seen him all day!"

"Hmm…" Shikamaru thought for a moment, "I think I saw him with his brother last night…"

"WHAT?!" everyone stared at the druggie.

"… There was something kind of odd about Sasuke… he wasn't talking and…" Shikamaru's eyes widened in horror, "OH, MY GODS!!!! The emo-freak took Sasuke!!!! And I helped him do it!!!! SHIT!!!!"

"WHAT?!" Naruto shot forward and grabbed Shikamaru's vest, "HOW?! **HOW THE HELL DID THEY GET OUT OF HERE?!**"

Shikamaru hesitated, then pointed. Everyone stared, then looked rather sick with themselves.

"To be honest, I thought you all knew about it, so I didn't say anything…" the shadow master seemed a bit embarrassed, "Sorry…"

Meanwhile, and I must state that the following scene takes place a few minutes after… just as the three in the 'room' are about to leave… and then they forget it and have a more graphic threesome. Enjoy… and by the way, you idiots better like it. On paper, it was seven pages long, DOUBLE-SIDED, and took me forever to write, due to I didn't want to rush it like the others. SO ENJOY IT, YOU MISERABLE YAOI-CRAVING WORMS!! –Author 1 … Yeah, it's pretty big… I think you seriously overdid it on this one, dude. – Author 2

The following abridged scene has been brought to you by Author 2… ////.

Orochimaru: Sob…

Jiraiya and Kabuto: YAY!!!

…

Jiraiya: Hahaha…

Kabuto: Lord Orochimaru! Save me!

Orochimaru: …

Kabuto: AHHH!!!

…

Orochimaru and Kabuto: Vengeance…

Jiraiya? … AH!! AAAHHH!!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! ARGLE BARGLE10!!!

Orochimaru and Kabuto: Heheheh…

Jiraiya: Sob…

Here's the real version… yay…

Orochimaru groaned as he slid down the wall with Kabuto behind him and Jiraiya in front, the toad hermit running his rough hands across the silky expansion of the snake summoner's chest. His fingers gently massaged some of the spots they found, especially teasing the barely flushed nubs. The medic underneath the ultimate victim played with Orochimaru's pant line, hands slipping inside without notice thanks to the distraction performed by the oldest sannin as he smothered Orochimaru's lips with his own, biting and sucking every inch it could get.

The other moaned at the combined efforts as he let his hands rise to tangle within the snowy locks before him, then yanked the head further down upon his own. His eyes soon began to roll into the back of his head; Jiraiya slipped his tongue into the awaiting cavern, stroking the snake commander's wet muscle with his own, and was delighted when the other's tongue instantly entwined with his. He pulled the ebony-haired man's tongue into his mouth and began sucking furiously upon it, nearly drying it out.

Kabuto's free hand- the one that wasn't busy investigating Orochimaru's lower areas- soon began to join the hermit's hands in their journey across the evil sannin's chest, tweaking pink nipples and rolling them in his palm, thus eliciting a desperate cry from the one caught in between. It was now obvious to Kabuto why Jiraiya had suggested a threesome. Oh… this was heaven… He could fell his manhood pressing tightly against Orochimaru's backside, even through the material of his pants… and if it continued at the rate it was, it would soon do things he had never thought possible.

"Gahh…" Orochimaru writhed between them as his thinking circuits were completely fried. His eyes closed completely and he couldn't help but purr at the feeling of Jiraiya working on his throat, creating several hickie marks along the length of his neck… And there was the way Kabuto was beginning to create similar marks upon the nape of his neck as well... The way the two of them alternated their movements was starting to make him feel… complete for the first time…

"You like this, pal?" Jiraiya's soothing voice reached his ears, sending shivers up his spinal cord.

The only response he could muster was a throaty growl to show his approval.

"He's enjoying it…" replied Kabuto with a groan, "I can tell by that… geh… It feels so…"

"So good…" finished the snake master, "Beautiful… Oh, Gods, Jiraiya… geh… I… I…"

"Hmm?" purred the toad hermit as he licked the other's cheek, gaining another moan in return.

"N-need it… I need it. I need more…" gasped the man as he struggled to remain sane, which was not going well, "P-please, Kabuto… J-Ji…"

"Come on…"

"J… Jiraiya! Gah-hah!!" Orochimaru cried out as Jiraiya rocked his hips against his. The friction transferred through the black-haired man to the groaning medic behind him, making all three of them shudder in absolute ecstasy.

"Is… is there something you want, my old friend?" the sage sucked in another breath as he tried to prevent himself from screwing the snake sannin senseless, his quick-working hands beginning to rid Orochimaru of his robe and shirt. Once the garments were removed, the toad summoner began to touch and caress everything he could reach, roaming and teasing… Oh, how he waited for the other to willingly moan underneath him!

Kabuto smiled as he heard his master whimper and writhe against both him and Jiraiya. His own lovemaking noises soon accompanied the other's, only succeeding in spurring on the hermit's passionate actions.

"Ah… yesss… want something…" the other mumbled something incoherent, but Jiraiya seemed to be able to decipher it, for he let forth a lop-sided grin.

"Tell me what you want and I'll gladly give it to you…"

"A-anything?"

"Mhm…"

"Gah…" Orochimaru whined and whimpered, "I want… want… I want… y-" He failed to hold back another moan as Kabuto began to suck on his earlobe, making it that much harder for him to think.

Jiraiya wanted to hear it so badly… the hermit had lost all hope of talking his old, secret crush out into the open after Orochimaru's betrayal of Konoha- of him. It was why he had so quickly surrounded himself with women. "Please… say it to me. Say it so the nightmares will go away…"

The medic on the bottom soon began to understand the white-haired sannin's motives, considering what had most likely happened between the other two in the past. He also considered himself lucky- lucky to be here to help relieve his master of his pent-up emotions. It was as if Jiraiya had a better claim to the snake summoner than he did.

Yet, he loved his Lord Orochimaru deeply. He and Jiraiya now had something in common, the same person to love, ravish, and protect.

"I… I want you, Jiraiya… want you… love… you…" stammered Orochimaru as he cast his head back in pure bliss. Tears began to stream down his pale cheeks, only to be licked up by his old comrade, "S-so… so sorry…"

"Shh…" Jiraiya hushed him by laying his head against the other's neck and shoulder, "Y-you don't need to apologize a-anymore… it's all right."

"But what… what have I done? What was I thinking?!"

"Shhh… it's okay…"

Kabuto was nearly in tears as well; he had thought that Orochimaru would never acknowledge his actions as wrong… much less confess his true feelings towards the particularly perverted sage. Perhaps the snake master had held the feelings back all along. In an attempt to help soothe the weeping sannin, he began to press soft and delicate kisses against Orochimaru's bare back.

"K-Kabuto…" whimpered the man as he clung to Jiraiya fiercely, his neck and throat being enveloped with a sacred feeling that he absolutely loved. He never wanted this experience to end.

"… Shh…" Kabuto whispered to his master, trying to calm the frequent, muffled sobs.

"I'm so sorry…" Orochimaru choked on his tears as he desperately began to rid Jiraiya of his clothes while the medic behind him worked on the snake tamer's pants. They soon joined the pile of discarded fabric and within a few seconds, all three were nude and warm upon the king-sized bed.

"Do you still want us?" Jiraiya stroked his comrade's chest in loving affection. The medic blinked.

Orochimaru whimpered as Jiraiya pulled Kabuto over and whispered something to the curious medic, who smirked and nodded as the neglected one continued to whine. "Please…"

The snake leader gasped suddenly as he felt a hot pair of lips envelop his erect manhood, the suction pulling lightly at the tip. He soon began to writhe again as the one who held him captive raked his teeth across his member's underside.

Kabuto grinned in triumph as he continued to tease his new lover, only lifting his lower body to let the toad hermit slip underneath and…

"GAHH!!" the black-haired sannin bucked as he felt a tongue press at his entrance and wiggle around teasingly, nearly making Orochimaru fall off the bed. Kabuto quickly bound the flailing man's hands to the headboard with one of the bedsheets, frustrating the snake summoner even more… Yet it aroused him as well.

The medic gently released the captive organ before retorting, "This is payback for everything you did to me, Lord Orochimaru."

"Ha… ha… W-well… don't stop now… F-feels too g-good…" moaned the other as he bucked a second time thanks to Jiraiya, who was having the time of his life. The poor serpent sannin groaned when two pairs of hands slipped up his lower torso and began to stretch across, rubbing the slightly scarred skin and tracing every curve, as if to map him out. Kabuto and Jiraiya both smirked; the medic began to suck harder while the toad hermit slowly pushed his tongue in and softly stroked the inside, making his old friend cry as he pleaded for release from the torture. He could feel the pulsing energy bubble up inside of him, and as it strengthened into a frenzied rush to the end of a tunnel, Orochimaru's whimpers and writhes turned to pleasurable screams and thrashes.

Then Jiraiya hit the one spot inside of him that made everything vanish in a white light that made him see stars. A throaty cry escaped from him as Kabuto quickly began to swallow the slightly salty substance that filled his mouth. He made sure to suck the other dry, cleaning him thoroughly. The medic smiled as he let his own body rest upon Jiraiya's backside, suppressing a groan of his own as his manhood rubbed against the sage.

Jiraiya smirked as he pulled away from the other sannin and turned his head to Kabuto with a malevolent gleam in his eyes… and Kabuto raised his eyebrows in confusion, "… What? Why are you staring at me like… oh, no. No, no way! No! S-stay back! Back, I say!!" AHHH!!!"

The silver-haired shinobi squeaked as Jiraiya took the other end of the bedsheets that kept Orochimaru tied to the headboard and easily bound Kabuto to the spot where he was- that is, slumped over him. The young man whined and writhed gently… which only succeeded in squishing his member against the other's back. "L-Lord Orochimaru! Help!"

Unfortunately for Kabuto, the snake man was nearly out cold, his head cast back against the pillows in pure and absolute ecstasy, bathing in the wonderful afterglow of his orgasm.

"Your turn, Kabuto…" the smile continued to creep across Jiraiya's face before he suddenly bucked upwards, creating an addictive friction between them that left Kabuto at a loss for coherent words.

"Ahh!" the ninja whimpered pathetically as he found himself bagging for mercy, "Please! That… ugh… it feels so nice…"

"You want more?" Jiraiya cooed as he reached around to grope the younger male's ass, "Hmm?"

"G-Gods, yesss…" Kabuto hissed in pleasure, winding his arms around Jiraiya's waist and pressing his body as close as was physically possible, gaining a grunt of approval from the other.

"Kabuto…" growled the toad summoner, a glint of sheer lust in his eyes, "Put your hair down. I'll bet you look damn sexy with it draped across your shoulders."

"You think so?" the medic smirked, reaching up to slowly do as he was told. He made sure to tease his captor by stalling… and as soon as the hair band was down, Jiraiya's mouth dropped.

"Ahh… Ahh… Oh, my Gods…" Jiraiya's voice was trembling as he reached up to touch the angelic vision behind him despite the awkward position, and the instant his digits wove neatly into the lengths, the hermit's brain malfunctioned and he soon began to drool… The liquid landed on Orochimaru's torso.

The snake commander managed to peel an eyelid open. "… His hair is down, isn't it?"

"Yeah…" Jiraiya murmured faintly.

Both sannin drooled.

Unfortunately for Jiraiya, a slight bouncing motion brought him back from wherever his thoughts had previously been, and his eyes widened as Kabuto began to hump him persistently… but he soon began to moan underneath the heat and friction that developed from it, "Oh, my G-… My Gods, Kabuto… Ah… Oh, Gods… don't you dare stop…"

"Ugh…" was the other's reply, and he sped up. Orochimaru could be heard grunting as well from the vibrations.

The faster Kabuto bounced, the further he slipped down the older man's back, and with a stifled cry, he found his very erect member pressing into the sage's crack. "Oh, my G… Ah… AH!!"

Kabuto cried out as he clawed at Jiraiya's back in an attempt to free himself from the torment that his pulsing cock was experiencing between Jiraiya's butt cheeks, and his hands, slick with sweat, slipped around the hermit's body again to feverishly pump the other's member. Before they knew it, the two were bouncing so high off the bed that all three men feared it would break… but for now, none of them cared for anything save each other and the blissful feeling that exploded between the toad sage and the medic.

Kabuto came hard, gasping as he felt his seed running down not just Jiraiya's legs, but his own as well. His eyes rolled into the back of his head, and he slumped over the hermit's back and struggled for breath, muttering something about it 'being perfect.'

"That was a very nice display," smirked the snake master, his eyes glistening as he watched Kabuto twitch and moan from the aftermath. But it was as he observed Jiraiya, whose breath was ragged and whose manhood was standing straight, that he got another cruel and ruthless idea.

Revenge was bittersweet, so they said, but Orochimaru had always found it to his liking.

"Jiraiya…" Orochimaru smiled sweetly, his snake-like eyes keen and observant as he tugged gently against his bonds, "Please… untie me? Pretty please?"

The retort seemed slightly amused, "Are you willing to give me something in return?"

"Of course…" The cloth was unknotted and before Jiraiya knew what was happening, he found himself bound tightly to where Orochimaru had once been… and he nearly forgot to breathe. It was a good thing Orochimaru had released Kabuto as well…

The snake sannin purred as he crawled across the sage's body, making sure that every part of their bodies glided against one another's with the silent grace of a serpent. Jiraiya immediately began to drool as he found the golden eyes boring down into his own dark ones.

"It's payback tiiimee…" cooed the dominant man as his snake-like tongue slipped out to wipe across his lips in an attempt to both wet them slightly, and arouse his soon-to-be-screaming teammate.

It worked.

Jiraiya shuddered with long-held lust, "W-what are you scheming this time, Orochimaru?"

"Oh… Jiraiya, Jiraiya, Jiraiya… _When will you ever learn?_" The familiar statement made the hermit drool even more, "Ever heard of 'gang rape'?

The toad sage's stomach did a flip, "Y-you're going to-"

"That's right," the other nodded with a sarcastic grin, "You're going to scream so much that you'll be hoarse tomorrow… and then we'll do it again… and again… and again…"

Jiraiya wanted to do a song and dance right then and there; his greatest dream was about to come true: Orochimaru was going to screw him senseless! His biggest crush was going to do the unbelievable. Oh, Gods, how he'd waited for this day…

"I'll scream as many times as you want me to, love," Jiraiya purred with another lop-sided grin, "Just screw me good."

The snake summoner then motioned for Kabuto to come closer, and as he began to whisper into his ear, a demonic look soon played across his face. With a nod, he turned around and headed promptly into the restroom. Jiraiya blinked in confusion, but Orochimaru replied with a smirk, "Oh, he'll be back… but in the meantime, I'd best get you ready for your punishment."

"Punishment?" the hermit echoed with a blink, "And what have I done to deserve this punishment?"

There was a long pause of silence as Jiraiya watched the other's grin grow even wider.

"It wouldn't be much fun if I told you, now would it?" came the long-awaited reply, and Jiraiya squeaked uncharacteristically as he felt his butt being raised to stuff a few pillows underneath it.

"Will it… hurt at all?"

"How would I know?" Orochimaru leaned forward to press their noses together, "After all, _I've_ always enjoyed pain."

"…" the poor hermit then realized he was definitely going to be in for it.

After a few moments of silence between the old friends, Kabuto reappeared, and Jiraiya had an instant nosebleed at the vision before him…

Kabuto had drenched himself with water so that his silvery hair slung to his shoulders and rippled down his back, his eyes glistening as he let a tongue snake out to moisten his lips. His muscles practically glowed with an inner radiance. With a slight growl of pleasure, the medic ran a hand up his own torso and succeeded in making the sage groan.

"You want him, don't you?" Orochimaru's face was mixed with both malevolence and amusement as he forced himself to maintain control- after all, no one could resist Kabuto when he went all out- as he watched his old teammate fawn over his subordinate.

It was some time before Jiraiya could breathe, "… W-want him? Gods, Orochimaru, I don't want him. I _need_ him… not as much as you of course, but…"

A sweat-drop formed on the side of the other's face, "…"

"What? What's the ma-" the sage was cut off. The snake summoner had straddled the white-haired toad master's waist and had already positioned his member for penetration. Their eyes met, and it was then that Jiraiya remembered why he liked the other male so much. Those golden optics could ensnare you in an instant…

Kabuto soon joined his master. He climbed over to sit atop Jiraiya's chest with a leg draped over either side, his eyes alight before he pushed forward and forced Jiraiya to make room in his mouth for the already swelling erection that was demanding entrance. The sage's eyes widened to the point where they would have popped out of his head- if they'd been given the chance to, for the man was only able to see the smirks of the two others before he was suddenly blindfolded. He began to thrash lightly until he gasped, for…

For Orochimaru had left out the preparation step and had gone straight to the infiltration of Jiraiya's inner rings, eliciting a desperate cry of both pain and pleasure from the perverted hermit. He yanked at his bonds fiercely and his heart rate instantly increased at an alarming rate, almost giving him the feeling that he was going to have a heart attack. The sage began to panic, yet the extreme ecstasy that was coursing through his veins was keeping him from completely blacking out.

"O-Orochi…" cried the snow-haired sannin as he struggled furiously, trying to get away from the extreme torture. It was driving him insane, "Gah! Please, at least let me see what you're doing to meee…"

"Pfff," came the reply as Orochimaru began to speed up, "No way in hell, Jiraiya. It's much more fun when you can't do ANYTHING."

Jiraiya wanted to cry, although he probably wouldn't have been allowed to do that either… What a mean lover he had…

He would have opened his mouth to protest further, but Kabuto kept him busy as he pushed his cock further into the sage's mouth, nearly making the man choke as he struggled to adjust to the large organ that was nearly being shoved down his throat.

Kabuto whimpered at the constriction around his member, making the hermit realize that he could still gain control if he used this situation to his advantage, so he did it again. Of course, he gained the same reaction, and this only made Jiraiya smile… until the snake sannin slammed into him full force.

He wanted to cry, although whether it was out of pain or pleasure, he wasn't quite sure. A low humming began to stir in him, and even though he was partially occupied by the silver-haired medic, Orochimaru was still the one that dominated his thoughts. When this was over… if it ever was over…

Then his eyes widened painfully under the cloth, for the soft, cool feeling of metal slipped over his manhood just as he was about to dive into his own blissful afterglow, and the terrible truth came over him like a tidal wave of needles.

"Oh, don't worry," came the not-so-reassuring reassurance of the evil sannin, "I'll make sure you've felt the full fury of my thirst for vengeance before I remove that 'handy little trinket.'"

"… Mmm!" Jiraiya whimpered as his hands grappled the headboard with his fingers. Kabuto purred in delight from the sensation in his lower areas, and with a quick glance back to Orochimaru, who nodded, he reached behind his backside and groped the sage's erected member. The sage instantly yelped in surprise and, in a futile attempt to gain more from the silver-haired medic, pushed upwards.

Orochimaru grabbed a hold of the hermit's hips and forcefully pushed them into the mattress to keep the other from moving too much, and Jiraiya's frequent whimpers soon began to morph into desperate cries. He could feel the dull, resonating purr in his groin start to work its way towards the surface, but to his absolute dismay, wasn't allowed to go past the metal ring. The white-haired toad sage thrashed in slight frustration as he was forced to squirm and move a bit differently when his old teammate began to speed up.

"Mmph!" came the soft cry of protest that managed to escape around the sides of Kabuto's erection, and due to the feeling it provided, liquid suddenly poured into the back of his throat. Jiraiya gagged and struggled to swallow it without choking. A body soon slumped onto his chest, mixing their sweat together as Kabuto gasped for air above him.

Orochimaru was only fueled to push in faster and faster, and soon, his eyes began to loll to the back of his head while Jiraiya continued to writhe against the two above him. To the hermit's relief, Kabuto pulled out of his mouth and allowed him to breathe a bit more easily.

"Oh, come on!" Jiraiya nearly cried, "You can't seriously… it's-it's not fa-a-ah!! AH!!"

A flash of blinding white light interrupted him, sending a bolt of pleasure through his body. Orochimaru seemed to have found the one spot inside of him that drove him desperately to towards the end of a tunnel… only to be blocked off half-way by a ring of steel. The hermit began to worry that perhaps since the exit was blocked off, it would soon begin to flood his system and make him unable to function for several days.

"GAHH!!" the snake sannin choked on his breath as he came inside the toad sage, only making Jiraiya cry even more, for the ring continued to torture him while his partner found release. Just as the perverted sage thought his friend was done… Orochimaru suddenly sped up again.

_YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS!!_ Jiraiya's eyes widened beneath the cloth as he soon began to see stars over and over… and over… and soon he couldn't see anything but. If he continued at this rate, he'd most likely go blind. He has an incredible amount of stamina… and his chakra control is way above min… Oh, Gods, please make this over quick. I don't think I can last that… that… long…

Orochimaru stopped when he noticed Jiraiya go limp, and with a slow extraction of his manhood, reached forward to remove the cloth from around the sage's eyes…

And found him out cold.

"…" the snake commander blinked in slight amusement, "Well… I wasn't expecting that… but, oh, well!"

He slipped off the metal ring and was surprised as about four orgasms' worth of semen spilled onto the sheets… Kabuto looked up briefly.

"… Did he pass out?"

"Looks like it."

Both Kabuto and Orochimaru snickered at how weak and fragile the hermit had been.

"You know, Kabuto…" mused the snake summoner as he came up to rest his head on top of the left side of Jiraiya's chest, idly stroking the bare abdomen, "Who would have ever thought?"

"Thought what, Lord Orochimaru?"

"About this… It all seems so…"

"Unpredictable?"

"I suppose that would be an applicable term, yes. Unpredictable."

"… I see," Kabuto's eyes flickered briefly across Jiraiya's face before he reached up and undid the sage's bonds so he wouldn't wake up numb, "I had a feeling that something like this would happen someday."

Orochimaru blinked as he caught Kabuto's gaze, "How so?"

"The body often says things that the host does not… most of the time, it's unintentional…" the medic sighed as he put his head down on Jiraiya as well. This statement only made Orochimaru stare even more, obviously confused.

A moment of silence hung between the two of them as they rested there peacefully. Neither spoke as they listened to their own heartbeats and breathing as if to let the rhythm put them to sleep… and soon Kabuto dropped off and began to snore.

"… Heh," a small smirk formed on Orochimaru's face as he gently looked upon the face of his old comrade, and he pulled himself up enough to plant a soothing kiss upon the toad hermit's lips, almost in a passionate manner that one would say Orochimaru was incapable of. He pulled away regretfully, "Perhaps when you regain consciousness, I'll give you a proper apology."

Only moments later, he drifted off to sleep as well.

In the Morning- the scene is over, by the way

"-Wakey, wakey!"

"Ohh…"

"…"

"ARGH!!!"

Jiraiya scooped both Kabuto and Orochimaru into his very possessive and very bone-crushing embrace, which reduced them to lengthy gasps and struggles. No matter how much they moved, the other still continued to hold onto them. "You know… we probably should get going. Everyone else is probably worried about us."

The two whined, although Orochimaru was flushing slightly.

Meanwhile

"WHY THE HELL DIDN'T WE SEE THAT BEFORE?! WE'RE A BUNCH OF RETARDS!!!" everyone screamed simultaneously.

"That's what Itachi said…" Shikamaru nodded.

"… Sasuke…" Naruto had gone quite pale.

"Heellloooo!!!!!" Jiraiya beamed at everyone, Kabuto slung over one shoulder and Orochimaru tied to the other. Kabuto was crying hopelessly, "… What's with the sad faces… Why are you staring at us? What?"

"… You idiot…" Tsunade sighed.

"Perv…" Naruto muttered.

"We found a way out!" Kisame cried suddenly.

"What?! Where?! I want out!! I want out NOW!!!" Orochimaru struggled as he spoke, but to no avail. He was trapped.

Everyone pointed.

"… Why the hell didn't w-we s-see that bef-fore?" Kabuto sobbed.

"We're a bunch of retards!" Orochimaru groaned. _If only I'd seen that! This never would have happened. DAMN!!! DAMN!!!! DAMN!!!!!!!_

"That's what we said!" everyone chimed.

…

"You go get them, Gai!" Kankuro snarled, "Lee's YOUR student!"

"NO!!!" Gai wailed, "I W-WON'T D-DO IT!!! Y-YOU DO IT!!!!"

"Don't look at me… I'm not doing it," Temari hissed.

Kankuro sighed, "F-fine! Fine! I'll do it! But you owe me big time, Mr. Bowl-cut!" The puppet master walked up to his brother's room and knocked sharply, knowing it was hopeless. Gaara slept like a log. "GAARA!!! OPEN UP!!! I'M NOT COMING IN THERE UNLESS YOU DON'T ANSWER AND I DOUBT YOU WANT ME TO ANYWAY!!! UNDERSTAND?!"

The door opened…

"What is it?" Lee frowned at him, "You woke me up."

Kankuro started in surprise, "Um… well… we found a way out, and we're gonna leave in an hour, so… you should probably… uh…"

"Oh!" the leaf ninja shut the door in his face.

"… Rude little thing…" Kankuro grumbled.

"WHAAAAAHHHH!!!!!"

The others sighed in resignation.

In Gaara and Lee's Room…

"Gaara! Wake up! …" Lee prodded him. The Kazekage didn't react.

He jumped on the bed, "Gaara! Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wa-"

"… Huh?" Gaara stirred slightly.

"Gaara! WAKE UP!!!"

"What? Oh…" Gaara sat up slowly. "Something wrong?"

"Your brother says the others found the way out."

"Ah… I was wondering when they would notice it…" the redhead nodded.

Lee's eyes widened, "You saw it as well?"

"Well… yes…" Gaara blinked, "What do you mean by 'as well'?"

"Uh… well… I did not want to say anything because… well…"

Gaara's lips curved up, "Not surprising. I did the same thing… How long do we have?"

"Kankuro said an hour." Lee replied.

The Kazekage thought for a moment, "… Shower…" he muttered.

"What?"

"Come on…" he grabbed Lee's hand and led him into the bathroom.

In Neji's Room

"Ah… my eyes…" Neji hissed. He had already gathered up his belongings, but now he was stuck in his room with a wet cloth pressed over his eyes.

"Why do they hurt so much…?"

His door opened.

"Who's there?!" the Hyuga teen growled.

"Me!"

"Naruto… Yay…"

Naruto frowned, "You all right, dude?"

"Oh, just fine," Neji retorted, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

"… Do you think Sasuke will be all right?"

"Highly unlikely." Naruto sighed, then left, disappointed.

"Ow!" Neji felt like his eyes were on fire. "Owww… Uhn…"

He curled up on his bed.

Someone else knocked on his door.

"G-go away!" But his door opened, and someone ran to his side in concern.

"Brother! Are you all right?!" _Oh, great…_

Hinata fretted over him, "Oh, do you need help?! Can I help you?! Are you sick again?! Are you hurt?! Where?! How?!"

Gods damn it… 

Back in Gaara's Room

The sound of water soon filled the small bathroom as Gaara pulled on the shower knob, frowning when his bare hand was covered in cold droplets. His jaded eyes flickered once to Lee, who was already unclothing himself, and then he sighed as he began to undress as well.

"… The water's cold," commented the Kazekage.

Lee turned to stare at him oddly before he reached out towards the shower, sticking his hand in briefly before pulling it away. "That is because when you turned it on, you did not twist the knob to the left. See?" He turned it and stuck his hand back in.

Gaara's hand soon accompanied his, and the sand ninja frowned again. "… It's warm."

"… Yes, it is warm." Lee took the other's hand and stepped into the shower, Gaara in tow, and the two of them just stood there, under the shower head like a pile of rocks. Black orbs of ebony clashed with jade once before the two teenagers met, Gaara attacking the sweet spot on the taijutsu master's throat.

"Meh…" A sigh escaped Lee's slightly parted lips as he gently cast his head back, letting the other explore his body as he pleased. "Should… should we not wash down first before we do something like this?"

The only reply was a grunt of disapproval from Gaara, who was busy creating a large hickie near the boy's collarbone.

"I… I guess not…"

"Don't worry. It's not like I'm going to order you to get down on the floor for me."

"?"

"… So I can screw you."

"… OH! I see." Lee looked enlightened… and then he frowned. "… You are not?"

"Unfortunately, we don't have time. We can do stuff like that once we get home."

"Oh, ok… wait, my home or your home?"

"…" Gaara seemed to think about it for a while before he replied, "My home."

"Oh, ok-HEY! I cannot go to Sunagakure! It is too far!"

"That's only if we walk. I can teleport."

"But what about Gai-Sensei?!"

"Screw him."

"EW!"

"… You're weird."

"You were the one who mentioned it…"

"… It's your fault for saying 'ew.'"

"No, it is YOUR fault. Do not blame it on me."

"Too late. It's your fault."

"…"

"Good. We'll go to Suna afterwards."

"Can I not at least tell Gai-Sensei that I will be gone for a while?"

"… 'A while'?"

"Well, yes…. Unless… no… no, no. You cannot be serious."

"I am always serious, Lee."

"Sob… "

In Temari's Room

Temari and Kankuro sat side by side, waiting.

"Damn it… that idiot, Kiba, bent my fan…" the blonde grumbled.

"I'm still amazed that so many of us are still alive…" Kankuro commented, "I mean, I thought that we were all gonna die, but…"

"Hey," Temari turned to him, "Do you have any bubblegum?"

"Uh…" the puppet master felt around for a moment, "Yep! Here."

"Awesome!" Temari chewed happily for a while, then spoke again, "You were saying something about the Aburame guy earlier, right?"

Kankuro shifted his eyes about warily before nodding, "Yeah. You see, I had this freaky dream last night and he was in it."

"What was it about?" she blinked.

"Well, first I saw that Orochimaru guy getting the stuffing beaten out of him- I don't know where that came from; I also heard Jiraiya laughing like a maniac- but anyway… The really weird part was where I dreamt that I was asleep, and I woke up, and Shino Aburame was standing over me."

Temari blew a bubble, eyes riveted on her brother, "… You need counseling."

"I think we all do," he retorted.

"I won't argue with that."

Meanwhile

"… Ugh… Where… What the… Oh, no…" Kakashi's eyes widened in horror.

"Recognize this place, love?" Iruka smiled sweetly at him, holding what appeared to be…

"AAAHHH!!! NO!!"

Kakashi Hatake screamed as he was stuffed into a scarecrow costume…

Back in Gaara's Room…

Gaara and gathered up his things as Lee scrubbed at his hair with a towel. The Kazekage seemed to prefer to let the water evaporate in its own time, for he didn't bother trying to dry off much. The taijutsu expert then stood, walked over to Gaara, and slid his arms about his waist for a few seconds.

"Love you…" he whispered.

Gaara was silent for a moment, "… I love you, too."

Outside the KHSP

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" Asuma still ran from Kurenai, but he was starting to slow down. The witch had been chasing him for hours.

"I'LL PONE YOU ANY DAY AT POKEMON!!!" she foamed at the mouth.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHOOOFFF!!!" the jonin ran straight into…

"Sensei!" Choji greeted his mentor.

"Hey! There… you all… are!" Asuma panted. Kurenai halted beside him and wiped the foam from her lips.

"Oh… hello, Sensei…" Hinata spoke quietly.

"What's up, Sensei!" Kiba grinned. Shino hit him.

"This is stupid…" Neji rolled his stinging Byakugan eyes. "Can we go home now, Master Gai?"

"In a moment… Where's Lee?" Gai frowned and looked about.

"Uh…" Kankuro hesitated, "He and Gaara… um… teleported… somewhere…"

Gai's eyes widened, and filled with tears.

"Ugh… Here we go again…" Tenten groaned.

"WHHHAAAAAAHHH!!!!"

Tsunade frowned in thought, then hit herself in disgust, "We could have teleported out, too!"

"Gods, we're stupid…" Choji chuckled.

"Those ANBU and Black Ops guys were probably laughing at us the whole time…" Neji sighed.

"GUYS!!!" Naruto shouted suddenly, "WHAT ABOUT SASUKE?!"

Asuma frowned, "H-hey! How did you get out of the KHSP? And where's Konohamaru?"

"Um…" Tenten went rather red.

"… You see…" Choji hesitated.

"… We…" Kiba couldn't say it either.

"… We escaped through the window!" Naruto finished hastily.

"… And Konohamaru?"

Ebisu winced, "Ah… well, you see…" he took Asuma aside and told him what had transpired.

"NO!" Asuma dropped to his knees, "I DON'T BELIEVE IT!" he stared at Orochimaru, anguish and hatred etched onto his face.

"Don't blame me!" the snake summoner shrugged, "His little chant was driving me crazy!"

??? Heheheh… - Author 2

Asuma: C-crazy? I was crazy once.

They l-locked me in a p-paddock, and I liked it there, so I d-died there.

They b-buried me where the flowers g-grew!

One g-grew up!

One grew d-down!

One even t-tickled my n-nose; it drove me nutz!

N-nutz!

I l-like nutz! I like almonds t-too!

P-peanuts drive me c-crazy!

Crazy? I wa- AAAAHHHHH!!!

Kurenai begins chasing him screaming "POKEMON!!!"

End!

Meanwhile… Back in the KHSP…

"Muhahahahaha…"

"Iwuka… pwease… I'm sowwy! No mowwe! Whahhh!"

"MUHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

"Sob… "

Back Outside

Shikamaru stood in the forest outside the KHSP, picking mushrooms. Life was good right now. Sure, it would change once they got back home, but for now…

"Man… I needed that vacation time…" he mused. Then he looked up. "Oh…"

??? … The… last… song… sadness… - Author 2

Shikamaru begins walking away aimlessly, mesmerized by the clouds.

Shikamaru: I see trees of green... red roses, too.  
I see em' bloom... for me and for you.  
And I think to myself... what a wonderful world.

Shikamaru: I see skies of blue... clouds of white.  
Bright blessed days… dark sacred nights.  
And I think to myself... what a wonderful world.

Shikamaru: The colors of a rainbow... so pretty in the sky,  
Are also on the faces... of people going by.  
I see friends shaking hands... saying how do you do.  
They're really saying... I love you.

Shikamaru: I hear babies cry... I watch them grow.  
They'll learn much more... than I'll never know.  
And I think to myself... what a wonderful world.

Random fuzzy animals begin dancing around him. 

Shikamaru: The colors of a rainbow... so pretty in the sky.  
Are there on the faces... of people going by.  
I see friends shaking hands... saying how do you do?  
They're really saying... I love you.

Shikamaru: I hear babies cry... I watch them grow.  
You know their gonna learn,  
A whole lot more than I'll never know.  
And I think to myself... what a wonderful world.

Shikamaru: Yes, I think to myself... what a wonderful world.

He walks off into the sunset.

End

THE END

Author 2, here! I'm going to give you a bit of a clue-in on what happens to the characters after this musical! Yay!

Akamaru and Kiba: Akamaru continues to grow at an alarming rate. He is now the size of a small elephant. Kiba is still a loud-mouthed ass. No surprises there.

ANBU Squad Leader: He was sent off on a top-secret mission assigned by Tsunade…

ANBU # 2: This dumb guy decided to help Ebisu out with his new job.

ANBU #4: He stayed behind at the KHSP…

ANBU # 13: He decided to become a pornography artist and worked for Jiraiya.

Anko: She is now a resident of the Konoha Mental Institute. 

Asuma: He has become a slavering drunk, and is often seen at the local bar with Kurenai and Gai.

Choji: He goes on a special diet. It's not working.

Ebisu: Due to Iruka Umino's absence, Ebisu has been force to take the chuunin's position as a shinobi academy teacher, to his utter horror.

Gaara and Rock Lee: Gaara's new emotional outlet- that is to say, Lee- proves to be quite effective, in that, he hasn't killed anyone unnecessarily since the incident at the KHSP. He is rather concerned for his brother, Kankuro… Poor Lee hasn't seen the outside of Gaara's house since they arrived in Sunagakure.

Gai: Gai, heartbroken at the loss of his student, sinks into a deep depression and spends most of his time at the local bar in Konoha with Asuma and Kurenai.

Hinata and Neji: Neji, it turns out, has gone blind. He suspects it has something to do with the bursting of his blood vessels after vomiting his guts out at the sight of his cousin's provocative dance. To his utter horror and disbelief, it is Hinata who cares for him after this.

Ibiki and the Black Ops: The Black Ops follow around Ibiki, making his paranoid thoughts of being stalked a reality. They all seem to find this very amusing. Ibiki eventually ends up in the Konoha Mental Institute with Anko because of this, and proceeds to kill every beetle in the complex.

Iruka and Kakashi: They seem to have vanished, but in reality, they never left the KHSP. Iruka and Kakashi are still there… guess what they're doing…

Itachi: Itachi is now being sought after for the kidnapping of Sasuke, his brother. In fact, that is the current assignment for the ANBU Squad Leader.

Jiraiya, Kabuto, and Orochimaru: The Fifth Hokage witnessed Orochimaru and Kabuto sprinting through the forest when she was out on one of her walks. She watched in amusement as both shouted indistinctly… and then watched in horror as Orochimaru ran back in the opposite direction. Kabuto screamed, "Lord Orochimaru!! Where the hell are you going?!" and the other replied, "I DON'T KNOW!!". Tsunade then saw something she never wanted to see again; Orochimaru sucking like a leech off of her other old comrade… She then decided she'd best find a new walking route.

Kankuro: Kankuro vanished while walking back to Sunagakure with Temari. The only hint of her brother's disappearance was a pair of glasses.

Kisame and Tazuna: Tazuna returned with Kisame to the Land of Waves, where they broke bread and drank cough syrup at tea time… Don't ask… Author 1 is… weird.

Kurenai: She hangs out with Gai and Asuma at the bar. She has often leapt out of her seat after consuming an abhorrent amount of sake and screamed, "HA! I PONED YOU AT POKEMON!!! YOU'VE BEEN PONED!!! PONED!!!!" Most people just ignore her.

Naruto: Being the only remaining member of Team 7, Naruto returns home, alone and worried for his missing friend, Sasuke.

Sasuke: Sasuke, kidnapped by his brother, is now being held in a yet un-known location…

Shikamaru: He vanished into the jungle-like area that surrounds the KHSP. No one has seen him since…

Shino: Shino, too, has vanished. Several people believe that Itachi has taken Shino, Kankuro, and Shikamaru in addition to Sasuke…

Temari: Temari sprinted back home after Kankuro vanished to inform Gaara that their brother was missing…

Tenten: She has reluctantly become Gai's caretaker of sorts, for the jonin has fallen apart at the loss of his protégé.

Tsunade: Tsunade is now preparing a series of search and rescue missions for Sasuke, Shikamaru, Shino, and Kankuro with Gaara. This will be even harder than anyone could foresee…

As for the others:

The ANBU Pizza Dude, Dosu, Haku, Hayate, Inari, Ino, Konohamaru, Sakura, Sarutobi, Shisui, Yashamaru (Yashamaru is THE DEVIL!!! Most evil person next to the Fourth Kazekage-who is also dead- EVIL!!!), and Zabuza are still dead. Yay.

Author 1 still thinks that Zaku is alive. Whatever…

Orochimaru's snakes have been sent back to the snake pit, for they tried to kill Jiraiya.

Jiraiya's toads are happy because he is happy.

We didn't put Kin, Pakkun, or any of the other characters in here because we're lazy bums and they're stupid. And so are Sai and Yamato. They're stupid. Really, really stupid. Super duper skee pooperscooper stooper stupid… Okay, I'm done.

We didn't change Orochimaru's physical appearance to how it is in the later part of the Naruto series because we didn't want to. (See the above for clarification.)

That's all, folks… for the _first_ Naruto Musical, at any rate…

That's right… We're not done… Prequel! Sequel! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bigger! Faster! Stronger! Sex-craved monger! (Yes, I mean you, Author 1)… Eheheh…

Later! - Author 2


End file.
